A message for all parents with children heading for college

To say that college changed my life would be an understatement. Like many of my peers, I grew up in a middle-class family, and was the first to attend a four-year institution. Unlike many of my teenaged peers, however, I was obsessed with the idea of going to college. So much so, that as a 13-year-old 8th grader, I’d find my mother literally dragging me to bed at 3 in the morning because I wouldn’t stop ‘researching’ colleges online. “You’re too young to be thinking about this!” I was told. Not entirely unhappily, of course. I know deep down, she was quite proud, though she’ll never admit it to this day!

I didn’t understand the obsession. It was just there – a pull towards this center of unlimited knowledge, where ideas merged and anything was possible... anything. It was an escape, I’d like to admit. Growing up in small town suburbia was nice, but I felt restricted, unchallenged and towards the later years, began descending into complacency. So I’d wander down my imaginary lanes, conjure competitors and colleagues and dream of what it would be like to be completely immersed in learning. Not studying, no, that was never fun. It was always learning. Learning was different. It was the magic that happened between studying what was on paper and being curious about what wasn’t there.

My parents (like many parents) were, for the most part, oblivious to my mind’s inner-workings. Fortunately, I was a pretty vocal child so I’d share my dreams and aspirations almost on a daily basis. I never heard a discouraging word. Now, that’s an unusual circumstance. Parents that let YOU decide what you want to do with your life? One day I’d come home and say I want to be an artist, my parents would smile and say “That’s great!”. Another day, I’d try to convince them why I would make a fantastic badminton player and should pursue it professionally. They would cheer me on. My friends often told me how easy I had it. They still do. In all honesty, it was my parents complete faith in me that let me think and imagine as far and wide as I could. Having my parents tell me that they trusted my decision propelled me to dream even bigger, and empowered me to go achieve those dreams. Variables like society, or money or, status, or whether I’d make a better wife if I majored in Economics vs Computer Science did not belong in their parenting equations. They just wanted me to be happy. So that’s what I sought. (Just to be clear, I really enjoyed painting and won many local competitions. Same goes for badminton. The choices weren’t random, but rather some of my true interests)

I got lucky more than once. I got lucky when my family could afford a PC and an internet connection in 1999, right around the time I needed it most. I also lucked out with the people I met on college admissions forums – one individual in particular, who walked me through the entire process of applying to colleges abroad. I hadn’t even heard of MIT until he recommended that I apply there. And it didn’t hit me until months after I had received my admissions packet, how incredibly easy he had made the process for me. Surely, I could do the same for someone else who needs help? And so I began college counseling (free of charge) on and off, for friends and family, and strangers alike. It is quite possibly one of the biggest decisions parents make for their kids, and it’s not an easy one at all. You’d think having access to a ton of information would resolve that, but if it’s not the right kind of information, it’s just not going to help.

With this in mind, I’d like to present you, the parents, with some things I’ve learned over the years.

1) For starters, let’s talk about the burden. I know you’re feeling it. But you know what, your kid’s probably feeling the pressure too. And I don’t just mean the financial burden. I’m including researching, discussing, figuring out, decision making... don’t tear your hair out just yet. The best thing to do, if you’d like to stay involved and help out as much as you can, is to ask questions. Ask your son or daughter about college. Are they thinking about it? Are they looking into options? Encourage them to research and study the space independently. And to be curious, beyond restrictions.

2) When it comes to the checklist, it’s actually quite straightforward. For American colleges, the requirements don’t go beyond grades, extra-curriculars, SATs, and the personal statement/essays. In many cases, and I cannot emphasize this enough, the essay is your golden ticket. For instance, if you’ve been through any unusual or challenging circumstances, the essay offers you a chance to explain your application, and to gain fair ground. Unfortunately, it is one of the least understood components of the packet and doesn’t get the attention it deserves. The picture is clearer with grades and scores – the higher, the better. But what differentiates a good essay from a bad one? I think I’ll leave this discussion for another week.

It’s funny, I’d like to say my parents let me do anything I wanted, but in reality they did draw clear boundaries for me and my siblings. We were to be disciplined. We were to appreciate the value of hard work. We were rewarded for good behaviour, and grounded for talking on the phone for three hours. There was also a slight expectation that I’d go into medicine (this should not be a shocker!), but when I said I couldn’t stand biology, that expectation faded and made way for a support network that I desperately needed. I was young, and I was confused. As confused as I was, I didn’t need answers to be given to me, nobody does. We only need guidance, positive nudges that lead us to the answers eventually.

(Laila Shabir is co-founder and CEO of LearnDistrict, an edtech start-up focused on making content-driven educational games for adults (high school and above) in the US.