Why teenage boys keep saying 'I’m fine' — and the emotional damage it causes

In school, my classmate once broke a washroom mirror.

He was furious with a teacher who had given him low marks on a math paper and refused to award the extra half-mark he needed to pass. And so, with a rather calm expression he marched to the washroom and we just heard a crash and the sounds of a mirror splintering.

There was much shock and confusion: He had always seemed quiet, reserved, sitting far from the rambunctious chaos that one would expect from a class of 13-year-olds. “But he was fine?” I remember someone saying.

But the truth is, the phrase ‘I’m fine’ can just be a mask across all ages, and especially with teenage boys in this case. If they are anything less than ‘fine; they receive a series of unflattering terms, the politest being namby-pamby and sissy.

Boys don’t cry.

But they should.

It’s easier to utter those words than to admit that they’re hurting inside.

Dr Lidia Lopez, a clinical psychologist explains why they turn to this default state: “It feels safer, than admitting that they’re overwhelmed. In adolescence, emotions can feel intense and confusing. So, ‘I’m fine’ is a way to avoid vulnerability.”

Another possible reason is that they see their parents saying ‘I’m fine’ all the time. Gradually, they find that strategy easier than telling the truth.

For instance, William Flannery, who shuttles between London and Dubai recalls his own experiences of why he always felt ashamed to cry in childhood. “You would be bullied, and harassed if you cried. You would be told that men don’t behave like that. We grew up with that conditioning. Men fix things. Men need to stay strong. Leave the crying to the women."

There was no space for a teenage kid to express his feelings. "Play football, let it out in fencing or go for boxing. Only later, did I realise how wrong that logic was,” he says.  “I was one of those kids. I would say I am fine and that turn aggressive on the football field. It’s what we were told to believe.”

This belief is tandem with what Ritasha Varsani, a clinical psychologist based in Dubai explains: "When they complain about being bullied, they are encouraged to fight back, rather than given space to express their feelings. From a young age, boys are granted less emotional freedom; sensitive boys are teased, compared, and told don't be girly.'"

Over time, they learn to suppress their emotions out of fear of judgment or humiliation, making it difficult to understand or navigate their own feelings." On the other hand, girls are encouraged to be supportive, polite, cooperative and understanding. These gendered expectations shape emotional expression from early childhood.

As Dr Girish Banwari, a psychiatrist based in Dubai explains: Boys are moulded by social and cultural expectations. And as a teenager, considering the identity is still being formed, there’s a pervasive sense of maleness. “They believe: ‘I should not be the one to break. I need to fix things’.” This suppression can turn brutally exhaustive, wearing them down in time and even impairing relationships around them.

They value independence, strength and emotional control, explains Dr Lopez. “When they experience sadness, fear, or insecurity, they may interpret those emotions as ‘weakness’ and shut down instead. Peer pressure and even family dynamics, such as being the older brother, can also contribute, as boys may feel an added pressure to appear strong or ‘in control.”

They’re often told things like ‘It’s not that bad,’ ‘Come on, be a man,’ or ‘Boys don’t cry.’ These comments discourage emotional expression and reinforce the idea that showing emotions equals vulnerability and that vulnerability is unsafe. By the teenage years, this habit is deeply internalised. As a result, ‘I’m fine’ often reflects a lifelong pattern of emotional self-silencing, one that can easily be passed on to the next generation if not addressed. We tend to associate emotional strength with not showing emotions, which is not true at all.

“Real emotional strength is the ability to recognise, express, and manage feelings in a healthy way,” explains Dr Lopez.

As Dr Banwari explains, there are subtle signs that it is a deeper emotional struggle, rather than just moodiness. You see the signs of social aloofness, aggression, which in time leads to fractured relationships, he adds. “They are trying to help themselves, instead of seeking help from others,” he explains. Seeking help from anyone else is a weakness.

Dubai-based Anshula Mehta a homemaker and mum to three boys, noticed the first red flags. Her youngest son seemed quite cheerful on the surface. He was eating well, faring decently in academics and spending time with friends. But, she couldn’t put a finger on it. There was something strained about his smile and sense of humour. The jokes were turning self-deprecatory slowly, though he insisted that he was fine.

As she later found out, he was being quietly bullied in class. Bullied for his looks, academics, and by his friends, no less. And it was beginning into eat into his self-worth. “I told him to break off from those friends, immediately,” she said.

The signs might seem subtle, but they exist:

Furthermore, if a teenage boy isolates himself in his room, eats alone, avoids family time, stays glued to screens, appears sad, withdraws from friends and family, experiences disrupted sleep, shows little interest in his appearance—or becomes overly preoccupied with it—loses interest in daily activities, becomes unusually quiet, or reacts with tantrums during most conversations, these are clear signs of emotional struggle and difficulty coping, explains Varsani.

When “I’m fine” is paired with withdrawal, physical complaints, or emotional volatility, it often means the opposite.

A father, or any important male figure needs to show that it is alright to express emotion and vulnerability, explains Dr Banwari. “That’s how they learn.

Fathers and male role models who model communication, emotional expression, and vulnerability, by talking openly about stress, mistakes, or worries, give boys permission to do the same.

As Varsani says, children need emotional space to simply exist. When parents shift from a controlling approach to a more collaborative one, a teenager’s nervous system naturally relaxes. Communication is essential. Maintain a calm tone, listen more, and avoid assuming that your perspective is the only correct one. Involve your child in creating possible solutions without demanding a specific outcome.

Above all, remind him that he is not alone and that you are there to support him. He just needs to know that.