Live action is the last resort of the TV fan

Sport is serious business, but watching sport should not be. Television, far from bringing families together, often tears them apart. At least two couples I know separated after a World Cup tournament, although for two different reasons. In one case, the wife was shocked at the discovery that her husband could - in such cavalier manner - call for the referee's head and describe in such detail what he would do to his liver, pancreas and other body parts for a decision he didn't agree with.

"I didn't realise there was so much cruelty lurking in him," she told me later. "Sweet nothings on the one hand, and human sacrifices on the other? I am lucky I discovered this early in our marriage."

How do you tell someone who doesn't understand the aesthetics of sport-watching that the fantasy of referee-disembowelling is one that sustains supporters of losing teams? The most important sporting quote of all time is the response of the loser - "We wuz robbed" - and there is no room for truth or fact-checking here.

In the case of the other couple, it was overspending that caused the rift. Not that the husband went out and bought a football team he could ill afford. It was just that, irritated by inane questions on the action on television, the husband said to his wife, "Why don't you leave me alone and go out and buy some jewellery or something?" She bought the jewellery on a daily basis, and then left him alone, thus fulfilling both his wishes.

Some of the worst people to watch cricket with are former internationals who will tell you what they did, what they would have done, and how everybody is making too much money these days.

Then there is your garden-variety know-all, who has read all the statistics but can't distinguish between a right-hander and a left-hander. He is occasionally distracted by a figure in the crowd, and wants you to know that he is an expert on both the game and the fashion house that supplied the shoes to the spectator in the third row who looks as if he were tagged onto the picture as an afterthought.

Only slightly worse is the ignoramus who will constantly interrupt to ask you the kind of questions a third-grader would be embarrassed to ask. If you ignore him, he will proceed to explain to you, in great detail, his take on these subjects. What he lacks in knowledge he makes up in volubility.

Sometimes there is only one way to avoid both these types. You will haveto watch the game live at the stadium. Live action is the last resort of the television fan.