'My cousin brother loves me and wants to marry me'

A reader asks: I am a 23-year-old girl and recently was working in a bank where my cousin brother called me and asked me to call him when I am free. I checked with him if it's related to any of the bank issue and he kept on saying "yes it is once u are free call me". I said okay and hung the phone.

Later, I didn't call him back thinking that he will discuss family issues as I won't be able to say no to him. He is my uncle's son and respected in the entire family and very decent, sweet caring, down-to-earth, understanding person and never spoke bad about anybody in the family.

Time passed and he called again after 4/5 months during Ramzan 2012. I said I am working at the mall branch, so he came over to speak to me telling me that there is something he needs to discuss with me. I said okay, but he discussed many things, but nothing in particular. Days passed, and I met him again and again. He didn't say anything. During Eid, he came home, greeted mama and papa and had dinner with us. Later he asked me to go along with him as he didn't buy anything for himself for Eid. So I said okay and went along. He bought me a dress and didn't buy anything for himself.

On way back home, he said that he likes me so much. I told him it's okay brother, even I admire you and like you. Time passed and again we went out to a mall. Later, he texted me that he is in love with me and wants to marry me. I didn't reply. After two days, I texted him of some work and he was embarrassed of what he said and apologized. Again, he expressed his feelings for me and I said okay. This continued and I didn't have the courage to say no to him.

He is married with four kids, but all the family members know that he has been compromising and sacrificing all his life. He went for arranged marriage and there is not much understanding  between him and his wife. So, I was confused and I said yes to his proposal. We met and we chatted. He is very caring,  loving and adorable. He takes care of me no matter what.

He went to Pakistan and came back in 11 days even though he had leave for a month because he missed me. He has given me so much of love. His wife is also a cousin of mine, both blood relation cousin. I am confused. Am I doing wrong? I never forced him, I used to call him brother.

Please advice. He says I am the happiness he lacked in his life and I am his life. He says he needs appa (his wife) for the upbringing of his children and me to cherish his love and happiness. I am not sure, I don't  want to be unjust with anyone.

Dr Raad Hayder Alkhaiat, MBChB , (MRCPsych) London, Member of Royal College of Psychiatrists, replies: After knowing your problem, which looks mainly social, in which you are facing an  unexpected social situation and consequences. There are three parties in your problem: your lover, his wife and children and your family.

So you have to think about each one, how to face them and what could be the consequences for you and for them.

However, I think the most important part of the problem is your family and what will be their reaction to that. Also his wife and whether the matter has been discussed with her or will be a surprise for her. Each scenario will have its own consequences.

In the mean time, it is a personal decision for you and it is your responsibility and you have to face the consequences for your action in such a complicated environment.

So, try to discuss the issue with your parents, which will lead you to what to do and how to behave with the lover because emotions are not enough for marriage.

Disclaimer: This blog is a conversation and is not an alternative for treatment. The recommendations and suggestions offered by our panel of psychiatrists are their own and Gulf News will not take any responsibility for the advice they provide.