The Motherhood identity crisis gripping new UAE mums
It's supposed to be the best time of your life, so why do so many mums have a crisis?
Motherhood is like a summer in the UAE. You think you know what's coming and that you are totally prepared, and then it hits. At which point you realise there was no way you could have prepared, because you had no real idea of what was coming.
In reality, rather than soaring temperatures and suffocating humidity, it's more like a tidal wave of newness - new emotions, new experiences, new responsibilities, new priorities, a new daily (and nightly) schedule, and so on, which all come together to create a totally New You.
And while entering the glittering and esteemed echelons of mothers is a blessing and an honour that we are eternally grateful for, whichever way it comes to us, we would be lying if we didn't admit that it kind of knocks you off your feet. For a good long while.
Even months later, there you are, waiting for everything to click back into place, waiting for the morning when you wake up and you are back feeling 'normal' again, with everything having reverted back to how it was before, just with the added joy of raising a child - and it doesn't happen. Instead, it's like the tidal wave has retreated and left a completely different landscape. Marriages, friendships, career ambitions, body parts - it's still all yours and it's still familiar, but it just feels (and looks) a bit different. Often in an unexplainable way. A bit like wearing someone else's clothes. New You just doesn't sit right somehow.
Who am I now?
The feeling is more common that you might think. A study funded by Nurofen for Children found that more than half of new mothers suffer a knock to their confidence in the first year of motherhood because they feel they have no idea what they are doing. Additionally, the study reported that 52% of mothers suffer from a loss of identity, while the same amount said that the trials of parenthood - sleepless nights, the feelings of being lost and lonely - outweighed the positive aspects of the first 12 months.
Dr Sarah Rasmi, a psychologist and professor at Thrive Wellbeing Centre here in Dubai, specialises in supporting parents and families. She says, "Many mothers say they don't feel connected to their past selves, which leaves them feeling like they don't know who they are any more. They often use the word 'lost'. But also the words 'confused' and 'mourning'. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to prepare for parenthood because everyone's experience is different."
‘Dubai-based psychotherapist and hypnotherapist, Anna Yates, owner of Mind Solutions, agrees. "In our practice, we see many mothers coming who have gone through this type of identity loss after having a baby," she says. "Throughout the pregnancy, you are the focus of everyone's attention. Then you have the baby, and nobody wants to hear your story... they only ask about the baby and they want to coo over the baby, and nobody asks how you are really. You end up feeling like in everyone else's eyes you are not yourself any more, you are simply 'Mother of baby'. As time goes by and your previous life - work, hobbies, social life - fades further and further into the distance, you also can start losing sight of yourself."
If you have experienced this yourself, you will know this to be true. It's like you used to wear lots of hats - relaxed me, career me, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and so on. But then you put on the 'mother' hat, turn around for half a second and all the other hats have disappeared. You are left with just the one hat to wear.
For new mums, some may feel despair at their perceived inability to live up to the ideal birthing and motherhood experience that they have seen online – often perpetuated by social media. Sometimes the happy emotions of motherhood are mixed up with feelings of loss, fear, worry, guilt and frustration, with common concerns such as ‘What if I make too many mistakes? Will people think I’m a bad mother? What about my old life?’. Worrying about being the best parent they possibly can be can, again, often cause them to regard their own emotional wellbeing as secondary, making them extremely vulnerable to depression during this new chapter in their lives. Around 1 in every 5 women have mental health problems during pregnancy or in the first year after birth. Depression and anxiety in particular are extremely common and can cause significant suffering if left untreated. It’s imperative that new mums develop a supportive network of friends, family and colleagues who they can turn to for help and support at this time.
HOW MATERNAL MENTAL HEALTH AFFECTS THE CHILD/REN
Mums – and dads - are naturally role-models for their children, who they look to for support and guidance. Mums in particular need to be strong and reliable and available 24/7 for all their child’s needs. Children are extremely good at picking up on negative emotions and therefore if their mum is struggling, they will detect this. Seeing their mum suffering can naturally cause huge amounts of anxiety in a child and their mental health can also deteriorate as a result, affecting their friendships and academic performance too. They may become clingy and suffer from separation anxiety when not with their mum as, while they may not know the exact issue, they understand something is not right.
WHEN MUMS SHOULD SEEK HELP
As soon as a new mum is showing signs they cannot carry on – struggling to get out of bed in the morning, a lack of appetite, no interest in the new baby, a lack of communication – professional help is strongly recommended. However, key is not to let the situation get to this extreme. Try to spot the early signs and seek help – the earlier help is sought, the quicker the recovery.
‘Otherhood’
Instead of motherhood, writer Leslie J Davis suggest it should be known as ‘otherhood’, because it is a relentless cycle of caring for others – there is no time for mothers to spend on the self, let alone for them to try to come to terms with the self that they have become.
