Anger management in children

Anger is a natural but complex emotion that is experienced by all human beings. Like all emotions it serves a purpose, provides information to the self and helps us adapt to circumstances.

People feel angry when they experience a barrier to a goal and it provides the impetus to overcome that barrier. Eg. Wanting to sleep and being disturbed would make you angry which in turn would push you to get rid of the disturbance. ]

Anger is also experienced when you perceive a challenge to what you think “should” exist and it gives you the impulse to remove that challenge. Like when you receive unfair treatment or you expect respect and are insulted. It tells you when your boundaries are being crossed, so you can protect yourself.

The aim of socialization therefore is not to eliminate anger altogether but to learn to regulate it and express it in appropriate ways to try and reach your goal. 

Understanding anger in kids

Children can differ in their expression of anger due to many reasons such as age, temperament, maltreatment, genetics, exposure to violence on tv and videogames, environment, adult role models and family circumstances to name a few. However, neither exploding with anger nor suppressing it are good strategies.

Hostility is known to be a predictor of cardiovascular disease and other ailments while suppressing emotions can lead to less positive feelings overall and decrease in social functioning.

We do not want our children to deny their anger nor become verbally and physically aggressive. We simply want them to self-regulate, to pursue what they want within limits and to express themselves appropriately.

In order to regulate their anger, children need to be able to distract themselves from what is making them angry. For this, they need to have control over their attention so they can purposefully shift their focus and this ability does not emerge till about 3 years of age.

We also know that some of the biggest factors for irritability for children are hunger and fatigue. So, for infants and toddlers, the best strategy might be to anticipate their needs, keep them well fed and sufficiently rested and to avoid situations that overwhelm them.

Also, just because they can’t distract themselves, doesn’t mean you can’t do it for them. So, use a toy, a song, a sign on the street, a novel item in the grocery store and an excited tone and pitch and most times they can forget about what made them angry. 

Articulating anger in an acceptable way

As children move from toddlerhood to preschool age, they have more control over their bodies and their environment, language is developing and they are exploring their world which includes testing the limits of the people around them and thus the advent of the ‘terrible twos’ and tantrums.

However, alongside they are gaining the ability to control their attention. Now, is the time that you can start showing them that it is okay to be angry about something e.g. a child snatching his/her toy, but not alright to express their anger in inappropriate ways e.g. hitting.

Describe an alternative way of reacting e.g verbally asking for the toy to be returned or engaging an adult. By doing this you validate their feelings but not their behavior while giving them the tools to appropriately respond to their anger.

Children around this age can get frustrated because they cannot effectively communicate what they want and when they go into a tantrum they also momentarily lose the ability to process what you are saying.

So keep it simple, set the limit and give the consequences and wait to explain appropriate behavior when they are calmer. The problem here is that their behavior often elicits embarrassment and anger in the adults and consequent negative attention e.g. shouting at them, only reinforces their bad behavior.

So, start practicing what you would like your children to learn, breathe deeply, distract yourself for a few moments or walk away for a bit to calm yourself as this will equip you with dealing with the situation in a more effective manner. 

Calming strategies

For grade school years and beyond, continue to model calmness to your children and practice “I” statements. “I am feeling angry right now because people keep cutting me off in traffic”, “I need to go for a walk to calm down”.

Do some deep breathing exercises or put your smartphone to good use and play a game to distract yourself and then state, “I was feeling irritated because I saw your room is still dirty.

Please take some time to clean it”. Let your children see these strategies and brainstorm with them about how they can calm themselves; for some it might be shooting hoops, for others listening to music etc. Help them identify and name different feelings e.g. feeling irritated, agitated, mad, upset etc. and detect the early warning signs of anger e.g. feeling flushed, closed fists etc. so they can understand their emotions and take preemptive steps.

Punishing, shaming and being passive aggressive about your children’s behavior only alienates them and makes them distrustful of you. As parents and educators we all fly off the handle at times. We are not perfect – so be kind to yourself, acknowledge the shortfall and get back to using a calmer more effective approach. Show your children the same compassion as they learn to get a grip on their anger because, like tying shoelaces it is a skill that takes time and practice.

Aamnah Husain is the Psychologist and Parenting Expert to Fun City