Off The Cuff: Thespians make lousy governors

The great thing about democracy is that the public not only gets the government it wants; by implication it also gets the government it deserves. Welcome to the Corridors of Power, Arnie. We thought the notion of Ronald Reagan becoming president of the US was a joke. Until it happened. Now, Schwarzenegger has been elected king pin in his beloved "Caulifarnia", a state not exactly renowned for level-headedness in matters political or otherwise.

It confirms what I have always suspected, that the bulk of the American public have lost the ability to distinguish between reality and fantasy.

Admittedly, it was not difficult for such an incandescent star to eclipse his main rival, Mr. Gray-by-name-Gray-by-nature. Nevertheless, this was a classic example of the Hollywood tail wagging the national dog. As one observer put it: "It's difficult to tell when the scripting ends and the politics begins."

For all we know, Arnie might turn out to be a breath fresh air in his gubernatorial debut. Lovely word, that. Gubernatorial. It trips of the tongue like something that really should have come down your nose.

Still, I predict a complete takeover of the US administration by Tinsel Town.

Tipped as presidential candidates in the past have been, among others, Warren Beatty and Clint Eastwood. Ask them about it, and they say "I have no ambitions in that direction."

Which means they do. Dare we, I wonder, look into a horrifying future in which Hollywood has written the final act and gained total power…?

Scene One, Take one.

The Oval Office at the White House, where President Woody Allen and his cabinet colleagues are wrestling with an international crisis…

Pres. Allen: "Ok, so I'm short. Short , short, short. But short guys have dignity too. It's not my fault my mother made me wear short pants till I was 21. It was all we could afford. It was a poor neighbourhood, money was tight. So were the pants. My shrink says it has defined my character. I know people think I'm paranoid - but that's just because they're all against me…"

Culture Secretary Sylvester Stallone: "Somebody gonna shut this wimp up, or do I have to take him out?"

Pres. Allen: "I wish I could just make one real decision, like presidents are supposed to do. It would really make my day."

Defence Secretary Clint Eastwood: "Hey - that was my line, Dogbreath!"

Nat. Security Adviser Bugs Bunny: "But gentlemen, we are here to discuss an impending nuclear attack by North Korea."

Pres. Allen: "The logical-positivist stance would argue a confrontational role, but from a purely existentialist point of view…"

Health Secretary Schwarzenegger: "What's da matta wit dis guy? Can't he talk plain Anglish? How did this chump get to be president anyway?"

Energy Secretary Marlon Brando: "I coulda been a contender."

Interior Secretary Robert De Niro: "You lookin' at me?"

Pres. Allen: "But we must decide on a course of action."

Health Secy. Schwarzenegger: "Easy, we nuke 'em right now and it's hasta la vista baby!"

Culture Secy. Stallone: "I thought this bum was Austrian, so why's he talkin' Spanish?"

Interior Secy. De Niro: "You lookin' at me?"

Nat. Security Adviser Bugs Bunny: "Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have to report that North Korea has just launched a pre-emptive nuclear attack on us."

Culture Secy. Stallone: "What's a pre-emptive?"

Interior Secy. De Niro: "You lookin' at me?"

Pres. Allen: "Oh my gosh, this is terrible. And I've paid my shrink a full month in advance. Now I'll never get to know why I go around sniffing car tyres every alternate Sunday. But we must do something. What's our defence policy, Clint?

Defence Secy. Eastwood: "We'll put the wagons in a circle and wait until dark."

Yes, the government you deserve…