Teens need to learn conflict resolution

Kidshealth website reports that, “Depression is the most common mental health in the US, affecting 17 million people of all groups, races and economic backgrounds. One in every 33 children may have depression; in teens, that number may be as high as 1 in 8”. In the UAE too, over the last few years, I have seen a number teens affected by depression and for me, this is a major concern. While a number of factors are responsible for depression, in my view, the one major factor that needs to be addressed with urgency is the role of conflict resolution. It is a reality that rears its head in everyday life for teens, given the complexity of factors that influence the phase of life they are going through. From the hormonal to the physical and emotional, teenagers are buffetted by a variety of issues that create conflict in their minds in their teen years. Therefore, it is crucial for every parent to teach their child the art of conflict resolution. It is a skill the children will employ for the rest of their lives to tackle whatever life throws their way. As such, it’s importance and value of conflict resolution cannot be overstated.

A broad truth about human behaviour is that it is not always properly trained to handle conflicts. In a family unit, the crucible for every individual’s formative influences, a child takes his cues on conflict resolution by mainly observing and learning from the reactions and responses to conflicts of adults.

What is a conflict?

Quarrels, squabbles, conflicts and arguments are an inevitable part of our daily life in our dealings with others. The dictionary defines conflict as, “to disagree with someone over opposite opinions”. In a conflict, one of the parties may perceive a threat to their individual needs, interests and goals, the key word here being ‘perceived’ because as it happens often, the threat may not be real. But the perception drives the individual’s behaviour. When people disagree over a viewpoint or decision, most of the time they don’t openly express disagreement but chose alternative indirect methods to express the conflict they are battling internally. The methods may include withdrawal, sarcasm, cynicism, humour. And even if they choose to directly communicate their sense of conflict, they opt for tactics such as arguing, cursing, screaming and throwing things around or physically harming the individual with an opposing point of view.

In a teenager’s’ world too, such extreme reactions can take place. When they get angry, they say things without realising the negative impact their words can have. If you notice, in anger, the tongue speaks faster than the mind can think. This happens unintentionally, at the spur of the moment, but that is not to say the feelings and emotions are born at that very moment. They could have been nurtured over a period of time with plenty of self-talk as well as due to shared peer experiences of similar circumstances and conflicting emotions. The views could have been kept in mind by the teen over a period of time, and all it needs is a situational trigger to set off an outburst.

Nature of conflicts

Conflict is either internal or external.

Triggers for internal conflicts: confusion, indecision, conflict with one’s own core beliefs and values peer pressure, relationship with self and people; coping ability vs. expectations and demands and self-decisions on career choices, to name a few.

Case study of internal conflict

Jessica is invited to a party in which all her friends have decided to stay on late. They are aware that Jessica cannot stay back late as her curfew time is 11pm. They try to convince her to forget the curfew time and just enjoy the party. And so begins Jessica’s dilemma and conflict: should she stay back, enjoy being with her friends and face the the consequences of her decision? Or should she ignore her friends’ exhortations (after all, they aren’t the ones to face the music) and head back home even if it means leaving behind all the fun?

Triggers for external conflicts: Disagreement over perception, values, ideas, desires and motivations, society, nature, systems, luck, structure, etc.

Case study of an external conflict

Peter is leaving Dubai and going back to his home country, the UK, because his father has lost his job. Peter would like to stay on in Dubai and complete his high school but it is not possible now. He is angry with his father’s company though he has no choice but to to accept the decision. His sense of conflict is with the decision of the company and the nature of job dismissal.

How do teens respond to conflicts?

In conflicts, most teens indulge in certain behaviours that either help to resolve the conflict, or not. In fact, when teens indulge in behaviours that are not positive, they turn short-term conflicts into long-term issues.

When ignored, conflicts continue to fester and stay with us. Unresolved conflicts are manifested in unhealthy ways which include a lack of focus, being on the edge and anger-prone. As long as the conflict is alive, everything becomes related to it and every issue is taken personally. The repressed anger as a result of this inability to resolve the conflict, gets directed at people who have nothing to do with the issue.

Examples of unresolved conflicts:

1) Ron and David are at loggerheads because both contested for the role of captain of the football team. Last year, Ron was the captain and he won many laurels for his institution and the team was declared the best team in town. This year, David got the captaincy. Not happy with this decision, Ron was angry because according to him, he deserved to be the captain this year as well as he had already proven himself last year.

Not able to accept the loss of position, Ron began to indulge in unsportsman-like behaviour. During the game, he would not pass the ball to anyone but would play dominatingly alone. He was the best player and had scored the highest goals last year so the team could not risk having him out due to his misbehaviour on the field.

Ron continued to behave badly with his team mates, abusing them and making fun of them when the team lost. He was constantly found arguing with the coach and the captain. His enthusiasm and drive were replaced by constant bickering and arguing. He stopped reaching on time for practice and also started losing interest in academics.

2) Jane and Tina were friends but due to many issues, decided to part ways. Jane is however heart-broken over the decision and cannot get over the fact that Tina is no longer her friend. She cannot stop herself from commenting on anything Tina does with her other friends. Her other friends find this behaviour undesirable but Jane cannot stop herself.

These are clear examples of how unresolved conflicts can manifest in unhealthy ways.

Reactions

Just as in adults, some teens react to conflicts by not acknowledging that there is a problem on one hand and on the other, getting angry, exploding, screaming, shouting, yelling, throwing things, banging doors, cursing, rebelling, blaming others and holding on to grudges.

Other teens calmly accept that there is a problem and face the conflict and respond respectfully. They choose to discuss it the problem with the stakeholders in the problem and actively work towards finding a solution. They learn to forgive and forget and move on. They understand and ccept that conflicts are inevitable in life and teach themselves to face them with confidence.