Analysing the minds of 'wealthy' children

Children from rich families feel they are a special breed and take a lot of things for granted. But they also suffer from a deep-rooted sense of insecurity, perhaps because their parents are not there with them owing to their professional or other commitments. How can such problems be tackled?

In an interview with Harvard Business Review, child psychologist Robert Coles discussed how privileged children tend to have an unusually self-centred view of the world, and what parents should do to reduce what he calls a sense of narcissistic entitlement.

Coles pointed out that though the children of this generation are adaptable, bright, and resilient, there is a real danger that they may forget to acknowledge the needs of people outside themselves.

Coles' research has shown that children growing up in wealthy families have "a sense of entitlement". They take a lot for granted - music and dance lessons, overseas vacations, designer wear clothes, etc.

Born into a life of privileges, they can become narcissistic and self-centred, and lose sight of the larger needs of society. "These children lose the sense of responsibility that needs to accompany entitlement. And entitlement swings to narcissistic entitlement."

Children must be able to engage with the world around them or they will be trapped inside themselves, and this is a great tragedy of our culture: "Wealth can weaken some children in certain ways, unless their parents know how to ask of them as well as give to them."

When Coles asked privileged children to draw themselves, he noted that they repeatedly portrayed themselves as walled off or seated on Mount Everest. Coles observed that "they placed a strong emphasis on the self - its cultivation, development, and even display" - something which no other American child or any child from an immigrant culture did.

Coles also (somewhat wryly) observes that outer physical appearance matter so much to rich kids because they live in homes where there are mirrors in every room which reinforce the message that "looks count".

Privileged children often suffer from a deep-rooted sense of insecurity that their world will be snatched away from them. They worry that they may suddenly lose the wealth they enjoy, and if their parents lead mobile lives, this insecurity worsens.

In their drawings, a sunny day is suddenly overcast by thunder and lightening, as if life is potentially dangerous. This fear of being uprooted, this sense of confusion about where they belong or where they would like to live, is similar to what Coles says he found in migrant farm children.

It also explains why 'outside' people become so important to these children - gardeners, cooks, teachers, grandparents and so on. They serve as alternative models and are a healthy way of giving them a sense of belonging, especially when their own parents are leading busy lives. This sense of insecurity affects both rich and poor kids.

Parents from all socio-economic classes (and not just privileged ones) sometimes tend to place 'impossible' demands on their children. Coles points out that "it places a terrible burden on children when their parents make them the be-all and end-all of their life's purpose".

Instead, parents should try to act humble about their children's achievements and encourage them to accept life's failures and disappointments. For this to happen, the parents themselves "should have achieved some kind of moral self-awareness and a sense of direction in life".

It was Anna Freud, daughter of the great psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, who suggested that children's spiritual thinking impacts their psychological lives. Children today are on the lookout for moral and spiritual direction, irrespective of their faith.

They are naturally drawn to the mystery of the universe and ask questions (if only we would listen!) about the reasons for life, why does the sun rise and set, why do we die... Parents must listen to their children - real listening occurs when you show you are prepared to learn from them.

Children today are stereotyped as "spoiled brats" but they have an enormous resilience and adaptability. They are able to overcome their parent's mistakes, no matter what their childhood
experiences have been.

We should feel optimistic about the next generation of children because whether they are rich or poor, they have hope, imagination and resilience, qualities needed to face the unexpectedness of life.