Not every trio is a White Lotus disaster: Why group dynamics are more complex than they seem

Goodness, the drama of White Lotus friendships, and the memes it stirred. Trios can't survive, Reddit said firmly. I, for one, almost agreed. As a child, I always wished for a trio of friends. It seemed so deeply personal and comforting that even a fourth person seemed excessive. At the age of ten, I found the first group of three and it felt like a world of our own. Somehow, jokes seemed funnier when it was just between the three of us; we loved laughing at things that no one else understood. Yet, within cracks began to appear, and the group broke away, cue fifth standard politics and what not.

For years, owing to my own lack of friendships in my teenage years, I admired the trios that I saw all around, yearning to be a part of one. And, in college I finally got my wish: We were ‘the three musketeers’ as everyone called us, for a good couple of years, only, because we ignored the fissures within our friendships. There was always insecurity and possessiveness, if two seemed closer than the others, leading to undertones of tension and desperation to please, and pacify. Gradually, we were all in different countries and we maintained a shaky status-quo, till it all collapsed.

A decade worth of suppressed hurt broke free.

On the side, another group of three that I had kept close to my heart, was fading away too.

So, my lesson in the grief of losing friends—these groups of three never seem to end well. Something always goes wrong, some fears tend to break free and poison it somehow.

But I have to ask, it only because, one is left out, and the other seem closer? Or, could it also be people themselves, weighed down by time and their own issues?

Well, both, actually.

Do trios never end well? 

We often fantasise about that perfect trio of friends. Jokes, love, loyalty through the years. Yet, pop culture isn’t the reality, or well until White Lotus came along, and brought on all the stress, complications and stress that come with a trio. Being caught in a trio can be a delicate balance, complicated by various emotional dynamics.

One struggle, is to please both sides. It’s a challenge that can quickly become a psychological tug-of-war, where you find yourself torn between two friends, trying to keep the peace and avoid conflict. This desire to please is not just about making sure no one is left out; it often stems from deeper fears of exclusion. As friendship counsellor Kristy Hale points out, “In a trio, there is often the fear of being left out. You see the other two pairing off, doing things without you, or one knowing something you don’t. Insecurity naturally resurfaces, and that can breed tension.”

Is it just a trio problem?

But that isn’t just because you’re in a trio—a lot is based on a person’s psychological makeup, argues Dubai-based Alisha Trehan, a corporate wellness mentor. 

While it's easy to blame the structure of the trio itself, she argues that the issue is rarely that simple. In fact, the challenges that arise in these groups often have less to do with the number of people involved and more to do with individual personalities and deeper emotional issues. So, is it the trio that's the problem?  Or is it the emotional complexity of the people within it? The answer may lie somewhere in between.

Trehan explains, “I feel it’s very reductive to bring it down to a trio problem. Friendships are a lot more complicated and nuanced than that, and these issues can surge if you’re in a group of four, five or more. For instance, if a person is already dealing with fear of abandonment, it doesn’t take much for them to feel that their friends are leaving them out of something.”

Furthermore, friendships can fracture for multiple reasons alone, rather than two people just ‘seeming closer’ than the other, says Trehan. “The problem with friendships of more than two people, is when people are forced to play mediator and choose sides. That’s where the thorn lies, because you fear sounding like you’re turning against the other—and then you do, just to placate one. That’s not necessarily a trio problem; it’s a deeper issue that stems from personal emotional patterns,” she says. It’s a stressful position to be in, creating more internal turmoil and self-doubt, as people start questioning their own loyalty. 

Moreover, people are complex, and while communication is often touted as the solution to resolving any relationship issue, the reality is that it's difficult for individuals to truly express what’s on their minds. As Trehan, explains, “It’s often easier to confide in one person from the group rather than addressing the issue directly with others. This creates an echo chamber of toxicity, whether you’re in a group of three or four.” 

She emphasises that the true issue lies in how friendships are approached. “The focus should be on recognisng who is actively participating, who might feel overlooked, and who is retreating into the background,” she says

When you’re the mediator and the problem

Dubai-based Allie Matyas, a sales professional admits she was once part of a very messy trio. “Yes, the three of us seemed like the best of friends to everyone else, and to be honest, we thought we were too. We did have the best times together. But, there were such issues between all of us—for instance, my friend had some problems with the other, and she would tell me about it. Similarly our third friend had issues too—and told me, too,” she says.

So did Matyas play mediator? “Well, I’ll be honest. In the beginning, I would just vent to each about my problems too—and agree, at most. And then obviously, that’s the worst way to go, because you’re just backstabbing everyone and not really ‘sharing’ anything. It was a mess, especially when fights started breaking out, and so I finally played mediator, admitting my own role in the chaos,” she says.

It’s not gender specific 

What frustrates both Trehan and Hale is the common belief that "friendship troubles" are predominantly a concern for women. “The conversation around female trios often gets oversimplified, reinforcing stereotypes that only women struggle with relationship issues, while men are perceived as always being easygoing and relaxed around each other,” Hale laughs.

From her own experience with clients, Hale notes that while men may not openly express the same fears of being "left out," they, too, face challenges in groups of three. “Friendships can become strained when one person feels pressure to keep up with the other two, leading them to do things they don’t want to do, all because of peer pressure or societal expectations,” she says.

As Hale explains, while friendship groups can bring joy and comfort, they can also be a double-edged sword. “It’s important to be attuned to everyone’s emotions and listen to what’s unsaid. While it’s natural to form closer bonds with one person, it's essential to keep the lines of communication open so the group dynamics don’t become unbalanced.”

Every friendship is unique. As Trehan advises, “When one friend feels left out because they can’t join in a certain activity, find something else they can enjoy. There’s a reason they’re part of your close circle, right? So build distinct, meaningful connections with each friend, so they know they have a solid place in your life.”