Giving kids a sense of self worth

Paying attention to your child’s level of self-esteem is very important because it tells you how they perceive themselves, and it determines how they interact with the world and how they deal with challenges in their lives.

Children with healthy self-esteem will likely make healthier choices for their mind and body because they feel they are worth caring for and protecting. As your children grow older they will need to make many decisions in life.

If they value their whole self, they will make decisions that take care of their safety, health and feelings and resist buckling under peer pressure to do things that are dangerous and harmful for them. 

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is a feeling of appreciation for yourself and a sense of self-worth. It means considering yourself in a positive yet realistic way, taking responsibility and pride in yourself.

According to research, high levels of self-esteem are associated with better coping skills, emotional stability and a more positive outlook on life. According to the World Health Organization, positive self-esteem protects children and adolescents from mental distress and helps them cope appropriately with difficult and stressful life situations.

In addition, the Mayo Clinic suggests that people with good self-esteem create healthier, more secure and genuine relationships and are less likely to suffer from depression and eating disorders. 

How self-esteem builds as children grow

When children are born they do not have a sense of being good or bad. Their sense of self develops according to what they see in their environment and by the words and actions of their caregivers.

So, when you smile at your baby’s antics and small achievements, take care of its needs and safety, hug them and spend time with them, they learn that they are appreciated and valued.

As they grow older they start attending to what people around them are saying about them so it is important to keep your comments positive and not judge harshly because children will start believing those negative things about themselves. 

As toddlers become preschoolers they are exposed to more people outside the home, playmates, family, neighbors and teachers and they have to learn to follow social rules and manage their emotions and behaviors to fit into those group.

If they are able to appropriately function in these groups and feel a sense of belonging, this affects their self-esteem. Slowly children start having more of a role in developing their self-esteem. They learn to evaluate themselves and start to interpret feedback from people around them.

At this point, accomplishments in different areas, academic, social, athletic or emotional, is what boosts their sense of worth. Being accepted into a group of friends, or finishing a school project or learning a new sport etc. builds their faith in their ability and thus their self-esteem. 

Tips for parents and caregivers

Affirmations: Praise your children but be truthful. Describe the action, ability or quality you appreciate and look for the things they do well. However, avoid flattery as children can often see through it and empty praise will only give children an inflated sense of self which will not help in their social interactions. Reward the effort, not just the successes. 

Achievements: Expose children to a variety of experiences and do not be overprotective. When children make decisions and achievements in these areas they will become more confident. Allow them to make some mistakes, and experience the consequences. Learning responsibility is a big part of forming healthy self-esteem. Volunteering and making contributions to the community also increases self-esteem. 

Expectations: Set realistic expectations, be it related to discipline or chores around the house or tasks at school. Accomplishing these will raise your child’s self-esteem. Expectations should be appropriate to age and child’s development otherwise they will feel they are always falling short. 

Positive self-talk: Help your child talk positively to him or herself. Negative self-talk is known to lead to depression. If a child loses a game and says “I will never be able to do this”, you can ask him to say instead “It’s OK, I did my best, and if I keep trying I’ll get better”. 

Criticism: We often need to tell our children what they did right or when they need to correct something but avoid ridiculing or shaming your child as this negatively affects self-esteem. Criticize the action or behavior, not the child.

Model good self-esteem: Children mirror what they see. Show them that you are good at some things and not so good at others but that you are willing to make an effort. Take good care of yourself and do not make depreciating comments about yourself.

Aamnah Husain is a Psychologist and Parenting Expert to Fun City.