Manila: When I tested positive for COVID-19, I cried. “Why me?” I kept asking myself and wondered how it was possible? I took all the precautions, yet I got infected. “Why me? I never wanted to be a hero”, I told myself.
I thought of all my plans and dreams to fulfil, for me and my parents. I thank God that I never went home so my family was safe.
After a colleague was infected, I had to be tested. The results of the COVID-19 test took a week. For seven nights I couldn’t sleep. I just kept waiting. I was afraid to close my eyes, afraid of “what if I can’t breathe while everyone’s asleep?” So I slept only during the daytime.
Being a nurse for seven years and having seen first-hand the effects of coronavirus, I know how it goes. Mechanically ventilated patients are the hardest. I saw them fight for their lives.
In all of these years in this profession, my COVID-19 days have been the most emotionally exhausting because you deal with death and near-death of patients every day. The deterioration is fast and they have no one beside them but us. It is heart-breaking to make that phone call to tell somebody that their loved one has died.
And physically too, shifts are long and the meaning of ‘day and night’ became blurry. There is no awareness of time during emergencies. The person in front of us can be gone in a snap, so you must move fast.
Fear of infection
And we miss our families, too. But the fear that maybe tomorrow we might and will be COVID carriers deters us from going home. I opted to stay at work to save the community, too.
When the first local case arrived at our hospital and our ward was converted from surgical to a COVID ward, I wanted to resign out of fear. My impulse was to protect my family. My mum is also hypertensive. I wouldn’t have been able to pardon myself had my mum contracted the virus because of me. I was scared of choosing my profession over my family and ending up harming them more.
Most of my colleagues endured the same fears.
After I knew that I was a carrier of the dreaded virus, I didn’t tell my family. I live about 20km away from home. I didn’t want my mum and dad and other family members to worry about me because I knew they wouldn’t be able to do anything,
They would neither be allowed to come near me, nor leave the house. I just asked for prayers to keep me safe.
Isolated for 30 days
I was isolated for 30 days until I recovered. It was depressing, being alone and helpless. I couldn’t tell my family and my friends were busy working.
Being a nurse for the COVID-19 ward, I realised that when our patients had no one, they had us, we were their family; every patient recovery was our success. I feel proud being a vital part of this history.
I won’t return to action again. The fear and anxiety are so traumatic that I can’t sleep alone anymore. I’d go back as an educator though, I will devote my time training nurses so I could share my experience and lessons, too.
So, will I consider a change of profession? No. I will die as a nurse. I won’t have regrets.
- Bonita A. is a graduate nurse and undergoing post-graduate studies — Master of Arts in Nursing. She works and lives in Metro Manila, Philippines. (As told to Seyyed Llata, Senior Designer).