“Mums are notorious for putting their own health and wellbeing on the back burner, with all their attention focused on ensuring the rest of their family are properly cared for,” says Tanya Dharamshi, Clinical Director and Counselling Psychologist at Priory Wellbeing Centre, Dubai. “While admirable, this is not advised. Mums are often the lynchpin of the family, juggling countless tasks and errands on a daily basis, often while also holding down a full or part-time job. As a result, there is a tendency for their mental health to suffer. Long-term this can have serious repercussions and lead to stress, anxiety and depression.”
Hypnotherapist Anna Yates adds that for the subconscious mind, it's a huge shock when you are not prioritising your own needs any more. It throws all sorts of things into question and can have a huge impact on all areas of life - marriage, self-esteem, friendships, career. Dr Sarah says, "Mums will start asking themselves questions such as, 'Is this what I wanted? Is this what I want still? If not, what do I need to change?'"
Matrescence
There’s a word for the process of becoming a mother – anthropologists call it ‘matrescence’. But the reason you’ve probably never heard of it before is because it’s largely been left unexplored – the scientific community, like everyone else, tends to be more interested in how the baby turns out.
Dr Alexandra Sacks identifies four key challenges with this process of matrescence in her New York Times article ‘The Birth of a Mother’: Changing family dynamics; Ambivalence (because parenthood is both good and bad, but we feel uncomfortable with experiencing two conflicting feelings at the same time); our Fantasy baby V the Reality baby; and feelings of Guilt and Shame that stem from a maternal perfectionism that sees so many of us comparing ourselves against other mums and finding ourselves lacking. “Too many women are ashamed to speak openly about their complicated experiences for fear of being judged,” says Dr Sacks. “This type of social isolation may even trigger postpartum depression.”
My story
I remember when my daughter, now aged 15, was a newborn and I was overwhelmed by a sudden need - almost a physical craving - to go back to studying. I suddenly regretted wasting my time messing around at university and not having a more stable career to fall back on. I felt I had let myself down and that now, with a baby, it was going to be 50 times harder to ever be able to achieve 'my potential' - not that I had any clue what that potential was, or what achieving it looked like.
I started researching courses and was coming up with mad-capped, totally ridiculous and impossible plans of spending my time between the UK and the UAE studying for a new career - with a newborn. My family and my then husband were very patient and humoured me. Looking back, I have no doubt they were talking quietly and urgently amongst themselves about whether I had lost my mind and what they were going to do about it.
The reality is that they were right. In a way, I had lost my mind. Because I had lost myself. My personality, my individuality, my identity, my sense of self, my dreams for the future and, as part of that process, temporarily my mind. I felt like when people looked at me, they no longer saw Louisa, they just saw the young, bewildered mum of Kaya.
That all changed when I went to a mothers' group and, amidst the crowds of happy, beaming, full-of-the-joys-of-motherhood women who were there, I found another shell-shocked face. She and I became steadfast pals (and we still are today). We met up every day with our newborns and ended up living down the road from each other. Our girls became best buddies and were raised more like sisters for the first four years of their lives until her family relocated from the UAE to Singapore.
That mother, who understood how I felt, was my lifeline back to normality. Talking to her was like looking in the mirror and, hey presto, I wasn't alone any more. I am not suggesting the journey was quick and easily solved, but I wasn't doing it alone. There was somebody else on my side of the fence. It gave me the opportunity to not only re-find myself, but also to be the mother I wanted to be.
Avoid comparison
This memory highlights one of the main issues for mothers going through an identity crisis. The wall of seemingly perfect mothers, who take it all in their stride and revel in their new role and life. When nobody else appears to feel lost, your own feelings can seem even more confusing and wrong. It can make you feel even more isolated and like the odd one out - like there is something wrong with you. Dr Sarah says, "Our self-esteem is based on who we compare ourselves to. If we only look at people we think are doing better than us, we feel badly about ourselves. Instead if we look at people who are facing the same issues and experiences, we feel less negatively about ourselves. I always say to my clients, 'You aren't the first and you certainly won't be the last'. It's hard for mums as they have been fed the story that it's supposed to be the best time of their lives. So when it's not, they wonder why and take it as a personal failure."
Anna says, "It's one of those social taboos that keeps people stuck in uncomfortable places within themselves - admitting that parenthood is maybe harder and, at times, less pleasant than you thought it would be. This doesn't just apply to people suffering from postnatal and prenatal depression, but to parents who are overjoyed at being parents and who love their new bundle fiercely. They too can find it overwhelming to the point of feeling totally submerged by it."
