Suresh Menon: 'Sorry' is the easiest word

When did ladies' handbags become weapons of mass destruction? It was my mass that was sought to be destroyed the other day when one of them (lady) swung one of them (handbag) into my midriff before carrying on cheerily with a casual, ‘Sorry'.

This column is not about the lady or the handbag, but about that five-letter word. Sorry seems to be the hardest word, sang Elton John many years ago; he was wrong. It is the easiest word, distributed with a smile and a wave of the hand by people who ought to know better. Sorry, that's my opinion.

You are playing tennis when your opponent drills the ball into you and walks away with a ‘Sorry' that barely conceals a smile. This won't do. We accept these sorrys (or is that sorries? Sorry, I don't know) too easily. The true sorry should involve much grovelling, strategic bowing and begging forgiveness and a bent knee or two. A non-grovelling apology is no apology. It is like Macbeth without the three witches or Jaws without the shark.

Remember the movie A Fish Called Wanda, and the scene where Kevin Kline dangles John Cleese out of a window and asks, "You're really sorry"? Cleese's response ought to be the starting point for any decent apology. He says, "I apologise unreservedly. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future."

I would have liked the handbag lady to say, "I apologise unreservedly. Or reservedly, if you prefer that. I am less than the dust beneath your feet, the dirt beneath your nails, the jam between your toes. And (going down on one knee), I am willing to make restitution in any manner you deem fit. Sorry, sorry, sorry...." And that's just to get started. It is always possible to tell a genuine grovel from a fake one.

In recent years, nations have been apologising for historical wrong-doings. It is a popular pastime for heads of governments and writers of editorials who believe that a mere ‘Sorry' will make up for centuries of ill-doing. Perhaps my handbag lady was inspired by this. After all, when a country says sorry a couple of centuries after imprisoning and torturing citizens of another country or stealing a valuable stone or whatever, what is a casual contact with a handbag worth? Perhaps she expected me to apologise for getting in the way of her bag?