Novelty Items - December 8

Ever since I discovered the unparalleled joy of playing crazy golf over the New Year on a particularly fine course in the Ethiopian capital, Addis Ababa, I have been hooked. As I have neither the patience, talent or desire to play golf on the grand, 18-hole scale, but find the idea of attempting to get a ball into a hole with a long stick appealing, crazy golf seems the perfect compromise.

Most fortunately, the Hyatt in Dubai provides a good course in a lush setting.The golf balls are blush red, the artificial grass on each hole beautifully manicured, the skill demanded of the player neither too high nor too low.  Still a novice in this game, however, I don't yet know of any rules or special techniques such as apply in other sports. 

In yoga, the positions into which you contort your body have names, from "fish" through "cobra" to "cat".  In rock-climbing you can "smear", "edge", "frog" or do the "Egyptian", (an appropriate term given to the Dubai climbing wall's location in the Wafi pyramid complex).

But it is the wonderful world of circus that boasts the most exotic terms of reference for the various moves that you can practise upon a trapeze. Try "skinning the cat" before positioning yourself in "meathook". Or twist from "angel in the ropes" down to a "mermaid". Have a rest in "coffin" before taking a deep "swallow" and enduring the pain of "crucifix".  Finally, wow the audience with a "star on the bar", flash them a "moonfish" and finish in "move X".

Anyway, that is all beside the point.  The point being that crazy golf needs its own jargon if it is ever to be recognised as a serious sport worthy of representation at the next Olympics. And I think it should be. The great thing about this game is that it doesn't take itself too seriously and you can wear high heels and skirts (rather than those extraordinary plus fours such as the boy reporter Tintin used to favour), whilst playing, which is always an advantage if you're trying to squeeze in a quick game before dinner. Moreover, it doesn't involve walking too far. The only shame is that you're not provided with one of those swanky electric cars to go bowling across the green, but there it is.

So, back to the tricky issue of rules and techniques...  I have come up with a few basics that are fairly self-evident, so I would be grateful for suggestions. There is, as in almost any competitive sport, the technique of "undermining" known in its milder form as "distracting," the idea being to break your opponent's concentration and win the game.

There is "fuming," (when the face of frustration matches the golf ball for colour), though this is more a reaction to the game than a technique applied in playing it. There is "kicking", of either your opponent or the ball.  And finally, there is my own personal favourite, "cheating", which needs, I think, no further explanation.