Should you be doing your kids' homework?

As children in the UAE get ready to head back to school, one element that stirs up fear is the daily task of homework. Consequently, it has become a trend among many parents to help their children with their homework and school projects. Experts are of the opinion that too much help with homework can be harmful.

"Helping children too much with their homework is detrimental in a number of ways," says US-based Dr Sue Mandel, a licensed marriage and family therapist with a doctorate in clinical child psychology. "First and foremost, children [who get a lot of help] often wind up feeling incompetent, defeated and unmotivated, even if they appear relieved at the time."

Mandel says that if a child is truly struggling, then parents can demonstrate their confidence that the child can help find a solution to his or her own problem. "Brainstorm as to what the problem is; what you think would help; how you think you as parents can help while not doing it for your child; and what system you could devise for the future so that help is gotten as it is needed. By a parent's helping too much, the child's belief becomes ‘I'm not good enough' or ‘I'm just a loser,' perhaps developing the thought of ‘Why bother?'"

"Instead," says Charity Preston of theorganisedclassroomblog.com, "think of yourself as a project manager. You keep the big picture in mind: time management, multiple due dates, resources and supplies. They do the work. When report card time comes, your child [for better or worse] needs to know that the GPA reflects his own abilities and efforts. Otherwise, your child can easily get into a cycle of learned helplessness."

Preston, a mother of four, says teachers give homework to make sure students have mastered concepts. "If your child hasn't but you interfere in the feedback loop, she may not get the help she needs from a teacher because the teacher doesn't know she needs it."

Over-helping your child with homework may induce the notion that someone will always step in to handle responsibilities and the child may develop some manipulative tendencies. If a child learns that whining and giving up right away will get you to fly to the rescue, he or she will not develop coping and creativity skills.

"I have had coaching clients get into huge conflicts with their children on this issue and completely rob them of their ownership of their work," says parent coach Tina Feigal. "They create a homework fear that isn't necessary and cause too much pressure on their kids. The kids end up doing everything but homework, spending their evenings filled with avoidance and anxiety. The mornings are then set up for panic and tears."

If you have been helping your child too much with homework, this new school year is the perfect start to a new homework rule: "This year, your homework is your responsibility. Your grades are yours to earn, and the pride in good performance is all yours. I know you can do it." Expect some resistance to the new rules, as well as some less than stellar grades at first as the child adjusts. Talk to his or her teacher about your new policy so that he or she understands your child's needs.

It can be difficult to step back and let your child succeed or struggle, but the sooner you teach this valuable life lesson the better.

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