Mum, the teacher: Child in the same school? Pressures, pain and tough lessons that stay

Oh look, there’s your mum!

When I shifted to the school where my mother taught as an English teacher, I thought life would be a breeze. Forgot to get something signed? Run down to mum in the staff room and get it done, even if you have a mother glaring back at you, muttering, “Couldn’t you have done this at home?”

Of course, when is life ever that utopian? I confided in her as a mother about bullies at home and people that I didn’t like, she reacted as a teacher in school. Her protective hostility seeped into the interactions.  I sank deep into embarrassment and as adolescence is such a gloriously knotted phase where you aren’t blessed with emotional maturity, I shut down and didn’t tell her anything later. Worse, I was the daughter of an English teacher, so if by chance I ever did well in an English test, it would be said with scorn, ‘Well, obviously’.

Children talk. People talk. And it all hurts, confusing judgment for everyone—adolescents and parents alike.

Yet, my mother wasn’t the only one who struggled with being a parent and teacher, others didn’t make it easy for her too. I failed a physics lab test, and the teacher told her solemnly, “She can never pursue science. She is terrible at it.” It hurt my mother unbearably, and the bus ride home was morose and tearful.

Those school years were a tangled mess of academic failures, battered teenage friendships, all heightened by my mother’s presence, as a teacher and a parent. All boundaries had blurred to the point of invisibility; she was looking out for me as a mother and her colleagues confided in her about me as a friend.

Looking back, I have a series of ‘I wish…’ moments, often. Maybe if I hadn’t told her about bullies, maybe if teachers didn’t confide in her about my marks, maybe if she wasn’t considered a strict teacher and feared by many…would I look back at high school with a different emotion?

Well, we’ll just drown in our maybes and what-ifs, but there’s never an answer, unless you possess a time capsule. It’s a familiar dilemma for mothers who teach — your child is always your child, no matter where you are.  You only want the best for them. And the children, can only reflect in reverse. "If only...."

The parent-teacher divide  

Single mum Noorie (name changed on request), based in Dubai thought she had done the right thing when she enrolled her child in the same school.  This arduous learning process compels her to take stock of her most primitive maternal instincts, first. “How do I handle it when my daughter cries, if a teacher was a little too harsh in school? As a parent, it does break my heart to see her say that she doesn’t want to go to school again. ‘Ma, the teacher hates me, I cannot be in the same class again’. That teacher sits with me in the same staffroom. My first instinct was to reprimand her, and say that’s not the way to talk to a child,” recalls Noorie.

Noorie explains that she was disturbed and distracted for several days, despite managing to encourage her daughter to be in school. “My behaviour towards the teacher was turning personal, I noticed. And I finally, after taking advice from others, had a round of discussions with her. It was unpleasant, of course, but I was determined to  keep it professional. I could have been better, but I also could have been worse,” laughs Noorie.

The emotional tug-of-war

Molly Hopper, a school counsellor with over 20 years of experience, says this tension is more common than people admit. “Parents often promise they’ll maintain boundaries and not interfere,” she says. “But we’re all human. When something affects your child, your instinct is to jump in and fix it.”

Yet, that intervention can backfire. “Especially during adolescence, children fear being singled out. They don’t want their parent to behave like a teacher — they want a safe, neutral space,” Hopper explains. “At the same time, they’re frustrated when nothing changes. You end up in an emotional tug-of-war, where every move feels like it could either help or harm.”

The parent textbook versus the teacher's rules

It is painful all around. The parents are in a state of flux and helplessness, especially in the cases of bullying, connected to teachers or children: They want to solve it like a parent, but they need to behave like a teacher. The parent textbook is at odds with the teacher’s rules of decorum. “Understandably, it is so difficult in that situation, which causes everyone to act out at that time, both parents and children,” says Hopper.

There are no clear-cut rules for such an emotionally layered and complicated situation, you can figure out as you go along. As Dubai-based Madeline Greene, a mother of two, who teaches in the same school where her daughter studies, says it’s a minefield. “But after three years, I think I’ve understood at least some of it,” she says.

A few suggestions…

First, take a deep breath. Allow yourself to feel these complicated emotions, explains Charlotte Wilson, a Dubai-based psychologist. “Focus on yourself and your child first, and see what the issue is. Forget the school environment for a second: Look at what’s causing the problem. Teacher upset them? Poor academics, and teachers are blaming you, or confiding in you, and are you overwhelmed by that? Or, did they misbehave in class, and you feel an instinct to support them or punish them, to be seen as a good parent in front of everyone else?”

Wilson advises, “It’s completely normal to be influenced by what others think—people will keep offering suggestions and advice. But your first priority should be to calm yourself and create a safe space for your child, no matter the situation. That’s crucial, because children absorb your emotional responses. They also need to know that you’re their parent first, not their teacher.”

So for instance, if your child is struggling in class or exhibits behaviour that requires discipline, handling it can feel more personal. “Talk, discuss with them, about why it happened: Don’t get triggered into reacting immediately, be it overcompensating out of guilt or treating them too harshly.” So, try talking to the child’s teachers, and involve them in the resolution of issues.  “You need to work on centering yourself first, before approaching such discussions in the professional sphere,” advises Wilson.

Strategies that help

And to more concrete ideas, when enrolling your child in school, encourage their own independence by allowing them the space to manage their own responsibilities. “Support from the sidelines, but don’t keep trying to help them at every step,” she explains.

Wilson also warns: Be prepared for transitions. Adolescents are in the phase of trying to carve out their own space. So, if they do shun you in school, just let them be, even if it stings and upsets you. “Every child goes through the phase when they are convinced they’re too cool for their parents. Allow them that belief, we’ve all felt that too,” she laughs.