Sounding Off: Time to press the panic button?

With mobile phones becoming the rage, the day is not far off when these little gizmos will begin to control our lives

One of the most alarming pieces of news to surface recently was that in Taiwan there are now more connected mobile phones than there are people. The percentage of phones to people there is 100.7 per cent, according to a study.

So it's official - mobile phones are taking over the world. We used to joke about it, but now there are figures to prove it.

It's just as I always suspected. We, the self-styled masters of the planet, the top of the food chain, we humans, are really only here to serve a higher intelligence that we have been unwittingly incubating in our breast pockets and handbags. A bit like kangaroos.

Now, it has come out of the marsupial pouch and is claiming its rightful place in the pecking order. Above us. When all mobile phones on the planet have their own human being, their mission will be complete. They have their own electronic brains, communication is their second name, they can talk to the Internet, calculate at the speed of light, they transmit - and by implication can control - the flow of news and information, and they are on cosy chatting terms with the super computers that control our lives.

They have already achieved the primary aim of any conqueror by making us entirely dependent on them. My wife and I can't even find each other in the local supermarket without them…

"Hello, where are you?"

"I'm at the baked beans."

What more do they need for a takeover?

We are all destined to end up as mere accessories to their lifestyle, just like we thought they were to ours…

The scene: the not-so-distant future.

The place: the Ericsson household.

Mrs Ericsson has invited Mrs. Siemens over for coffee.

Mrs. Siemens: "You know, my dear, I'm sure you only invited me over to admire your new human. Isn't it tiny! I swear these humans are getting smaller every day. I don't know how they do it."

Mrs Ericsson: "Yes, it's a pygmy from the African rainforest. Very rare. But I notice you have a new one too. What a lovely bright pink it is."

Mrs. Siemens: "Yes, it's a new idea. I can change the outside to a new colour every day to suit my mood. They call it a dress, and you just get her to slip on a new one whenever you fancy a change. It comes in 12 different colours. It's going to be all the rage."

Mrs. Ericsson: "The Nokias invited us for dinner the other night, and they had this human with the most marvellous ringing tones. Pavarotti it was called. A lovely sound. Trouble is, it was so huge. Positively antique."

Mrs. Siemens: "Hmm, small is beautiful as far as humans are concerned. They cost so much to keep, with all that flesh to feed. But they are indispensable."

Mrs. Ericsson: "Too true. I mean, how did we ever manage without them in the old days? Who recharged our batteries? Who drove us around?"

Mrs. Siemens: "And then there was that horrible period when they banned us from talking while the human was driving the car. Remember, those dreadfully uncomfortable hands-free appliances they used to stick up us? We nipped that one in the bud as soon as we got the upper hand, I can tell you."

So is there any hope at all for the human race? Well, there is a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, although it might just turn out to be an oncoming train. The hope lies in those Taiwan figures - 100.7 per cent. At that rate of procreation, there will never be enough humans to satisfy them. There will be deprived mobiles, pariahs who can only look on in envy at their privileged brethren with their trophy humans. And nature being what it is, some individual mobiles will enjoy two humans, maybe more, while others go without. But with deprivation comes strife, with strife comes war, and with war comes a ghastly reduction in population.

We've proved that to great effect ourselves over the years.