It’s the most wonderful time of the year, filled with holiday cheer, the spirit of giving, and socializing with family and friends. As much enjoyment as these parties, events, and togetherness bring, they may also carry an element of stress, especially when you add the desire for well-mannered children into the mix.
Nothing can shift the mood of a holiday gathering quite like the moment when our historically polite eight-year-old asks an innocent yet inappropriate question in front of a room full of adults. I am sure many parents can also relate to the embarrassment of the brutally honest yet hilariously on-point response to an unsuspecting adult’s attempt to keep up a conversation with our little angels. Then there is the shock of the poor parent who discovers a troop of cousins in the guest bedroom after they have destroyed a family heirloom or repurposed the imported wallpaper into their latest Picasso-esque masterpiece.
Whatever the situation every parent has been, at one time or another, uncomfortable with their children’s manners. Can moments like these be prevented? Or are these situations just a right of passage through parenthood?
The honest answer is, both.
As an etiquette, effective communications and soft skills advisor and as a parent, I have adopted the mindset that children will be, and should be, children. However, that doesn’t mean we should let our children run in a sugar-induced holiday craze around our Auntie Meriam's beautifully decorated home, destroying things and being impolite with elders in the family. I believe everyday social situations offer us, and our children, opportunities for growth. As parents, we should consider this leading up to, during, and after social gatherings.
As adults, we know that first impressions and manners matter; it has been instilled in us through consistent messages, exposure to different, albeit sometimes uncomfortable situations, and learning from our role models. What we as adults know about politeness, we can teach our children in a structured and intentional manner. We simply need to start parenting manners.
But how?
It is ideal to start as soon as possible in an age-appropriate way that is easy to understand and relate to.
Make it relatable
In my experience through coaching on etiquette, I have found shifting the focus away from ‘the rules of good manners’ and relating it more to how our behaviour affects others’ feelings or emotions; we can empower our children to want to behave civilly. Children are processing so much information at any given moment, and they are very concerned with what is fair and just. Presenting manners as just another chore or rule they need to follow isn't effective for creating long-term change. We need to engage them to understand the value and positivity manners can bring in a practical way that is easy to understand.
Talk about emotions
Manners and politeness are similar to kindness, consideration, and honesty. Ask any child how it makes them feel when someone is rude, doesn’t say thank you for a gift they were given, touches or breaks something special to them, or doesn’t listen to them when they ask to stop being pestered, and they will tell you how it made them feel with passion and clarity of mind. You can then ask them to reflect on how Auntie Meriam might feel about her precious vase or fancy wallpaper being destroyed.
Empowering conversation
This simple shift in perspective of how we approach manners transforms the conversation to one of coaching on empathy and empowering our children to have polite behaviour. You can spark their desire to be thought of as kind and considerate individuals. That feeling creates the room for the desired outcome of politeness that will translate to greeting people, saying please and thank you, withholding awkward questions, and being respectful of others’ things in their home.
Make manner talk fun
Discussing manners can also be a fun conversation, almost like a game. You can pose questions and look for answers from the whole family anywhere you are, in the car, at the dinner table or on the walk back from the park. This way, the foundation of good behaviour is well laid and developed. A conversation may sound a little like this;
“How do we say hello to people when they say hello to us?”
“That’s correct! We always say hello and offer a hug or a handshake, and when we say hello, we look at them.”
“What words do we always use?”
“Yes! The magic words! Please and thank you!”
“Do we touch other people’s things?”
“No, you are right; we always admire things with our eyes unless they are offered to us.”
“When someone offers us food, what do we say?”
“Yes! You are so good at remembering. We always say thank you even if we do not care for the item! We are also always conscientious when we are eating as not to make a mess, and we try always to eat where they have served us or told us to eat.”
During these discussions, you can weave in important details that you know they will encounter like if there are pets, other children, elderly guests, or areas of the house which are private and off-limits. You will reinforce the idea of being respectful of boundaries, and you can develop children who are thoughtful and respectful of other people and the way they live. Having these discussions enables you to set boundaries well before you arrive at an impolite situation, and it becomes much easier to remind your child of their manners when in the midst of holiday excitement and manic moments.
Positive reinforcement
This type of conversation empowers your children to choose polite behaviour and a reinforcing conversation during the event to praise them for their good manners is a perfect way to encourage their good choices.
Show, don’t tell
Another key point for consideration is that the most impactful approach to instilling manners in your children is leading by example, through consistency in practice and in your response to your children’s behaviour. Adopting polite and respectful behaviour as a way of life rather than just putting it on like a holiday outfit when we visit people’s homes or fancy restaurants is truly the best approach.
‘The Magic Manners List’
Kindness, honesty, and consideration are the cornerstones of etiquette, and most households already instil these virtues. Think of it as something as simple as a manners checklist, which in our house we call “The Magic Manners List.” This is a helpful, positive, and fun way to remind and reinforce good manners. This method is positive and rewarding for children who are behaving well.
Don’t beat yourself up
Finally, it is important to know that even if we do all of this, children will still be children. They are on a self-development journey, after all. No matter the level of understanding, the countless conversations, or the weeks of good behaviour, once the holiday music starts playing and the sugar-induced energy kicks in, manners and boundaries may disappear faster than Frosty the Snowman in a Dubai summer.
Going into any situation, understanding your child, and observing them is paramount in parenting manners. I suggest checking in with your children at special events to acknowledge and support their polite behaviour. Doing so, you not only encourage the good behaviour you have witnessed, you keep it at the forefront of their minds: that we are always kind and considerate and that manners always matter. You continue to set the example and strengthen the foundation of polite behaviour.
The takeaway here is, you don’t have to overhaul your entire parenting method or values system to be effective in parenting children to have good manners. Making adjustments to how you approach the subject, instilling good manners, introducing manners as a way that is fun and easy to understand, and creating space for conversations about our manners, is a simple and effective way to develop well-mannered children this festive season.
- Taylor Elizabeth Perramond is a Dubai-based etiquette expert
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