Why do parents feel like they're failing when they're not? The 'good enough' dilemma

A Dubai-based mother who would rather not be named, was beset by doubts. She knew that her 15-year-old daughter was in a relationship; the secrecy, hushed phone calls and constant messaging were a giveaway. Yet, she felt a little hurt: She had always considered herself as rather open. She had encouraged her children to talk to her about everything. So, why didn’t her daughter want to talk to her about her first relationship?

It stung. She tried prodding. It annoyed her daughter. The discomfort remained, as her daughter stayed out late. “I really thought that I failed to win my daughter’s confidence. I thought that I was such a failure,” she remembers.

It has been five years since then. And her daughter did confide in her, a few months later. “Maybe, in a way, it is a good thing that I waited and didn’t try to confront her? But I was so worried. What if he had been the wrong person for her? What if he was a bad influence,” she says, looking back at all the things that she could have done differently. “Only later, did I learn how my friends had approached such conversations gently, but firmly. But again, I did feel that I had failed somewhere again.”

As she says, as a parent, she got caught in trying to give her daughter space and there was also a fear, that the situation could have gone south. “Sometimes, you really can’t win as a parent,” she says rather ruefully.

The feeling hurts, stings and fades into an ache.Perhaps it’s all part and parcel of being a parent.

Being a parent does bring up a level of responsibility, worry and emotional pressure that is difficult to measure, as Sarah Maamari, Psychologist for Children, Adolescents, and Families at Sage Clinics, explains.

They may be doing many things right: Showing up, listening, setting boundaries, trying to understand their child, but still feel consumed by the moments that did not go well. “This feeling often comes from how deeply parents care. When you love your child, even ordinary moments can feel loaded. Losing patience, not knowing what to do, or seeing your child struggle can quickly turn into the thought, ‘I must be doing something wrong.’ But struggling as a parent is not the same as failing as a parent. In many cases, the worry itself reflects care, awareness, and a desire to do better,” she explains. 

Dubai-based Abhilasha remembers a particularly trying week when her six-year-old child had tearful meltdowns everyday. She couldn't understand what was wrong, and spent sleepless nights wondering, why couldn't she understand her son?

She felt that she wasn't good enough.

Yet, feelings, as crucial as they are, are not always facts. And sometimes in our most pronounced moods, we might make it seem so. As Professor Mercedes Sheen, Professor of Psychology at Heriot-Watt University Dubai, explains, "Feeling overwhelmed, losing patience or worrying that you are not doing enough can quickly become, 'I'm a bad parent.'"

Yet, feeling inadequate, is not the same as being inadequate. "In fact, the parents who worry about getting it right are often the ones thinking most carefully about their children." And in Abhilasha's case, only later, after learning to calm herself down, did she learn that her son was being bullied in school.

Parenting doesn't come with a scorecard. "The difficulty is that parenting rarely gives us immediate feedback or one obvious 'right' answer, so doubt has plenty of room to creep in."

And so she says, build faith in yourself, and trust that you are doing the right thing at the moment for your family. Yes, faith is evasive; it is hard to grasp when our worst enemies lie within ourselves. "We tend to give other parents context while giving ourselves criticism. If another parent loses patience after a terrible night's sleep, we think, 'They're exhausted; it happens.' If we do it, we think, 'I'm a terrible parent.'"

Parents also tend to compare the behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlights. And that, burns more.

Those highlights have never been easier to find. Moreover, there is the existence of social media to compound the problem. It can make parenting look cleaner and calmer than it really is, as Maamari says.

Parents often see curated moments: The tidy playroom, the calm conversation, the balanced lunchbox, the family day out, the gentle parenting response. "What they do not see is the tantrum before the photo, the exhaustion behind the smile, or the arguments that happen off camera," she says.

This constant exposure rewrites our sense of what is normal. When you constantly consume curated parenting, exceptional moments start to look like everyday reality. And, ordinary adequate parenting can compel you to feel inadequate, and so, you feel that you aren't coping as well as the people you see on social media.

The stakes feel high and the comparison cuts deep. "We compare ourselves most strongly in areas that matter to us, and parenting matters enormously. Seeing another child apparently thriving can immediately trigger questions: Should mine be reading more, eating better, doing another activity? But we are comparing without the full picture," explains Sheen.

Then there is the endless stream of expert tips. "Online parenting advice can also be overwhelming," says Maamari.

No doubt, some of it is helpful. Yet, too much advice can leave parents feeling as if every choice matters enormously. "One video says screens are harmful, another says parents need rest. One post says respond calmly every time, another warns about boundaries. Parents are left feeling like they are always doing something wrong."

If modern parenthood came with a job advertisement, few people would qualify. "Parents today are expected to be emotionally available, patient, playful, financially stable, informed about child development, calm under pressure, involved in school, mindful of nutrition, careful with screen time, and also maintain work, relationships, and their own wellbeing," says Maamari. "The standard has shifted from being a 'good enough' parent to being a constantly optimised parent."

The real parent has work, bills, deadlines and bad days. If perfection is the benchmark, normal parenting will seem like the failure, adds Sheen. Instead of chasing a flawless record, she argues, "When we do make a mistake, we should apologise because kids also learn from seeing adults make mistakes, apologise and repair them."

How can parents tell when they are being too hard on themselves? Maamari lists the warning signs. "A parent may be too hard on themselves if they replay small moments for hours, feel guilty for needing breaks, compare themselves constantly to other parents, or believe that one difficult day means they are damaging their child."

Another sign is dismissing everything they are doing well and only focusing on mistakes. Healthy parenting includes mistakes. What matters is repair, consistency, warmth, and the willingness to keep learning.

The ordinary frictions of family life, such as meltdowns, sibling squabbles and overloaded weeks, are where that guilt tends to take root. If a child has a meltdown, you may feel that you aren't patient enough. A busy day may become, 'I am not present enough'. A screen time battle may become, 'I have ruined their routine.'

The moments feel heavier, as their parents love their children and want to get it right. Yet, everyday challenges are not evidence of failure. They are part of development, family life, and learning."

The real distinction, she says, lies in the voice inside a parent's head. "Healthy self-reflection sounds like, 'That was a hard moment. What can I try differently next time?' Harmful self-criticism sounds like, 'I am a terrible parent. I always get it wrong.'

Reflection leads to learning and repair. Criticism leads to shame and paralysis." She suggests asking yourself one question: "Would I speak this way to another parent I care about?"

So what would the experts say to the parent lying awake at night, certain they are letting their child down?

Maamari explains, "I would say: the fact that you are asking this question already tells me you care deeply. Children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who are present enough, safe enough, loving enough, and willing to repair when things go wrong. A difficult day does not erase your love. A moment of frustration does not define your parenting. You are allowed to be human and still be a good parent."