‘Be strong’ and 5 phrases parents may want to avoid with their children—and what to say instead

“Don’t cry…”

But I am? Now what?

Be calm. Be calm.

How can I? If I could, I would.And…be strong.

Be strong

How does one 'be strong' on command?

For adults, it is often said instinctively' an attempt at comfort in moments of distress. But if even grown-ups struggle to define what strength looks like in the middle of emotional pain, it is worth asking what it means for a child still learning how to make sense of their feelings.

Does 'being strong' mean stopping tears immediately, even when the hurt is still raw? Does it mean solving problems they do not yet understand? Or does it slowly teach them that some emotions are not allowed to be seen at all?

Such statements seem harmless. But they bring their own baggage of problems, as people like Dubai-based Anamika Jha, mum to three says. “By constantly telling children to be strong, you raise them with the belief that any sort of vulnerability should not be expressed. It’s wrong to be upset, cry, or show any emotions. And once that idea gets ingrained in them, they start perceiving others in a similar way and losing a sense of empathy,” she says.

As she says, she is currently experiencing this change with her younger daughter, who has heard the regular refrain to ‘be strong’, from other parents. “So, if she was scared, she hid it. She thought that we would appreciate her bravery. I’m trying to get her to change this, but it’s difficult,” adds Anamika. 

The truth is, phrases such as ‘be strong’ or ‘don’t cry’ aren’t inherently harmful. They come from a place of love as Sarah Maamari, Psychologist for Children, Adolescents, and Families at Sage Clinics explains. “Many adults say them because they want to comfort a child, help them cope, or encourage bravery," she explains.

The problem emerges when children start understanding these messages very literally. “They may begin to believe that sadness, fear, disappointment, or tears are things they should hide,” Maamari adds. 

They can unintentionally send a powerful message about emotions. From a developmental perspective, this matters, as children are still building foundations of emotional literacy. 

Dr Pik Ki Ho, explains further: When a child’s feelings are repeatedly dismissed or minimised, they are not just being comforted differently, they are being taught what is acceptable to feel. Over time, this leads to a narrowing of emotional expression. "Children may stop identifying what they feel altogether, or begin to disconnect from it. Instead of thinking ‘I feel sad because something hurt me,’  the internal narrative becomes ‘I should hide this feeling.’

Instead, they internalise the idea that strength is suppression, leading to confusion. In the long run, this can affect their emotional literacy, relationships, and coping strategies. This spills into the long-term consequences, where they gradually have reduced emotional awareness, and worse, don't seek help when they're in trouble. A difficulty begins to grow in forming secure relationships, and vulnerability is seen as weakness.

She emphasises that emotional intelligence is not about control through suppression, but awareness and regulation. “Being emotionally intelligent means being able to recognise, label, and regulate emotions in ways that do not invalidate them as something that should not happen.”

It’s hard to break away from what you have always known.

Tears seem alien.

Dubai-based Mouli Srivastav (name changed on request), recalls her own childhood, filled with such lessons. “My mother was the toughest woman I knew, and I grew up wanting to be like her. She didn’t believe in worrying excessively about problems, and was always looking for solution. If I was crying, she would tell me to snap out of it, and stop feeling sorry for myself.”

In theory, that was helpful, Srivastav admits. But, when it came to life’s disappointments and several painful heartbreaks, Srivastav admits that she had been allowed to cry more, instead, of always trying to pick up the pieces. “Even now, I feel awkward if I vent to my friends about something. My mother’s voice is always in my head.”

It reflects a broader developmental pattern. Emotional responses are begin forming much earlier, often in toddlerhood, as early as age two, when children experience strong emotions without the language to fully understand them.

As Dr Pik Ki Ho and Maamari explain: Children are highly sensitive to how adults respond in these moments. If their distress is met with discomfort and dismissed, or an urgent need to 'fix' the emotion, children can begin to interpret emotional expression as something that disrupts connection rather than strengthens it. Over time, they adapt.

