A lot of children create and play with what are called 'invisible friends'. These imaginary playmates have to 'listen' to the children's orders or even be blamed for mischievous acts. Having such friends is a developmental sign, say experts
When four-year-old Maya broke her mother's favourite perfume, she burst out, "I didn't break it, Lola did." Maya's mother asked who Lola was and gradually, over the next weeks, discovered that she was Maya's best friend who made her do many 'naughty' things such as pulling her baby brother's hair, or eating all the chocolate cake.
Maya is not an abnormal child (her mother feared this may be a 'psychotic' disturbance). On the contrary, having an imaginary buddy is a perfectly healthy developmental phase some children pass through (studies show that as may as two-thirds of preschoolers have imaginary playmates).
A child may invent a single friend, or a whole family of characters complete with names, traits, likes and dislikes. One child may feel shy to talk about his secret pal and may refer to his make-believe buddy just once in a while. For example, when going out, Tyler may say, "Wait Mum, I have to take my friend with me."
Another child may weave a fabric of emotions around this relationship. Teachers are sometimes horrified at stories they hear from their preschoolers about how "My brother lives in India and has many snakes in his garden" or "My friend Paul lets me drive his car" and imagine terrible things are going on at home, but actually this combination of fantasy and sheer fun should be taken at its face value.
Invisible playmates are the product of each child's individual needs and imagination. Dr. Jerome Singer of Yale University, who researched this area, found that kids with imaginary friends "are more independent, cooperative with teachers and peers, generally happier and less aggressive than their peers, and have a richer vocabulary".
Experts suggest having imaginary friends enables children to deal with the increasing demands of their social world. Three and four-year-olds have to deal with all kinds of adult demands such as: "Hurry up with those shoes"; "Did you pick up all your toys?" or "Now remember when aunty Judy comes to stay, she'll be sleeping in your room".
A very compliant child may create a friend who is bold and defiant, always doing things she shouldn't do. Often, imaginary friends are older because the age difference "allows the child the comfort of feeling little when he needs to".
Invisible friends also help children cope with stressful situations such as the moving away of a friend, or the death of a family member. Children use an imaginary friend to better understand their own emotions and feelings. Through this fictitious character, the child can ask questions and express her thoughts which she may feel otherwise uncomfortable expressing.
Parents should simply listen and try to understand the child's world. Brushing aside your child's friend with a "Don't be silly, you don't have a brother" or "Why do you keep telling all these lies?" will deprive you of an opportunity to understand your child's feelings.
At the same time, don't refer too enthusiastically to your child's invented playmate as this can confuse your child about what's real and what's not.
Psychologist Brian Powers points out that if you adopt her creation as your friend, too, you take away that sense of control from her, and you confuse the line between fantasy and reality for her. All you have to do is give special encouragement to open up and talk to you.
The only time you should really be worried about your child's imaginary friends is if your child becomes too over-dependent on her friend, withdraws, or you notice a change in your child's sleeping patterns.
In most cases however, imaginary friends fade away by the time children enter school and make real friends.
