The life of the 'hus-been' notes to self

"Oh, you mean ‘him indoors'?" laughs the woman, her feet clad in Rupert Sanderson court shoes. The other wives cackle along, gathering around the window and peering inside at the object of derision: a man slumped in a chair in the sitting room, nursing a Diet Coke. In addition to "him indoors", he is known as "the designated driver" and even "the missus" but never what he is: the Hus-been. That would be brutal.

These men are everywhere: pushing IVF tractor prams through the park while the wife is at Yogilates; walking three steps behind her and bag-laden from Waitrose to the car; and being given "curtain lectures" — Hus-been lingo for "being pulled aside by the wife" at parties. They stand outside the ladies lavatories at charity galas and sit mutely beside her at PTA meetings.

Ring in the change

Bill Prince, GQ deputy editor, the man who coined the phrase, says: "The Hus-been is the man for whom those wedding bells have well and truly tolled, a man who mistook his independence for handing in all of his individuality."

"These days parties are full of them," says Peter York, co-author of The Sloane Ranger Handbook. "You'll be talking to the glamorous wife and trying desperately to remember the husband's name."

Never before has it been deemed socially acceptable for women to flaunt their superiority and publicly jeer at the men they have chosen to spend their lives with, says Mike Buchanan, author of The Marriage Delusion: The Fraud of the Rings?. "Women have always manipulated men on an individual level but doing it on a social level is a new thing."

"Women used to get their own way, covertly, Jane Austen-style," says writer Mary Killen, "but the Hus-been is something else entirely: it's about these dragons behaving like men, while the men are becoming feminised."

Narcissistic breed

Clinical psychologist Oliver James blames the rise of the Hus-been on the cult of narcissism. "There used to be a stigma against women being wildly self-aggrandising; in the past, it was always men. But women are overtly narcissistic, drawing attention to themselves in the way that men do. This breed is selfish and power-obsessed."

These alpha females are not so much characterised by their jobs (although they will predominantly work in TV, banking, publishing, journalism and fashion) as by how busy they are. "They're head of every charity committee," says Rachel Johnson, editor of The Lady, "involved in every school activity and invariably the ones to organise parties and lunches.

"They know how to change tyres, sharpen knives and do all the things men used to exist for, thereby prompting their men to slump into a jelly-like paralysis," she adds.

Happily, the Hus-been is not entirely emasculated. Hus-beens can be the principal money-earners or the most apparently influential member of the couple (take Sarkozy and the woman governing France, Carla Bruni; Hillary and Bill Clinton; or David Cameron and the stealth brand that is Sam Cam), and can, in fact, be very much adored by their wives — just look at Sir Denis Thatcher, who in the rare interviews he gave would refer to his wife as "the boss"; or the Queen and her blooper-prone royal Hus-been, the Duke of Edinburgh.

Meet Mister Popular

Do not pity the Hus-been, says philosopher Alain de Botton. "Ever since pure brawn (the ability to chop trees) stopped being an absolute necessity, thanks to the invention of machines, it was inevitable we would get here," he says. But the Hus-been is able to secure status in a way traditionally open only to women: not on the basis of how effective he is in the workplace but how good he is at cheering, soothing, satisfying and calming. "To have been chosen by a successful woman says much more about one's personality, talents and virtues — and because of that, he will never be short of female attention." This new breed of men should stand proud, insists Peter York. "Lead with your chins and acknowledge your Hus-been-ness — revel in it, even — and people will think you're modern. Some of them might even remember your name," he says.

— The Telegraph Group Limited, London 2010

Famous ladies and their loving hus-beens

Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban

Heidi Klum and Seal

Marge Simpson (the blue hair steals the show!) and Homer Simpson

Michelle Obama and Barack Obama