Fasten your seatbelts, but recline responsibly

I love travelling. I love the excitement in the airport. I love the thrill of being in the air. I hate other passengers.

Okay, hate is a bit strong. It’s more of a rising frustration that seems to be growing with my years on this planet. As many of us travel, or get set to travel, to and from the UAE over the coming weeks, I’ve picked out my biggest annoyances (I’ve cut them down as the list was quite long). Apologies in advance for any offence caused but you started it.

Let’s start with the passenger who brings more hand luggage than a Himalayan sherpa. You’ll have seen them taking up all of the storage space while banging bags off people’s legs and heads. Yes, it costs more to get bags in the hold, but let’s all take on that burden together and not treat the overhead storage as a personal wardrobe.

Now there is the one who reclines the chair just as the food arrives. Food on airlines has come a long way from the days I was served bread on a British Airways flight that, if dropped, would have bounced off the floor and possibly smashed a window. Now it is a luxurious affair that is one of the highlights of the flight - until the person in front decides their space is more important than yours. Yes, lie back when the mood on the flight is relaxed and mellow, but make sure to get that posture perfect when the food trolley comes along.

Did you hear that? Yes, it’s the one who forgot headphones but still thinks YouTube is a good idea. I am showing my age here, but when did it become acceptable to play music/films/social media with volume on so everyone can hear it? This isn’t just an aeroplane thing. It’s happening everywhere. In the close, inescapable confines of a flight it all seems 10 times louder and 10 times more annoying.

A flight is a communal experience, which includes everyone arriving at the same time. Hold on, here comes the one who stands up as soon as the wheels touch the runway. Where are you going in such a rush? Do you have a special exit? I’ve been on many flights in my life and all standing up early does is make you susceptible to being whacked by too-many-bags man as he wrestles with his haul. Sit down. Relax. You’re not going anywhere until a door opens.

The young family is a challenge on any journey. I am solidly in this group and I apologise now. My children will probably annoy you by simply being children. They’ll laugh loudly, kick things they shouldn’t, argue and fight with each other, probably drop all sorts of things on the floor and maybe even ask you if ‘we’re nearly there yet’. However, I do make sure they have headphones and some manners.

Once off the plane, we have the baggage collection hogger. I believe they are closely related to the ‘stood-up-too-early passenger’. They seem to think that they can shape-shift into a luggage magnet, standing as close as possible to the belt to draw their bags to them (forgetting the dozens of other passengers trying to get a space). Proximity does not equal speed, my friend. We’re all playing the same lottery here.

And yet, despite all of this, I love travelling.

Perhaps it's because every journey promises something new. Maybe it's watching my two boys discover another country, another culture or another meal they'll say no to before demanding chicken nuggets or pizza.

Travel reminds us how wonderfully different the world is and, at the same time, how remarkably similar we all are. Wherever you go, someone is searching for a passport, someone is buying an overpriced sandwich, and someone is wondering why they packed three pairs of jeans for a beach holiday.

Living in Dubai gives us an extraordinary advantage. Much of the world is just a few hours away and we have the best airports on the planet. That's something worth appreciating, even if it involves a 4am alarm clock.

I hope everyone travelling has a fantastic journey to and from the UAE. It really is a special time with friends and family, packed full of memories and adventure.

If you see me on your flight, please do say hello and accept that I will be judging your actions. Oh, and sorry about the kids.