Almost a week has passed since your death, and I have been avoiding and afraid to enter your house, may Allah have mercy on you. Repeatedly, I went near the door, but came back from fear and dread...my steps were heavy and my courage betrayed me, so I failed to open your door and left time and again. To no longer see your face breaks me every day.
Today, I gathered myself and entered my mother’s house for the first time after her death, may Allah have mercy on her. Surprisingly, I found among her scattered papers my pictures with her when she visited me in America! My mother was photographed with me in my small apartment in Virginia as I put a piece of food in her mouth. In another picture, she was with me in Washington in front of the White House.
I couldn't control myself, I collected what was light in weight and dearest to my heart: The Qur'an that she was reading; few books of supplications; the rosaries with which she used to praise Allah; the hand gloves that she kept dearly with the scent of her pure hands; the prayer scarf; the prayer rug that she used to spread in front of her bed to pray; the blanket and the bedsheet; the stick she was leaning on; the box of painkiller and the ointment that I used to rub her feet when I visited her.
I turned around in her room but found out that I was in front of walls, doors, and ceilings from which the soul came out and withered like autumn leaves.
I couldn't help myself. I was stricken in the depths of my soul. A lump was suffocating my chest and tears were trapped in my eyes. After a moment, burning tears flowed down my face. It was the most precious and heaviest tears: To lose you was bitter; the pain cut to my core. I cried until my tears ran out, and then I cried some more.
May Allah have mercy on you mother. In life I loved you dearly, In death I love you still. In my heart, you hold a place no one else can ever fill.
Mother, I’m looking around your room: the corner that you were playing with your son Abdulla. A very deep, painful, and frightening silence scares me. For few times, I tried to speak your name. But all I have here are memories and your pictures. Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part. Allah has selected you in his keeping. I have you in my heart until the last second of my life...O mother losing you, I lost ultimate love I will ever get.
Those special memories of you will always bring a deep pain in me. The fact that you’re no longer here will always cause me pain, but you are in my heart until we meet again.
Dearest mother, the week has been very long since I last listened to your breath at the hospital. Still, I’m listening to that sound inside my soul.
O, Almighty Allah, I thank you for the life of my mother, who has blessed my life and in cherishing me drew me closer to you. You know the emptiness in my heart as I grieve for my mother. May I be comforted in my belief that one day we will be reunited in your kingdom where there will be no more sorrow or pain.
Amen!