Some children become outwardly calm and compliant while being weighed down by internal anxiety. Others express distress indirectly, through irritability, anger, withdrawal, or perfectionism.

The emotion does not evaporate. It still persists and compounds further, and everyday language reinforces the pattern.

Phrases like 'you’re fine,' 'stop being dramatic,' or 'it’s not a big deal' may seem harmless, but as Dr Pik Ki Ho notes, they can override a child’s own perception of their emotional reality, shaping how feelings are processed and understood.

This pattern can intensify in high-stress environments, Maamari explains. “In these environments, children may become very attuned to the emotional atmosphere around them and start holding their feelings in because they want to protect others, keep the peace, or stay ‘easy’ for the adults around them.”

When a child becomes upset, the emotional centres of the brain become highly activated, as Maamari explains. In that state, what they need most is not instruction or correction, but psychological safety, and co-regulation from an adult before they can begin to think clearly, reflect, or problem-solve.

Co-regulation refers to the way a calm adult helps a child’s nervous system settle by offering presence and emotional stability. Without this, the child’s stress response can intensify.

When a child’s feelings are dismissed or minimised, the nervous system often remains activated for longer. Some children escalate their emotional expression because they are still trying to communicate that they have not been understood. Others withdraw, becoming quiet or compliant on the surface while remaining overwhelmed internally.

Over time, repeated emotional dismissal can shape how the brain learns to process distress. Instead of working through feelings, a child may learn to suppress or conceal them in order to maintain connection or avoid discomfort in others.

As a result, this can make it harder for them to recognise emotions in real time, put feelings into words, and develop healthy coping strategies when challenges arise.

The long-term effects of repeated emotional minimisation are not always immediate, but they can surface later in adolescence and adulthood. As Maamari explains, children may grow into adults who struggle to identify what they feel, articulate needs, or seek support. Others may become highly self-reliant but emotionally guarded in close relationships.

“Over time, emotional suppression can contribute to anxiety, low mood, perfectionism, people-pleasing, anger difficulties, emotional numbness, and difficulty setting boundaries.”

These patterns often show up in relationships, where emotional closeness depends on openness and trust, two things that are harder to access when vulnerability has historically felt unsafe.

Dr Pik Ki Ho adds that suppressed emotions rarely disappear. They often re-emerge in other forms: Internal anxiety, behavioural outbursts, or emotional withdrawal.

Both experts agree that the alternative is not emotional excess, but emotional recognition.

First of all, children need to feel seen first, in order to feel regulated, explains Maamari. You start by naming emotions.  The shifts in language, such as acknowledging the feeling before addressing behaviour, can change the emotional trajectory of a moment. Saying something like ‘That was upsetting, wasn’t it?’ or ‘I can see this really hurt you’ helps children build vocabulary for their internal world.

Dr Pik Ki Ho similarly highlights the importance of co-regulation: The idea that children borrow calm from adults before they can self-regulate. When emotions are acknowledged rather than dismissed, the nervous system is more likely to settle.

Moreover, you need to set the boundaries too firmly, with emotional validation. For example, ‘It’s okay to feel angry. Hitting hurts people. I’ll help you find another way.’, adds Dr Maamari.  This helps the child understand that feelings are allowed, while behaviour still needs guidance. 

The idea is to raise children who can recognise their emotions, express them safely, recover from difficult moments, and know they have support when feelings feel too big to manage alone. 

Often intended as encouragement, but children may interpret it as a signal to suppress sadness or fear rather than express it.

Can unintentionally suggest that crying is unacceptable, leading children to hide emotions instead of learning to process them.

May dismiss a child’s lived emotional experience, making them feel misunderstood or invalidated in moments of distress.

Can shame emotional expression, teaching children that strong feelings are exaggerated or not acceptable.

Links emotions to gender expectations, which can discourage emotional openness and reinforce long-term suppression.