Former rugby star helps tackle depression

"I've been to hell and I'm back. If you're in that same place, then I understand what you're going through." So begins John Kirwan's autobiography All Blacks Don't Cry. Kirwan is considered one of New Zealand's most successful rugby players of all time, yet depression almost claimed his life.

He was one of the greatest players world rugby had ever seen; a prominent and revered figure at the dawn of the professional age of rugby, Kirwan appears on the list of the highest try scorers in Rugby Union history.

Then at the height of his career tragedy struck. "I had been having a lot of anxiety attacks, which I ignored, and that was a mistake," he says.

"It may have been the pressures of coping [with the constant demand to succeed]... I can't pinpoint how and when it all started. Soon things got so bad that I woke up one morning and didn't really know who was looking back at me in the mirror. I had fallen into a very intense clinical depression."

It became so bad that Kirwan started having wild mood swings that even led to thoughts of violence. "The deep messed-up thoughts - that I was going to do real harm to somebody - had become completely real to me, and I was in bed physically shaking and sweating and continually crying," he writes in his book.

The depression was like a stranglehold and he fought it with all the energy that was left in him. His motivation for his book was to explain what happened to him and, hopefully, help other sufferers "get better a lot quicker".

Kirwan did not allow his personal battle to push him out of the professional field. It merely encouraged him to become an ambassador for mental health and depression-awareness campaigns in New Zealand - for which he was honoured with the Officer of the New Zealand Order of Merit (ONZM).

From his dramatic first-class debut and subsequent high-profile career with the national team, the All Blacks, to his extensive work with mental health awareness, Kirwan has become a household name and respected ambassador of New Zealand and his sport.

He now divides his time between Italy and Japan. He lives with his wife and children in Italy, and works as coach of the National Rugby Union team of Japan, also known as the Cherry Blossoms. When I spoke to him in Italy, he sounded like at man at peace with himself. 

Work

I have never worked a day in my life. It [playing professional rugby, and later coaching] doesn't feel like work at all. I always tell my children to get an education and try to do something they love so they can get up in the morning and just love going to work.

Rugby was my ticket to the great big beyond. I was a normal New Zealand boy, brought up in South Auckland, which is a rough urban area. My dad was a butcher and my mom was a housewife, and we had a medium standard of living - neither rich nor poor. I went to a school called De La Salle, which was a school that had very rough students at that time. However, we got a very good headmaster who cleaned up the school. I grew up among the minority Maoris so I had a strong cultural upbringing, which I feel was fantastic.

My love for rugby was formed through those years. I always wanted to be a rugby player; my grandfather had been a rugby player too and this of course influenced me. I played all kinds of sport - football, softball, surfing, but rugby was my real passion.

My parents always taught me to follow my dreams and believe in them, and that's what I did. That's why I left school at a young age, and my education is not what I would have liked it to be. But at the end of the day it got me to the position I am at now. After leaving school I worked for my dad. My future appeared set except that at the age of 18 I got an opportunity to play professional rugby. It was pretty early but it was what I had wanted all my life. By the age of 19, I was on a world tour with New Zealand's hugely popular team, the All Blacks. That was unbelievable, an incredible experience when I was away from New Zealand for a month. The whole world changed for me. I saw this opportunity, and I felt that I had the ability to really change the game.

Even at that age I realised that if I was going to do this, I was going to be the very best I could be. That meant aiming to be the very best rugby player. So in 1984, I got a personal trainer who woke me up at 6am and had me training through the day. It was tough but I was determined because I saw it as an opportunity to realise my potential. I tried to change the game and be the best that I could be.

My parents were very strong influences in my life. Bryan Williams (former New Zealand rugby union footballer and coach of the Samoan national rugby team) was someone I looked up to as a rugby player. I'd watch him coaching when I was around eight. John Hart, the coach who took the risk and selected me, was another person who influenced what I was doing.

Though I had a desire to learn, I don't think I missed much [by quitting school] as I think the education system in those days wasn't all that great. But it's something that I regret now. I keep telling my kids I am not dumb, but I am not educated. I feel education is important to give them the opportunity to choose in life.

For me, work is not different from duty. I was a victim of depression many years ago when I was at the peak of my career. I was able to survive by reaching out, seeking help from those closest to me. I feel a duty to reach out to others in the same position. I do a national campaign in New Zealand where I talk about my experiences. That's the whole idea, to talk about it, to bring it out into the open.

Around 1989-90, I had a lot of anxiety attacks, which I ignored, and that was a mistake. I woke up one morning and didn't really know who was looking back at me in the mirror. It was a pretty bad case of medical depression. I didn't talk to anyone or tell anyone and I kept to myself for a year until I finally collapsed and didn't really get out of bed one day. I realised that I needed help so I reached out to my family, received medical help and started the journey back to wellness.

