Novelty Items

The graphologist who analysed my illegible handwriting ten years ago concluded that I had designed my script to be unintelligible in order to prevent the content of what I wrote from ever being read, as I lacked confidence in my own opinion and was incapable of coherent argument. It was an interesting theory, and you may well agree that I write nothing that contains a grain of sense, but unlike the graphologist, you can keep that idea to yourselves.

Consequently, I was sent to my school's art department for my handwriting to be 'corrected'. Sadly, the pottery teacher failed to instruct me in the gentle art of calligraphy, and now even I cannot read much of what I write by hand.

My scrawl is that of a drunken spider waltzing through ink. But, a decade has passed and, thanks to computers, I need never put pen to page again, thus exposing my foibles and faults to keen-eyed experts ready to pounce, analyse and draw conclusions.

However, there are other little things that give us away, that point to the person we really are, that betray our true nature and characteristics, such as how we hold a teacup, for example, or whether we put the milk in first.

And then there are really important things, which are not quite so easy to change - such as the face.

I mean, if you hold the teacup in a funny way that might mark you out as being a latent lepidopterist, or a frantic phillumenist or even as unusually unctuous, you could simply stop drinking tea. But, you can't stop having a face.

And where you find faces, you often find face readers.

Face readers have been around for a long time - from Hippocrates to Giovanni Battista della Porta - practising the art of physiognomy. Now, many travel under a different name, that of personologists, and just by looking at you they can tell you a few hometruths.

But why not try this for yourself at home while you boil the kettle for a cup of tea?

The eyes, as we all know, are the windows to the soul, so you should start there. If your eyes are close together it could be that you are an intolerant kind of person, a perfectionist who is never satisfied.

Then again, if the gap between both eyes is as wide as the eye itself, you are inclined to be lazy, prone to ulcers and inclined to procrastinate. And, don't confuse the creases at the edges of your eyes as laughter lines, as they probably suggest writing ability. (I don't have lines there, in case you were wondering).

I've looked into my own eyes and what my uneducated eye sees terrifies me sufficiently to seek assistance. Only, this time I won't be scurrying off to the art department for correction, but the cosmetic surgeon's couch, to return with a page as blank as a sheet of new paper.