A matter of adjustment

Before the arrival of a new baby, there is a feeling of excitement and joy in the family. Most parents generally make an effort to get their firstborn prepared for the new arrival by describing how much fun she will have with her new baby brother or sister. It appeals to the child's imagination to be told, "You can play with the baby and look after her." The reality of the baby's arrival is, however, very different.

Says Kate Boyle, a Dubai-based housewife, "I spent hours reading stories to Anna, and she helped me stick pictures on the baby's cot. But, in reality, none of this helped. She was angry and upset when she realised that the baby could sleep with me while she had to be in her own room. On the second day of Tim coming home, she wanted to flush him down the toilet."

In a letter to Friday, Mrs. Nadine expressed similar sentiments: "My son is two-and-a-half years old, and is very bothered by his baby brother who is now two months old. He sticks to me the whole time and wants my full attention. His sleeping habits have also changed. He wants me to stay next to him until he falls asleep. He wakes up many times in the night, calling me and asking for his bottle of milk. Can I move him to his own bed?" For mothers it can be very exhausting trying to juggle the demands of a new baby with the jealous and insecure feelings of the firstborn. Many toddlers begin to behave like infants. Just when you thought your firstborn had learnt how to use the potty, you find she
starts having more accidents than ever before.

Parents may rationalise that "now that our first child is three, he's ready for a little brother or sister" but nothing ever really prepares children for the emotional feelings when their position shifts from being the only child to firstborn. In her book, From One Child to Two (Fawcett, 1995), Judy Dunn points out that children's reactions vary with their
age, and parents can make the adjustment easier by preparing them better. Here is an age-by-age guide to what kind of reaction you can expect from your child.

Toddlers
Toddlers may ask for a baby brother or sister but are extremely attached to their mothers and feel intensely jealous when they pay attention to someone else. Expect a lot of jealousy and clinginess around this time. The earlier a mother tells her toddler about the coming of the new baby, the more time he will have to adjust to the news. She should make sure that he knows that she will be going to the hospital, but she should not expect him to be thrilled after the baby comes. Many toddlers regress in their behaviour. They see someone wearing a diaper, using a milk bottle and getting all the attention, so they want to be like that baby too.

For example, he may want to be bottle fed, and insist on sitting in his mother's lap. If a month ago he was pushing you away and saying, "I'm not a baby, Mummy", he may now say, "I want to sleep with Mummy" and insist on wearing a diaper too. He will be craving for your attention, so give him plenty of it.

Be tolerant and patient rather than irritated and angry. If he climbs into the baby cot, ask him, "Are you being a baby?" (he wants you to see him) and then tell him to come out. Toddlers know exactly when to complain and cling to their mothers: that's when the baby is being fed or has just been put to sleep. "The more I tell Minnie not to play loudly because the baby is sleeping, the more noise she'll make. And, if I tell her please don't wake the baby up, you can be sure she'll walk across and shake the baby up," says her mother, Anita Patel.

Toddlers have to be taught how to hug and kiss the baby gently because they don't fully realise the need to be gentle. They should be told just how much hugging a baby can take.

"It's like having two babies," says Jane Palmer, a resident of Abu Dhabi. "I thought having Josh would help to reduce Patrick's clingy behaviour, but just the opposite has happened. I find I am yelling at Patrick more than I did before." If you decide to have your second baby after a space of two or three years, it is physically exhausting because both the children will be dependent on you. Don't hesitate to ask for part-time help or beg friends or relatives to help out.

Pre-schoolers
Many mothers decide to wait till their first child starts school before having a second baby, hoping this may make it easier, but they should expect the demands for attention to continue. To some extent, it is easier to keep a pre-schooler occupied by sending her over to a friend's house to play, leaving her more time to spend with the new baby. However, her four-year-old child may dig her heels in and announce "I don't have any friends" or, "I hate Wendy and don't want to go to her house."

A lot of kids stop napping in the afternoons during this age, and this makes it harder for mothers to get a break. However, it is easy to get four-year-old children involved in helping out with the baby, and this can be fun.

Four-year-olds are also very aware that "something is growing inside Mummy's tummy". A mother will need to prepare her four-year-old in greater detail for the arrival of the baby.

Many pre-schoolers also have a very strong preference for a baby sister or brother, and the mother may want to gently keep reminding her child that "whether it is a boy or a girl, you will have to help him/her learn and play". She should encourage her toddler to help her buy clothes for the new baby, or decorate the room, or make pictures and cards. It is a good idea to let the teachers in school know about the new baby, so they can also help to deal with any 'acting out' behaviour by the elder child in the classroom.

After the baby comes, the mother should expect some jealousy from her pre-schooler. He may start sucking his thumb and insist on sleeping in her bed or want to drink milk from a bottle. "If you give in now and then, it's not the end of the world," advises Dr. Goldenthal, author of Beyond Sibling Rivalry (Henry Holt, 1999). "Know that it's normal, and allow it to run its course."

Five years and above
If the mother puts off having a baby till her first child is five or six years old, the blessing is that she can use words to explain her feelings of jealousy, fears, and love. This makes for easier communication, but she shouldn't be shocked if her firstborn describes her feelings in words that hurt her. For example, she may accuse her mother of not loving her any more, or tell her teachers that "my mother never gives me lunch because she has the baby to feed".

Sanju Gupta says, "I was horrified to know that Pankaj was making up all kinds of stories about how we treat him badly at home. I felt we were giving him far more attention than the baby, but he just isn't satisfied. He doesn't want me to even look at the baby after he comes home from school. Luckily, my husband has started spending more time with him and takes him to his office. If I ask him to visit a friend, he says, "Why are you trying to send me out of the house all the time?"

Six-year-old children tend to be over-sensitive and need lots of assurance that you still love them. They like to be involved in household chores and do well as Mummy's little helper. Zareen Hussaini, a Sharjah-based housewife, writes to Friday that "my daughter used to