The problem is the stigma attached to depression. When I was cured, what I tried to do was to get rid of the stigma, and we seem to have succeeded. The message I try to give people is that it is an illness and it's like any other illness. If you had any other illness you would go straight to a doctor and get help. Unfortunately, we see depression as a weakness and not an illness. If you get help you can get through it and be well. I am now better than I ever was before.

That was the reason I decided to write All Blacks Don't Cry. The reaction to it has been fantastic. It's helping a lot of people; it normalises something that's really scary when you are in there. It has given me incredible satisfaction. We have sold 30,000 copies, and I hope the book has been handed around as many times.

That said, writing is not my talent at all. I can't even spell properly! I used a ghost writer to help me, but yes the one thing that I'd love to do is write. I think it's a gift.

When I was awarded the Order of the British Empire [OBE] in 2007, I didn't know whether to accept or not. I didn't know why I had been chosen, so I asked people who I trusted. Apparently it was in recognition of my work in trying to get depression out of the closet. So I felt very honoured. But I don't use it [the title] or talk about it.

Being made an Officer of the Order of New Zealand Merit was a real honour. I love my home country, and that was nice, it made feel a bit young!

I have lived so long outside New Zealand now that I like to say that I have two homes - one in New Zealand and one in Italy. I would also like Japan to be part of my life. I intend to live in all three countries and I think all three countries have affected my life in some way. I haven't been able to spend as much time in New Zealand as I'd like but it could change in future. 

Play

What I find really fascinating about the sporting life is the opportunity to travel. Travelling to and living in other places is what makes life so wonderful. I live in Italy at the moment. I first came to Italy as a 20-year-old, and I am still here. I've lived in Japan too, when I started coaching the Japanese team. I have some good friends in Japan.

Some of the highlights of my life have been knowing and understanding other cultures. That's really the fun part. I will be going to Sri Lanka this year. I have never been there before, so I am looking forward to meeting its people.

My family stays in Italy, the kids go to school there. We don't want to move them, so I commute between my jobs. I have been home six days now after being away for three-and- a-half weeks. I leave tomorrow for Hong Kong, then on to Bangkok. In between I will go back for a week, that's my family time. The family will join me whenever they can if I am away too long.

Most of my life away from the playing fields is with my kids. I make myself available if they want to talk about something, and I don't hover over them and tell them what to do. But if they need advice I will certainly provide it. I don't say ‘this is what I did and this is what you should do'; I will share with them some of my experiences, but it is important they try their own ways [of solving problems]. I just wait in the wings. Most kids have doubts and they are under pressure at such a young age, so I try to make them see those emotions are normal. Courage lies in conquering those emotions. I try to give them the tools that can help.

Through all this I never lose sight of my primary goal - teaching rugby. It was great while coaching the Italian team when they were on a winning spree. Even though the Japanese team haven't had many victories so far, to see them reach within themselves and get better all the while is fulfilling. Plenty of fun all the way.

My home is my castle and I like to relax when I am home. But I can't just sit around, I've got to be doing something. I like to cook and I like playing the guitar. New Zealand being a multicultural society has an incredible cuisine. When we first came to Italy we couldn't get anything but Italian food - which I love - but I started cooking Indonesian and Indian food. I enjoy cooking curries and stuff like that. 

Dream

I think the dream of every New Zealander is to be an All Black. I too dreamt of that and I achieved it. Now, I tell my children it is important that you try to reach your goals and your dreams. It's not getting there that's the problem. The problem is not trying.

The dream I have for my children is for them to get an education so they can choose what to do in life. I want them to live their own life. All three of my children are very sporty and I want them to achieve their goals. I try to show them the right path and help them achieve them. My daughter, who is 18, won the local championship in volleyball recently, and now we have a big cup in the house. My son, who is 15, plays football, while my little one, who is 11, is a rugby boy.

Now my dreams are for my home country, New Zealand. I think it would be nice if we could use the opportunity of the World Cup 2011 to tell the world that it's not just a rugby place but also a great country where you can come and learn, and invest. New Zealanders have a fantastic attitude towards life, they can do anything they really want to. I want people to come down to our country and just have a great time. Another nice thing about New Zealand is that we are a young country; my hopes and dreams for us as a young country are that we can learn from countries that have already made mistakes and not repeat the same ones.

The importance of believing in oneself cannot be stressed enough. The Japanese rugby team I am now coaching was ranked 19 in the world, but we are now going to the 12th position. We have got to believe that we can compete with the best in the world. So what we tried to do is change the mentality. To get them to believe that they can compete. My dreams now are that they should achieve what they've set out to and get an incredible amount of satisfaction from what they do.

My one piece of advice to everybody: Don't be afraid to dream. Dreams are free, and no one can take them away from you. 

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