Off The Cuff: Writing sans bits of our 'alpha-bit'

Hi and G' day, Al,

Thank you for that amazing book on conundrums.

Obviously you think I fit into your group of brainy folk. Ha ha, to that, old pal. My poor old brain now rasps as a barn door would that hasn't had any oil. Still, it had yours truly rapt and I must admit I forgot all about my post-lunch nap.

I thought it a good plan to allow "fans, or antagonists" of my Thursday column an opportunity to "pick a brain sharply, or pick a sharp brain". Friday's a holiday, too, in Dubai, so any Thursday strain "cn b fixt" as my son, Jason, would probably say to his chat pals, in that odd shotgun cryptology of his.

"Friday's a pillow day, mum," was his famous cry in Dubai. In Australia, Jason's lost that fanaticism for a Friday (or a Sunday) pillow. But on to conundrums ... Palindromic words: I got this without fuss: XXXXX I' M XXXX ! That was MADAM I' M ADAM … if you scan it both backwards and forward … But this put my "barn door" in a bind: XXXX TO XXXX, SIR! (Hint: think Lok Sabha, but hop across to UK!) Or this palindromic word, about an amazing building act: X XXX X XXXX X XXXXX PANAMA! Good luck, fans!

Antagonists, you win, I'm silly, but I know you will slyly try working out your solutions. Anyway, Al, following that, I got caught up with this cryptic form of a man's final words: IWXH XH CD IXBT UDG BPZXCV CTL TCTBXTH!

(Hint: X=I and C=N). I'm now working on my own last words, sculpting a mighty cryptic paragraph that awaits Dan Brown's sons or grandsons!

I grant you this, it will dwarf Da Vinci. But finally, it's not your cryptogram that lands a cryptograph man millions, although this poor chap busts a gut or two writing things with such slant and twist. It's your Dan Browns that try solving bits and shading in/out spots of truth that kidnap a public's fancy and boy, don't our public just know how to fork out cash!! But I'll just dismount from this Dan Brown nag. Good book.

No point complaining. Writing of conundrums brings to mind this war in Iraq. WMDs, said Bush and Blair, MI6 (or5?) and CIA, prior to that invasion. What if WMDs didn't stand for WMDs?? What if it truly was: War Must D****** Saddam??? (Work on that D******, fans!) Anybody who says "What if", say a handful of antagonists, is proposing a conspiracy supposition.

Conspiracy suppositions abound. So why shouldn't I throw in a sampling? What if this giant tsunami didn't hit, didn't wash away thousands, would our compassion for humanity lay hid, as with a mask? Must a holocaust occur for us to stir, for donations to pour?

Is that how compassion works? What about Sudan and Darfur? Who's going to put a hand up? What's this waiting all about? In Darfur, waiting = dying.

But that's a conundrum, too, Al. Our world is turning into a waiting world. Not Rwanda, or its Tutsis and Hutus, has taught us how not to wait.

Isn't that puzzling? On Iraq, it's wait; on Osama, it's wait and watch. I know you will add: On promotions, it's wait, watch and wail.

Hard work and good output isn't a yardstick now. And if you crib, your cribbing falls on arid turf. This is your conundrum. Good toil wins hardly any awards.

But I'll quit this harping and moaning, and so must you. Our world will turn today, as it will tomorrow.

But today I must inform you, prior to signing off, of this most amazing task by a man in 1939. This chap, Wright, writ a book of 50,000 words ("Gadsby") without using that most common ' e' .

Why would a man sit down to do this in a book in 1935?

And again, why would another man try it in a column in 2005? It's a conundrum.