Is it time for you to apologise to your child? How 'I'm sorry' can heal old childhood wounds

Some of us grow up with the belief that our parents are infallible. If they reprimand, it’s for our benefit. If there’s a misunderstanding, it's because we could have explained ourselves better. We carve a virtually indestructible image of our parents in childhood, creating an unquestioning distance from which we venerate them.

Apologies don’t fit into this narrative. To apologise would mean they were wrong—and in childhood, wrong is something other people are, not those we love.  And when we grow older, we begin to acknowledge the frailties and poke holes in our own myth.

Perhaps, it’s for those exact reasons, why children need to hear the words ‘I’m sorry’ from their parents, for them to realise that they make mistakes too. They’re human after all. Otherwise, the gradual realisation as they grow older could breed disillusion, disappointment or even hurt.

Maybe, even anger too, as Dubai-based Rachel Windsor (name changed on request), a homemaker still occasionally feels. Sharing her own story, she remembers how she harboured a belief that nothing was ever her parents’ fault. “I think, my elder brother, who was more brazen, tried pointing out a mistake they had made, and the turnaround reply was to remind him about his past errors,” she says.

And so, for several years, she believed that her parents couldn’t, or rather shouldn’t be held accountable for anything.  “In my later years, when I reflected on the past, I remembered so many incidents where they should have said sorry, especially one where they forgot to pick me up from school and I was so terrified that I spent an hour crying, not knowing what to do.”  For a six-year-old, she was struck by panic and fear, not knowing what to do or where to go. Everything seemed rather intimidating and unfamiliar, till her parents showed up, two hours later without an explanation.

Sometimes, wordlessness leaves invisible scars, too.

An apology is not an ego matter; it’s just a matter of letting your child know that everyone makes mistakes and owning up to it.

Learning by example

Children, younger ones, especially are quite impressionable. They imbibe verbal and non-verbal cues, and quickly read between the lines, slowly absorbing it all into their own personality, mannerisms and behavioural patterns. As Victoria Lauren, a child psychologist based in Dubai explains, “So, when you apologise, you teach them something invaluable. You are also showing them how to take accountability, express remorse, ask for forgiveness and manage conflict. You set the stage for them to navigate difficult situations in a level-headed manner,” she says.

Moreover, when you apologise, there shouldn’t be any ‘buts’ or ‘what-ifs’. If you see that you have hurt them or done something wrong, acknowledge and apologise. “Quite often, parents unknowingly see themselves in a position of power,” adds Lauren. “So, rather than apologising directly, which they feel is unecessary for a child, they will unintentionally gaslight the child by reminding them about their own flaws. This fractures a child’s self-esteem, as they fear even pointing out any form of error to their parents, because they fear something unpleasant coming their way.”

So, if your child sees that even adults can admit their faults and learn from them, they’ll be more likely to approach their own mistakes with the same open-mindedness.

A stronger relationship

An apology isn't just about admitting wrong, it’s about healing a child’s hurt. When you take the time to acknowledge a mistake, you show your child that their feelings matter, adds Lauren. By saying ‘I’m sorry’ and meaning it, you're validating their emotions and reinforcing that they are worthy of respect. Don’t expect the child to just ‘know’ that you’re feeling sorry; they need to hear it from you too. Lauren adds, “I’ve seen parents apologise to their children, years later, for incidents in their childhood. It’s admirable and does heal a little, but perhaps rather than waiting for so long and risk your child distancing themselves from you, have honest conversations with them. Ask what hurt them, and how you can make them feel better, too.

Apologising can also serve as a teaching moment in vulnerability. It shows your child that it's fine to be imperfect, which makes them feel safe to open up and be honest with you in return.

'One apology might make a difference'

And sometimes, even if things were particularly dysfunctional in  childhood, that one apology might make all the difference. Even if it doesn’t magically fix a relationship, the hardened hurt gathered over the years still softens, slightly.

Dubai-based Patty, a sales professional couldn’t quite forgive her mother who had held her responsible for the breakdown of her marriage with her husband. The wounds still sting, but her mother’s apology did help. A little. As she says, “I knew she wanted to apologise back then itself, but none of her actions or words showed it. And years went by, and my hostility, later indifference just increased towards her.”

As the years go by, apologies become harder to offer. And when they’re finally offered, it might have no meaning.

Perhaps it's better to make things right in childhood itself.

Breaking the cycle of perfectionism and authority

Some parents worry that their child will see them as less than perfect. They put enormous strain on themselves to work towards this idea of polished perfectionism, rather than letting the child see them, as they are. “It’s a myth that parents must be perfect to set a good example,” says Amy Silver, a child psychologist, based in Dubai. “But the truth is, perfection is unattainable. When parents constantly hold themselves to unrealistic standards, they may create a tense, high-pressure environment where children feel that they, too, must be flawless. But when you openly admit your mistakes, you are showing your child that they don’t have to be perfect either.”

It reduces the pressure that children might feel, to live up to impossible expectations. By normalising imperfection, you allow them to embrace their flaws and learn from them.