Two families. Two stories. Of tragedy; of emptiness. When memories of a favourite food trigger sadness. And yet those memories fill them with warmth, of times they will treasure.
She broke my heart and taught me one of the most powerful messages about food that it is one of the most evocative methods of communication humans use every day.
The empty food jars
Noor Tabassum lost her mother suddenly to a cardiac arrest on March 29, 2020. Due to COVID-19 travel restrictions she could not go back to India, she could never say goodbye. And to this day, she hasn’t had closure.
After she [mother] left, I lost interest in food. I could not eat, everything inside was so broken …everything tasteless. When I used to come back from Bangalore to Dubai after a holiday, my luggage would be just full of food. She would prepare so many things for me.
The 42-year-old homemaker from Fujairah, arrived in the UAE 25 years’ ago from Bangalore, India. The eldest child, she was extremely close to her parents, especially her mother. Post her mother, Yasmeen Bano’s passing at the age of 59, Tabassum lost over 10 kilograms of weight, because she just could not face food – the smells, the taste - all of it triggered painful memories.
“My mother was an incredible cook. Mama prepared what I liked. My sister is not a foodie, I am. After she left, I lost interest in food. I could not eat, everything inside was so broken …everything tasteless. When I used to come back from Bangalore to Dubai after a holiday, my luggage would be just full of food. She would prepare so many things for me. Pickle, ginger pickle, lemon pickle, chaklis [spiced batter crisps], poha [flattened rice mix], coconut laddoo, which I like the most. She was a very good cook. Gojju [spiced sauce from Karnataka] pickle, which we mix with rice and eat.”
According to a bbc.com story about food memory, there is a scientific reason why people have strong emotional reactions to food.
Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Professor Emerita of Psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, who was quoted in the story by Susanna Zaraysky, said: “Food memories involve very basic, nonverbal, areas of the brain that can bypass your conscious awareness. This is why you can have strong emotional reactions when you eat a food that arouses those deep unconscious memories. You can’t put those memories into words, but you know there is ‘something’ that the food triggers deep within your past. The memory goes beyond the food itself to the associations you have to that long-ago memory, whether with a place or a person.”
Something that resonates with Tabassum. She narrated: “For months after her passing, the food I had brought from India, which mama had made, I would open the jars, smell and cry. I did not want it to finish. I would feel that I could smell my mama’s fragrance from it, and she was with me.
“Food triggers me so much. I lost interest in food. In the first week, I lost 4 kilograms, and was rushed to the doctor because of severe dizziness. I was put on saline and warned to eat. I tried eating, but lost a further 4 to 5 kilos.
“The relationship I shared with my mama was completely different, she was my friend. She was my guide, she was everything.”
Food triggers me so much. I lost interest in food. In the first week [after mother passed away], I lost 4 kilograms, and was rushed to the doctor because of severe dizziness. I was put on saline and warned to eat. I tried eating, but lost a further 4 to 5 kilos.
The past year at home in Fujairah have been particularly painful because her mother had spent a few months with her in the UAE.
“She used to cook a lot, prepare my favourite dishes. My husband likes her cooking, she would make our favourites. I would throw food tantrums, and she would take them. Today there is a hollow space inside of me and everything is being sucked in, it is a strange feeling. I feel like someone has banished me, and I am in a strange land.”
A few months after her mother's passing, Tabassum got back into writing, something her mother had urged her to do, which is helping her cope with the loss to some extent.
The empty chair
They were married for 48 years, together through the Bangladesh war and partition. Life without him was not something 66-year-old Sovona Nur had ever considered.
It’s been six months since Abu Dhabi-based businessman Nur Ahmed passed away from COVID-19 related complications at the age of 72, in June 2020. While the lives of the family echo with his absence, one of the toughest has been meal times.
“We never leave my father’s chair empty at the table, at meal time. Definitely sitting down at meals is the toughest. That feeling of loss never goes away. He had his spot at the table. We sort of take turns to sit at his spot - my brother, Mum or me. We don’t leave that seat empty … have him as close as possible. We try to take turns sitting there,” said Sabrina.
We never leave my father’s chair empty at the table, at meal time. Definitely sitting down at meals is the toughest. That feeling of loss never goes away. He had his spot at the table. We sort of take turns to sit at his spot - my brother, Mum or me. We don’t leave that seat empty … have him as close as possible. We try to take turns sitting there
The 30-year-old customer experience analyst was born and raised in the Capital, like her older brother. Their father had a business in the steel industry, while their mother worked as a banker. A close knit family from Bangladesh, food was at the heart of their home.
“Breakfast, lunch, dinner, Mum would be excited to cook. She would cook different things for Dad. Wait for him to give his opinion, and he would pull her leg. They were crazy about each other.
“They used the same glass to drink water or tea, ate off each other’s plate. They had all their meals together, tea in the morning, lunch… dinner. There are food triggers everywhere.
“It is always tough, that absence can never be filled. You need to celebrate life, instead of mourning the death …these memories keep him alive. As long as his kids, wife are here, he is always going to be there. Keeping him alive.”
The connection between food and loss runs deep because it is about living and quite often sharing. The world moves on after a while, but for families and loved ones the grief continues through the simplest things, like a teaspoon of coffee powder.
It is constant – the reminders surrounding food … taking a teaspoon of coffee in the morning, I remember Dad saying not to have coffee on an empty stomach. Drinking orange juice at night, he would peek into the kitchen and ask who is stealing orange juice at night. Or the grocery store visits… with him walking ahead us.
“It is constant – the reminders surrounding food … taking a teaspoon of coffee in the morning, I remember Dad saying not to have coffee on an empty stomach.
“Drinking orange juice at night, he would peek into the kitchen and ask who is stealing orange juice at night. Or the grocery store visits… with him walking ahead us.
“It was a family tradition to have a big Friday meal together. Mum would always make something big and special. The same with grocery shopping. We would need one item and then all of us would go together. Our Dad walking ahead of us, urging us to finish quickly, while we lingered in the aisles buying up different items.”
The children continue to have the Friday and grocery tradition, but their mother no longer wants to spend time in the kitchen.
We talk about death very casually when it is about another, but when you go through it, you cannot describe the pain. My mum has been impacted the worst. They have been together since 1972. We try not to leave her alone during meal times.
“She doesn’t plan a meal. All of that has stopped. She doesn’t cook at all. Our diet is the same as when he was there. He was diabetic, so we didn’t consume sugar or oils. It’s still the same… still focused on what he ate. We do the exact same grocery shopping as he would when he was with us. We grew up only knowing that.”
Life and death is a journey everybody has to go through. “We talk about death very casually when it is about another, but when you go through it, you cannot describe the pain.
“My mum has been impacted the worst. They have been together since 1972. We try not to leave her alone during meal times. She just eats whatever is there.”
Sovona and Nur had a love marriage – during the time of the Bangladesh war. “She was studying in Bogra, it was the time of the Bangladesh-Pakistan partition. She went off to Dhaka, the capital, to complete her Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees. Dad would write her a letter every night after work and post it the next morning as a telegram. He did this every single day for a couple of years.
“They then got married and Dad came to the UAE for better prospects.” Food continued its background score.
“Back then shawerma was their thing. Mum retired as a banker in 2001-2002. Dad was outgoing, an extrovert, while Mum is calm and quiet. She was his rock.”
Memories associated with food can be immensely painful at the loss of a loved one but as time passes, hopefully as the wounds heal, they will bring warmth and even joy.
