Most etiquette experts (though not all) insist the best way to say thank you is the same way famous manners expert Emily Post would have years ago: With pen and paper.
For those with long lists of people to thank — such as the season's crop of graduates and newly-weds — the practice of writing a note, addressing an envelope, affixing a stamp and finding a mailbox seems as antiquated as driving a Model T — and so much more cumbersome than e-mail, instant messaging or texting.
Personal touch
Experts say a handwritten note adds a personal touch that electronic messages cannot match.
Thomas P. Farley, a manners and lifestyle expert in New York and editor of Modern Manners: The Thinking Person's Guide to Social Graces, says the old-fashioned quality of a handwritten note is “part of its charm. It has got your handwriting on it.
"It's a piece of paper you have actually touched. It feels like a part of them that they are sharing.''
A good thank-you note is a “keepsake'' that you might hang on your refrigerator for a few days or weeks, says Lizzie Post, spokesperson for the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vermont.
“Did you ever print out an email and put it on your fridge?'' she asks.
William Hanson, Britain's 19-year-old expert on etiquette, writes in an e-mail that if a relative has attended your graduation, “e-mails are too informal to express sincere thanks. Using an informal medium to thank someone is demoralising and plain rude.''
While most etiquette experts are unflinching about the need for handwritten notes, Rachel Weingarten, the author of Career and Corporate Cool, says that, in general, recipients should reflect the tone of the event in their thank-you note.
So if the event involved an engraved invitation with calligraphy, you want a more formal handwritten note.
However, she says, for some events, a well-written email is OK. There is also an argument that it is more environmentally sound, although Weingarten acknowledges that this argument might be “laziness masked as something else''.
Phone-friendly words
An older relative who enjoys talking on the phone might really appreciate a phone call instead of a note, Weingarten says, “but don't sound like you're dying to get off the line''.
The laziest thank you Weingarten has heard of was from the granddaughter who wrote “Thank you, Nana'' as she endorsed the back of her grandmother's cheque.
“Had I been her grandmother, she would have been out of the will,'' Weingarten says. “Her mother thought it was so industrious.''
In general, Weingarten said, a wedding is “an old-fashioned institution'' and, therefore, merits an old-fashioned handwritten thank-you note.
Tips to say those magical words
- Lifestyle expert Thomas P. Farley suggests buying notecards in advance so you can start writing them right away.
- Lizzie Post says all you need in a thank you are three good sentences, beginning with a line saying: “It was so lovely to see you.'' The gift should be mentioned, with a line about how you will use it.
- If the gift is a cheque, don't refer to the amount in your note. Just thank the givers for their “generous gift'' and add a line about how you might put it to use.
- If you absolutely can't get a written thank-you note into the mail, then do what you can. Farley says phone calls trump an email, unless the email is “gorgeously'' written. But the phone call should be substantial — at least a ten-minute conversation.
- If you feel the need to thank someone immediately, send an email or make a phone call, most experts say, but follow up with a handwritten note.
Readers say:
A small handwritten note has a magical impact, as it is tangible and conveys that someone cares.
— Viji, Dubai
I insist on students writing by hand. I always follow Mahatma Gandhi's view: “Bad handwriting shows an imperfect education.''
– Agniyah, Sharjah
I still love writing special notes. For me it makes the thought more personal and special because of the time you'vetaken to write it.
– Lauren , Umm Al Quwain
Emails are quick and effective, but when you want to put a little love on a message, it's always best to go back to the old ways.
– Ana, Dubai
A hand written note definitely adds more value to any communication. It brings a wider smile and more joy than a boring e-card.
– Edwina, Dubai
At times when my kid, aged 11, knows she has made a mistake, she will write a sorry note and give it to me. It brings tears to my eyes.
– Naina, Sharjah