COMMON CONCERNS OF WORKING MUMS:
• Guilt at not being a good enough parent – not playing an active enough role in their child’s life – unable to attend school concerts, coffee-mornings, play-dates, socialise with other parents
• Constantly feeling the need to show their colleagues/boss they are coping and can often refuse the need for help through fear of looking ‘weak’ or unable to manage their workload, and not being able to perform as well
• Feeling the pressure to constantly multitask and juggle work life with home life
• Having to use holiday/unpaid leave when their child is sick
COMMON CONCERNS OF STAY-AT-HOME MUMS:
• Regret at putting career and professional aspirations on hold
• Envy and jealousy of friends and colleagues climbing the career ladder
• Feeling judged for prioritising motherhood over career
• Loneliness and isolation, particularly in the immediate months following childbirth
• Money worries – a reduced income and its impact on family-life, school fees, holidays
Finding a grip in the quicksand of motherhood
If you find yourself in this situation - feeling like your previous self and previous life is sinking into the quicksand of motherhood - take a moment to tell yourself this: it is totally normal to feel this way. For every mother who is reading this feeling like they don't know how to be themselves any more, there are millions of other mothers who have been through this and come out the other side a stronger, more authentic, more well-rounded version of their previous self. Hopefully just knowing that it is possible to love being a mum and still struggle with an identity crisis will be a life raft for you to cling on to. And if you find yourself clinging on to that life raft, don't be afraid to admit it to yourself, to speak it out loud to someone you trust and to do something about it. It doesn't make you any less of a mother, it makes you real. You may be the mother of a baby but, as a human, your happiness is important too.
Accept that you are in transition, that you are evolving into a new space, and that it's OK to feel uncomfortable with that change. Don't cling on to the image of your 'old self plus child' - the new version of you will be more grounded, wiser, more whole. Let go of that past sense of self without fear of falling into nothingness. Take a deep breath and trust in the knowledge that something better is coming your way.
4 Ways to find yourself again post-motherhood
- DITCH THE GUILT: Dr Sarah says, "Mums often feel bad for taking time for themselves. But it's really important they do, for all the family. Studies show that when babies have a good bond with their fathers, they benefit hugely across all areas of their adult lives. Mothers suffering with identity loss can cling overzealously to their role as mother and, without meaning to, can leave the father on the outside. This impacts the father's self-esteem, the father-baby bond and the baby's future in terms of career, relationships and more." So ditch the guilt and go enjoy some time just being you. Go to the cinema, go get your nails done, go sit on the beach and do nothing, or anything else, knowing that your baby is benefiting from this time away from you as much as you are benefiting from your time away, too. Dr Sarah says, "Use the time to reflect on where you are in your life, where you want to be in the future and what you have to do to get there."
- BE KIND TO YOURSELF: Anna Yates says, "By neglecting your own needs and feelings, you leave yourself vulnerable to picking up negative, unhealthy coping mechanisms, in the form of overeating, smoking, drinking alcohol, obsessive social media updates and more. A large percentage of our clients are mums who, years down the line from their identity loss, come to us for help with losing weight, or quitting smoking... stopping their reliance on the unhealthy coping mechanism, which became a necessary crutch during the 'lost' moments of motherhood." If you recognise that you are self-medicating your identity loss with any of the above, think to yourself, what would be a better way to heal this pain?
- BE REALISTIC: Dr Sarah says, "If you decide that one of the ways to your new self is to rekindle an old hobby, or passion, or to start a new one, be realistic. You may have had an 'all or nothing' approach to life before, but maybe that doesn't work for you now. Maybe you don't need to be all-in to still get the benefits. Mothers will say that the reason they don't pursue their passions is because they don't have the time, but we make the time if we want to. Speak to your husband and make sure it is a family priority, while remaining realistic and flexible to your energy levels."
- SPEAK UP: Anna says, "By denying your real feelings, you are telling your subconscious mind that those feelings are shameful, or wrong. This causes much discomfort internally and a lot of negative self-talk. The fact that you feel them makes them valid and, therefore, worth voicing in a safe environment, meaning with someone you trust, or with a professional." Dr Sarah agrees, "Mums can feel embarrassed when they have spent the last nine months telling people they want to do it a certain way and they want to be a certain type of mother, and then they don't. Realise that there is no shame in this and recognise when you need support. If you can't get it from the people around you, seek out a professional. We are doing an injustice to ourselves if we don't get the support we need, because it means we can't be the version of ourselves that we want to be."
• feel worried and anxious
• lack enjoyment in things previously enjoyed
• overthink financial concerns
• withdraw/isolate yourself from family or friends
• experience increased irritability or intolerance/frustration
• feel tired and exhausted
• ruminate
• experience reduced concentration and focus
• notice changes in sleeping or eating patterns (over or under)