Q: My son’s best friend in kindergarten is a total bully. He relentlessly makes fun of other kids (including my son) and has even hit other kids in the class. My son comes home with stories about these things, yet he still likes this boy. The boy’s parents are oblivious - I have tried to talk to them. How can I get my son to choose someone better to like?
A: This is a great opportunity to open up a dialogue with your son about friendship, kindness, respect and empathy. Here’s my conversational sample platter: What does it mean to be a friend? What feelings might lead people to treat others badly, and what are better ways of coping with those feelings? Why is it important to stand up for others, and for yourself, and how can you do that?
Ultimately, you can cut your boy off from this kid during non-school hours. But add in a more nuanced approach of getting your son to start thinking for himself about these questions - and communicating those thoughts with you - which will serve him well when facing future Bullies B through Z.
She saw him grope, but he says nope
Q: I caught my boyfriend of six months making out with another woman when I arrived at a party. The problem is that he completely denies it. He is not giving an inch, and instead of begging me for forgiveness, he is saying that I didn’t see what I think I did. I can understand him trying to cover his tracks, but I know what I saw. Why is he doing this?
A: I understand you are hurt and need some time, but I think your focus is misguided. The problem, as you see it, is that he denies the incident. But I’d say the problem is that there’s still any sort of relationship-y action going on between you two at all.
You know what you saw. People react in all kinds of ways when they are startled and upset (and ashamed). Whatever made him choose this particular way is less important than the fact that he a) made out with another woman, b) is lying about it, and c) is shifting the blame to you. Those three strikes are enough to send anyone back to the dugout with a hiss of boos, and in my opinion, get ejected from the game - no instant replay needed.
Andrea Bonior, a Washington-area clinical psychologist, is author of The Friendship Fix. For more information, see www.drandreabonior.com. You can also follow her on Twitter: @drandreabonior
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