Knowing when to call a halt

Pre-teens are at a stage when they want to assert their independence and chalk out their own values, but parents should tell them where their limits lie. My husband says I am not strict enough," says Seema Sayal, mother of a 13-year-old girl, Bina. "He thinks I should be more firm, but I don't want Bina to grow up afraid of us, if she starts telling us lies, that will be worse," she adds.

Seema is right about one thing: yelling at pre-teens and teenagers doesn't help much. However, if sound foundations have been laid in early childhood, Bina would have internalised some dos and don'ts which will automatically ensure that, even when her parents are not around, she will make the right choices.

With older children, it becomes harder to draw the line between 'red light' and 'orange light' behaviour (that which is proper and that which is not) especially since they seem to be growing up in a highly liberal environment where 'anything goes'. It is also important to keep faith in one's own ability as a parent and establish a partnership with your child. You can appreciate your child's point of view and let him win some battles. You can stand firm on other issues when it really counts. Let's take a look then at managing older children.

6 - 10 years
By the time a child is six years old, he has mastered basic independent skills and is ready to enter the world of school work, simple chores, and decision-making. During these years, the most frequent battles are usually over homework, television, and chores. Battles worth fighting are those which involve teaching him a sense of responsibility and good work habits.

Try to avoid battles over friends, food choices, or clothes. Encourage your child to set up a routine for homework and to help with chores such as setting the table, or cleaning up his room. Children, specially those between the ages of six and eight years, need frequent reminders to start their homework, but instead of yelling every five minutes, try a quiet reminder: "Let's get started on those spelling words or you'll be late for your swimming." If a ten-year old forgets to study for her history test, she'll need to suffer the consequences, even if that means failing. Don't protect your child by sending an "excuse-my-child-from-the-test" note to the teacher, just because you don't want her to get a bad grade on the report card. If you keep rescuing your child from the consequences of her mistakes, she'll never learn to accept responsibility when she's older.

10 –12 years
Child expert Ava Siegler in her book, The Essential Guide to the New Adolescence writes, "The key at this stage is to invite your child's cooperation by setting reasonable limits that she will accept rather than to provoke her defiance." Parents may sigh and say, "But this never works, because what is reasonable to my 12-year old is unacceptable to us!". Avoid picking battles over your child's friends as your criticism of them may increase his loyalty to them. Instead, make sure you expose your child to other families like your own, and plan outings and visits with their children. This provides a neutral balance.

Most battles at this age are over freedom and independence: "Why can't I stay up late to watch television?"; "Why can't I go to play videogames at the new mall?"; "All my friends wear make-up, why can't I?". Whichever way you choose to handle each of these situations, stress that along with freedom comes responsibility: "Call me when you reach the video arcade"; "Pocket money is not just for videogames" .

However, if arguments continue, maintain consistency, fall back on rules, and continue to do a balancing act. Like toddlers, preteens need to know their limits and even when they protest, remind them of these limits because that's what helps to keep them safe. Allow them to blame you for the curfew time ("My mother goes crazy if I'm not home by 10pm") because this lets them look cool in front of their friends.