Don't force your kids to 'say sorry', teach them real accountability instead

Say sorry!

But why? All you did was throw a couple of glasses from the balcony for fun. What’s wrong with that?

Dubai-based Aditi Singh, a homemaker, chuckles over the memory. “I was six, and the naughtiest child at home. And after everything that I did, from painting walls and scribbling on the floor, my mother would just tell me to say sorry. And I did, and then I would do the same thing again,” she says.

But saying sorry became more of a ritual than a lesson. The next day, she'd colour the bedspreads and apologise again, showing how children often repeat behaviour when they don’t fully grasp the meaning of an apology."

As she explains, a child doesn’t really know what an apology is. It sounds like a grand word. But what does it mean? And the truth is, they won’t really understand it, if they’re forced to apologise, explains Elena Gaga, a clinical psychologist at the Hummingbird Clinic. “Teaching kids to apologise boosts their sense of compassion and strengthens conflict resolution skills. However, the difficulty lies when parents attempt to force kids to apologise.”

Forcing an apology comes across as insincere. The goal should be to understand why their behaviour hurt someone rather than forcing the apology, as children may then focus on avoiding punishment or just ‘getting it over’ with.

To be fair, it comes naturally to parents, to tell the child to apologise. But, the truth is, often the child’s apology comes from a space of compliance than understanding why exactly they’re wrong. As Dubai-based Elena Gaga, a clinical psychologist at the Hummingbird Clinic explains, when a child is forced to apologise without genuinely feeling sorry, it somehow impacts their emotional world. “It can reinforce the belief that ‘saying the right words’ matters more than understanding or repairing conflict. This can often lead to people – pleasing tendencies later in adulthood,” adds Gaga.

And so, people start associating apologies with social obligation, rather than actual genuine emotional connection. Moreover, the child feels more resentful that they’re being compelled to apologise, which robs them the opportunity for self-reflection.

This pressured apology comes in the way of actual empathy and understanding. “When a child is forced to say sorry, their apology becomes mere rote compliance rather than a sincere expression of remorse,” explains Mercedes Sheen, Head of Psychology Department, School of Social Sciences, Heriot-Watt University Dubai. “This diminishes the real meaning of apologies, impede emotional growth as children focus more on avoiding punishment or conflict, rather than understanding the effects of their actions on other people.

The child feels ashamed.

And shame, as we know, shuts a child down, making them withdraw, lie or defect blame as Gaga explains. “It is therefore more likely for the child to feel wrongly accused, misunderstood or start lying, to avoid being caught."

And sometimes, they internalise guilt as a negative label. They feel unfairly treated, and as both Gaga and Sheen explain, this apology becomes disconnected from genuine remorse and may result in defiance or emotional withdrawal instead.

It’s something that Abu Dhabi-based Neelima Chaudhary, a single mum of two learnt. There was no point scolding the children brutally and demanding an apology. “I would just sit them down, and tell them what they did was wrong. I explained who got hurt by their actions and slowly they understood and genuinely made apologies, when they sensed disappointment from me,” she says.

The signs are there, you just have to sharpen your observation skills. “Children tend to show signs of empathy and begin to see the other person’s perspective, which is fundamental for an apology,” says Gaga. They will ask questions about the other person, and what they can do to help. “They are also willing to acknowledge their own role in the situation, even if they do not fully understand the emotions involved.”

Moreover, they appear regulated. If you notice signs of anger, shame or feeling overwhelmed, chances are that they are not ready to apologise. A good strategy would be to focus on soothing them and then wait until they come out of ‘fight or flight response’ to initiate the repair of the relationship.

They will show regret, understand how the other person feels, and want to make things right. “This level of readiness depends on the child's age and emotional development, and adults can help by having patient conversations instead of pushing for an immediate apology,” adds Sheen.

As both the experts explain: Helping a child learn to apologise isn't just about teaching manners, it's about guiding them to understand the impact of their actions and how to make meaningful repairs. The idea is to foster connection and understanding, not to punish or force a performance. The first and most important step is emotion regulation. A child cannot reflect on their actions when they’re overwhelmed.

Once they’re calm, shift from punishment to curiosity. Ask guiding questions like, ‘What do you think was going on for your friend?’ or ‘What do you think you could do to help make things better?’ This opens the door to empathy and accountability in a developmentally supportive way.

Key steps for guiding a child toward a genuine apology:

Children learn best from what happens around them. As parents are the ones closest to them, they can model healthy apologies by demonstrating humility, accountability, and empathy. Instead of offering vague or dismissive apologies, be specific and sincere, for example, ‘I’m sorry I raised my voice at you earlier when we were running late. That was wrong.’ Your tone and body language matter, too; a heartfelt apology is more powerful than words alone.

·         Be specific and honest: Name the action and acknowledge it clearly.

·         Use calm, respectful tone and body language: This shows sincerity.

·         Avoid defensiveness: Own the mistake without shifting blame.

·         Explain how you’ll make it right: Demonstrates responsibility and sets an example of maturity.