Lessons from Adolescence: How to understand and connect with your teenager without overstepping

In the last few searing scenes of the show Adolescence, Stephen Graham’s Eddie Miller enters his son’s room, looking at the wallpaper, and finally collapses into tears, clutching the blue-patterned bedspread. He is sorry— very sorry for never knowing what his son, a 13-year-old charged with murder, was up to. As he and his wife ruminated, Jamie would just go to his room, spend hours on the computer till late, and the lights would go off at 1 am. 

The question keeps ringing throughout Adolescence, where did they go wrong?

The mini-series has been dissected for its raw insights into the relationships between parents and children, prompting many parents to fear, do they really know what their child? But during the difficult teenage years, how do you know what's happening, without them taking umbrage?

For instance, Dubai-based Aina Mahant (name changed on request) reveals that one particular jarring incident regarding her teenage soon that took five years ago. “He was 15 at the time. He was good at studies, sports and had many friends. He would go out with his friends in the evenings, and we never asked questions. And then we found that he was in a car accident, with friends whom we had never met or heard about before. They had tried to get him to drive too, but luckily he resisted and so one of them drove, speeding and caused the accident.”

Thankfully, her son recovered, but the shock of it all prompted Mahant to keep herself well-informed about his friends, and whereabouts. “I felt guilty, so guilty, that out of worry that I might cross his boundaries, I had no idea about his circles. It still haunts me, till today,” she says. 

Sometimes her anxiety gets the better of her, and she asks more questions than she needs to, reflects Mahant. “My husband keeps telling me to take it easy, because our son just gets more annoyed with me and promises that he won’t ever get into a situation like that. But that night and the days that followed will always haunt me,” she says.

Parenting, especially during the teenage years, can be painfully confusing— just like trying to navigate a maze. You want to be supportive, stay involved, and still make sure that they’re on the right path. Yet, teenagers, as psychologists explain, want to be independent at that time, even if they don’t comprehend the concept fully.  So, how do you walk the fine line between being a supportive parent and not crossing into ‘hovering’ territory? How do you know when to step back, when to step in, and how to be there for them? 

Listen more, read between the lines

As Catherine Doyle, a London-based child psychologist explains, you need to listen to what they say, as well as what they don’t. Remember that teenagers, often rightly, take the path of not telling their parents things, because they don’t want to be stopped, admonished, or their parents to worry. “Let’s be honest, so many parents now, did a lot of the harmless things that teenagers do today: Sneak out, have relationships, go for parties, make friends with people just to look ‘cool’. Think about it yourself: Why didn’t you tell your parents, what you were up to? What did you fear and what stopped you? It might be because you feared that they will just pull the plug on all the fun,” she says.

So, keeping your own experiences in mind, you need to first win your teenager’s trust. You have to work towards creating an open atmosphere, where they feel free to discuss what they’re doing, mistakes, their friends, and their likes and dislikes. And remember, they don’t always want advice. “When your teen opens up about their day, a problem with a friend, or their latest crush, resist the urge to immediately fix things. Instead, listen attentively, nod, and ask questions that show genuine interest in their feelings. Phrases like, ‘That sounds tough—how are you feeling about it?’ will go a long way. This shows that you're there to support them emotionally, without pushing your opinions onto them.

Respect their space and privacy

As teenagers grow, their need for personal space intensifies, playing a crucial role in their sense of self. “If they’re not sharing something with you, give them time. Avoid being invasive, as that can push them further away,” says Doyle. If their behavior changes and you're concerned, approach them gently—without letting them see your worry. Don’t force your way into their room or phone, as that could damage your relationship.

Guide them, don’t order them around 

Your teen may still need guidance, but they no longer want to be told what to do every step of the way. Rather than laying down rules like a dictator, try the mentor approach. “There might be fluctuations in academics,” explains Dubai-based Ramya Krishna, a psychologist. They might act out or misbehave, so at that point, don’t try to ground or ban them. Be empathetic, tell them that you understand that they’re struggling, and how to make things better for them.  Offering solutions, resources, or just being there to listen can be far more effective than punitive measures. It reinforces the idea that you’re a partner in their journey, not the boss.

Stay involved without being overbearing

This is difficult: How do you keep up-to-date with your teenager’s life without asking numerous questions and coming across as invasive? “I think somewhere, you also need to accept that your children won’t find the need to tell you every single thing— but you should still know at least, where they’re going, who they are friends with, and ask them about their day at least. You should not be out of sync with your child’s life that someone else knows something about them better than you do,” says Doyle. Moreover, it’s tempting to micromanage your teen’s life, but trust that they’re learning to navigate the world on their own. You can still be involved in their life without taking over. Encourage them to pursue activities they enjoy, like sports, music, or art, but don’t push them into things they don’t want to do. Ask how their day was, but don’t demand every detail.

But pay attention to warning signs, which are in mood swings, sullen spells, staying up late, fractured sleep patterns, or loss of appetite. That’s when you need to get more firmly involved, and engage in dialogue, gently, but assertively. “Words like, ‘I’m sorry, but I am concerned and I need to know what’s going on so we can help you’, can help,” explains Doyle. 

‘I thought my daughter didn’t want me around’

It does feel like they’ve distanced themselves from you. That feeling is always crushing for most parents, explains Dubai-based Mia Lin, a homemaker and mother to two teenagers. “I’m still navigating this emotional minefield, and every second day, we have fights, right after a reconciliation and mature conversation,” she says. It does hurt when they choose friends dinners over family time, or spend hours on the phone. “I’ll admit, I did feel cut out of their lives. I kept wondering, do they not want me around anymore? Am I really not of any use to them now?”

She had to learn that this was just part and parcel of parenthood. “I saw that the more I pushed, the more they resisted, and the angrier they got. So, with a lot of professional help, I am slowly learning to step back, except when it comes to their safety,” she says. It’s excruciatingly difficult sometimes. “The process isn’t linear, that’s the important lesson in all this,” adds Lin with a laugh. 

Set healthy boundaries and stick to them

Yes, your teen will test boundaries. They’ll challenge curfews, question your rules, and argue with just about everything you say. But don’t back down—setting clear and consistent boundaries is key. So from screen time, schoolwork to social activities, make sure your rules are reasonable, fair, and understood. It’s not about controlling them; it’s about ensuring they have the structure they need to grow. And don’t forget to let them have a say in the rules—this fosters mutual respect and gives them a sense of ownership over their actions, explains Doyle. 

Have open conversations about safety—whether it’s about driving, social media, or peer pressure. Encourage them to think critically about their choices, and let them know that, no matter what, you’re there to guide them when they need help.