11 ways to rehabilitate an unruly child

There’s this meme I came across the other day, of a toddler on the floor, jerking her hands and kicking her feet while wailing furiously. The adults with her, the dad and grandpa, waited silently on her to finish the outburst. Before you judge whether the reaction was right or wrong – the internet and spectators seemed divided – let me tell you what it reminded me of. A classic tantrum by a kid.

The unruly child is one of those young people who is ill-mannered and rude for no reason other than wanting to be and knowing they can get away with it. It’s not such a far-fetched idea; sometimes it’s easier to let a kid get his or her way than it is to stay firm and wait out the tears and temper.

The behaviour is getting more ubiquitous by the day as overwhelmed parents are confronted by the easy fixes available – more screen time, sure, more playtime, okay – give in. We spoke to a couple of experts about how to rehabilitate tantrum-prone children. Here’s what they had to say.

1. Figure out the ‘why’ of the tantrum: Sneha John, Clinical Psychologist, Camali Clinic Child and Adult Mental Health, explains, “There may be two types of tantrums; namely, to communicate a want or meltdowns, which are in response to something not given. With tantrums that are done to communicate a want, the child may decide to push limits and consciously act out. It is best to simply not react so he doesn’t get a power payoff from acting out. Remove yourself from the situation – no eye contact, no talking down and no negotiating.

“Meltdowns, on the other hand, are controlled by the amygdala, the part of a child’s brain that handles such tasks as breathing, blinking and instinctual reactions. In this type of tantrum, the child has been pushed beyond his physical or emotional limit and ‘melts down’ as a result. A parent’s reaction to the second sort is equally as important as your lack of a reaction to the other tantrum. This is where your child needs you to help him or her calm the big emotions while you make a mental note that you’ll want to do some training on managing overwhelming feelings in the future.”

2. Frequent tantrums? Prep for your trip: Reem Shaheen, Counselling Psychologist and Managing Director at UAE-based BE Psychology Center for Emotional Wellbeing, recommends the following steps:

Before leaving the house: Make sure your child is well fed and not tired.

Explain the schedule: Before leaving the house explain to your child where you are going, doing and how long it will take.

Stay cool: If the child has the tantrum, stay as cool as possible, don't get worked up by the bystanders' judgments or the child’s screaming.

Be empathetic: The child is having a tantrum because he/she is not able to express themselves, be empathetic and try to understand their pain.

Review the schedule again: Explain to them the plan again, tell them how much longer you need.

Change the scenery: Try to take the child to different place, to help him/her calm down.

3. Explain cause and effect of rudeness: John adds, “If making rude remarks is a common problem, address the issue at a later time when both of you are calm. Say something like, ‘Earlier today when I told you to clean your room, you rolled your eyes. Are you aware that you do that when you're mad?’”

“Don't shame the child; explain to the child that they did wrong but don’t make them feel that you are ashamed of them,” adds Shaheen. “Engage with the child in trying to find alternative ways they could have expressed themselves without being rude.”

4. Similarly, explain consequences of politeness: “When/then statements frame requests in a positive way. Use these statements to notify your child what will happen after they choose to change their behaviour. You might also try saying things like, ‘When you lower your voice and talk calmly, I’ll answer you’, or ‘I’ll play with you when you stop being bossy’. Teach your child that polite and kind behaviour yields positive results,” says John.

5. Explain the chore: Sometimes, it’s a question of selective understanding. “Be crystal clear about the components of ‘cleaning up’ a space. A child may think that if he puts his dirty clothes under the bed, it fulfils the request, whereas you may want him to put the dirty clothes in a hamper. He will not know what you expect unless you communicate the details,” she says.

6. Stay patient: “Explain to the child the importance of keeping clean and keep it realistic: Sometimes we overestimate what our children can do. Motivate them by making them chose their chore, the time they are going to do it, or picking the charity they donate their time/or stuff to,” suggests Shaheen.

7. Stay consistent: “Consistency is crucial, as is follow-through. Kids have to believe that you mean what you say. This is not to say you can't give second chances or allow a certain margin of error, but for the most part, you should act on what you say,” adds John.

8. Separate your child’s identity from the offending behaviour: “We often make the mistake of labeling the child, calling him or her a brat, naming her or him a drama queen, etc. This has a long-lasting and deep subconscious impact on a child’s psyche. Young children don’t filter what is said to them – they take it in verbatim and believe the names they are called. A child needs to know that he/she is worthy of unconditional love – however, if his behaviour is unruly, then there will be a consequence,” says Arpita Mitra Gupta, a Holistic Therapist at Illuminations Dubai.

9. Identify who else is being bratty: “Children often mimic their environment and the people they are with. If your child is exhibiting unwanted behaviour, tactfully check if there’s anyone around who may be exhibiting similar behaviour. Of course, as adults we behave different while being difficult, but children pick up the energy and believe it is okay to behave an an unruly manner – it stems from the unconscious need to love and express loyalty towards the adults in their life,” she adds.

10. Say, ‘I have your back’: “Nothing has ever worked better than consistently letting our children know that we are there for them, no matter what. The expression of unconditional love solves the need to be constantly fighting for attention. Unruly behaviour sometimes comes when a child feels, ‘I am only seen and heard and acknowledged when I display negative behaviour’. This is the formation of a self-harming belief system and should be nipped in the bud. A child should always feel loved, seen, heard and understood – without any conditions.”

11. Hugs can help: Who doesn’t like to be loved, and especially children – they thrive on display of love. Hugs, kisses, holding them, etc. have a huge psychological impact. Even in midst of a tantrum, try to hold your child. No words, just lightly hold them till the energy dissipates and they settle down. Then when it is okay to speak, let them speak and allow the flow of words to express the pent up emotion. It works wonders, she says.

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