Off The Cuff: 'Of all things great and hairy'

Carson City, Nevada recently held the World Beard and Moustache Championships. Our local newspaper carried a picture of a proud owner of a fully grey, gravity defying, hirsute contraption attached to the face. No doubt a worthy contestant.

Surprisingly, he was all smiles. The face was no longer a face. It was a small canvas completely dominated by the over-powering presence of the moustache-beard combo, and yet, he smiled. And it was no fake "say-cheese" camera grin.

Meanwhile, I couldn't help thinking of the pure logistics of day to day existence with a permanent attachment like that.

While eating, what happens to those mischievous crumbs that play hide and seek in the deep recesses of beard and moustache playgrounds? Are they ever found and forced out immediately, or do they stay hidden for a while? Ditto the odd escaped drop of coffee, tea or juice. Is it brushed off, rinsed out or cleaned with stain remover when the owner eventually becomes aware of it?

Speaking of cleanliness, what lather do they use - soap, shampoo, used toothpaste (c'mon, some of its got to get in there), or perhaps an unholy orgy of all three?

And how about grooming? Is it brushed, combed, blow dried? Do curlers come into the picture to get that perfect wave? Maybe some of them use gel for those ideal waxed tips that point heaven-ward for divine inspiration. Then, of course, there's the amount of time devoted to the pursuit of hairy happiness.

A regular schedule must be maintained and strictly adhered to, to have any kind of value in hirsute terms. Avid stylists are probably required to race home to trim and wax.

Forget work, family, golf, or any other means of entertainment. Looking around the place of work, it's interesting to note just how many different species of facial hair are on display.

My personal favourite is the werewolf special. This particular genre calls for uneven, wild and expansive growth. Only tiny patches of skin are allowed to make an appearance. Otherwise, hair reigns supreme.

Second in line, is the salt and pepper look favoured by the majority, with a slightly larger helping of salt than pepper. The coat is longer than the werewolf special, but more orderly and well-behaved.

There's also the 'I'm- a-man, really' specimens, which are longer than a shadow, but much, much shorter than werewolf specials or salt and peppers. These are generally sported by young bucks out to impress the opposite sex with their so-called macho style.

The ones with real style, though, are the French beards. These call for accurate shaping, painstaking devotion and slightly sagging jowls to contrast the sharp outlines of face art between them.

Moustaches without accompanying beards are called half-breeds. They flirt dangerously close to being part of the big league, but settle down eventually in their rightful place behind the aristocrats in the hierarchy. Half-breeds also come in various categories.

There's pencil-thin, shoe-brush, straight-laced and the wispy. The wispy is kind of cute, being the youngest, but it bravely competes with more mature rivals in this great contest of male identity.