Giving kids the right answer

Children appreciate honesty when you reply to their questions, so it's best to be as straight as possible. It's better to be candid on some issues rather than distort facts

When answering children's tough questions, a simple rule of the thumb is to give just enough information for children below three years of age; address the issue in more general terms for four-to seven-year-olds; and, go into details for children older than eight years.

The 'right' answer also depends on one's cultural background and parenting philosophy. Some parents believe that children have the right to "know everything", others are more cautious in their approach. You may choose to seek advice from close friends, but ultimately you know your child better than anyone else, so follow your own intuition and instincts. Remember too that children appreciate honesty and it is better to sometimes say, "I don't know" rather than warp the truth.

Why is Jenny white in colour and I am brown?

Preschoolers begin to observe colour differences around the time they start meeting other children. Point out that the world is full of people belonging to different countries and races who wear different clothes and eat different foods. Some people have ancestors from Africa, China, or Norway.

Emphasise that one race is not better than another. Older children may ask this question 'too late', that is, after they have been the victim of a racial slur or witnessed a racist incident. It is important to keep your emotions in check and answer calmly. Explain how prejudice and bias can hurt, and that everyone has the right to be treated respectfully.

Why am I adopted?

Very young children are generally content with a simple answer such as "when you were born you needed a family to love you and take care of you, and we needed a child to love and take care of". However, this may not be enough to satisfy a six-or seven-year-old who may also want to know, "Where are my real mother and father?"

It's best to be honest and say, "I don't know where your tummy-mummy is, but I am bringing you up that makes me your mummy". If you act too defensive when your child asks questions about his adoption, or sound curt, he may think there is something bad about being an adopted child. Really, all that adopted children want to hear over and over again, and at any age, is that "adoption is forever".