Divorce is tough—but your child isn't the therapist: Here's what they need most

2018’s Marriage Story is jarring.

The title is simple, almost deceptive. It doesn’t say much. But, in the first ten minutes itself, you’re swept into quiet undercurrent of tensions. There’s nothing outward or dramatic in those few minutes; it just involves a couple trying to remember what they liked about each other, and why they stayed together for 10 years.

As the story unfolds, the cracks become canyons. Courtrooms, custody battles, and emotional outbursts follow, leaving their young son quietly observing the wreckage. There’s no amicable resolution, despite their best efforts. The tearful outbursts and hatred comes pouring out. But finally after a journey of pain, it’s the child who shows his father the list, of what his wife once loved about him. The child closely watches his reactions, asks questions, while Johansson watches in the shadows The last line on the list, “I’ll never stop loving him, even if it doesn’t make sense anymore.”

Even if we don’t completely see the child’s full complexities while dealing with a painful, dragging divorce, Marriage Story is just one example of the many bitter, ugly and messy divorces that take place, with a child stuck in the middle. Sometimes, the child is fortunate enough to ease into co-parenting.

Sometimes, the child becomes the mediator between two hurt, and angry parents.

A child in the middle

The phrase amicable divorce sounds as clinical as the process itself. No matter how peacefully parents part ways, it’s still the end of a relationship and things become far more complicated when a child is involved. If there’s already tension or bitterness, the impact on the child can be even more adverse.

As Dr Sneha John, a clinical psychologist, and Dr Kirin Hilliar, professor in psychology at the Heriot-Watt University and psychologist at OpenMinds Centre , explain, quite often, in this breakdown of a marriage and ensuing divorce procedures, parents tend to project their feelings onto the child. More often than not, the child is forced to become the mediator, trying to make peace between two warring parents, or worse, trying to convince one parent, that they’re not favouring the other.

It’s a terrible place to be in, for a child. They notice everything, explains John. Even if the parents aren’t fighting; children observe the tense body language and absorb the silences; it heightens the stress and the turbulence of the situation. “The child begins to feel victimised in this period of change,” explains Dr John.

And while parents are human and hurting it’s important to remember who’s watching. “You need to learn to compartmentalise in this case. Parents do need an outlet, and the child cannot be one. So you need to seek therapy support, different outlets, before it spills on the child, otherwise it can affect the child deeply.”

The problem of parentification

Things take a turn for the worse, when the child assumes the role of a parent, to the parent. When they see that one parent is too battered and needs help, the child takes on adult responsibilities, explains Hilliar. The child turns to handling finances and the household, in an extra bid to help out the parents, maturing faster than they actually should.

Dubai-based Shobana Mathur, a homemaker in her sixties, admits that she made this mistake with both her sons. “My sons became my counsellor when I was going through the divorce. They started mediating between my husband and I, and then they gave up. I think he kept telling them upsetting things about us, and so did I, and as a result, they kept away from us for several years till we sorted ourselves out.”

The truth is, when families break down through separation or divorce, everyone’s world tumbles to pieces. And, children’s reactions and needs can vary widely depending on the age, individual circumstances and how they’re eased into this new rattling process.  What is a common thread, how parents struggle to fully support their children’s emotional needs during the turbulent period after a separation. As Dr Hilliar points out, this is also a crucial time for the child to feel that sense of psychological safety and security.

The fragile transition after separation  

A family breaking down is triggering. Routines are fractured, one parent is missing often, or not able to perform the little important rituals that mean so much to children, such as picking them up from school or reading them bed-time stories, as both Dr Hilliar and Dr John explain. There’s intense emotional and psychological upheaval for the family members, and research supports this too: According to a study titled, Parental Divorce and the Well-Being of Children: A Meta-Analysis, children typically experience acute distress during the first year after their parents separate.

In fact, some studies have found that stress and difficult symptoms in children can remain at high levels even two years post-separation. Moreover, some research has found that both children and parents were actually less distressed just two months after separation than they were a full year later, suggesting that the emotional toll can sometimes increase before it begins to ease.

In short, separation is not a simple or quick emotional adjustment for families; it’s a complex process where needs evolve, and support can often fall short when it’s needed most.

So, what can help?

For starters, honest and clear conversations with the child and what they have to expect from now, as both Dr Hilliar and Dr John explain. “They need to be told, we are deciding this as a team, but that doesn’t mean we love you less. It just means that you might not see dad home everyday, or he might just be there for the weekends,” explains Dr Hilliar.

Don’t overshare. Avoid pulling your child into the emotional details of the divorce. “They don’t need to know everything, even if you want to share with them, why you’re upset or grieving,” explains Dr Hilliar. Leave them to make judgments later, even if you’re particularly cut up about how badly the marriage ended. Don’t take away their agency of making decisions, by projecting your feelings on them.

Once you're emotionally regulated, focus on stability. Show up. Stick to routines. Pick them up on time. Read them that story. These small acts of consistency send a bigger message: We’re still your parents. You’re still safe, explains Dr John. Help the child understand what’s happening with your own behaviour, and do what you can to offer reassurance. Resume your daily responsibilities in this new changing environment, so that the world seems a little less destabilizing gradually, for the child.

Divorce is rarely neat, and healing takes time. But by shielding children from the worst of the emotional fallout and offering them reassurance, honesty, and consistency, parents can help them weather the storm with less lasting damage.