When parents fight in front of children: The emotional impact and how to reduce the harm

‘We went out for ice cream and then my parents fought about money as usual.  My mother forgot about dinner so she sent me to my friend’s house. We had biryani.’

Dubai-based schoolteacher Neelima (name changed on request) was unsettled when her eight-year-old student casually recounted his weekend as part of a class assignment. Worse, he seemed to think his mother forgetting dinner after a heated argument was amusing—his classmates certainly did.

“I didn’t know what to say at first. It was striking how normal he made it sound,” Neelima recalls. “Later, I brought it up politely with his parents, but they brushed it off, saying, ‘Every couple fights,’ and that ‘it’s okay for him to see it once in a while—it shows we’re a normal family.’”

But it’s this very sense of ‘normalcy’ that can be corrosive to a child’s development and worldview, child psychologists warn. “You might think it’s just a few bad arguments, but a child is constantly absorbing that language of anger and resentment. Over time, it shapes how they perceive relationships,” explains Dubai-based child psychologist Victoria Lauren.

Conflict is normal, but what kind of conflict?

Disagreements are a natural part of life, parents included. However, it’s not whether parents fight that shapes a child’s emotional well-being, it’s how they fight and, more importantly, how they make their child feel in the process. As Lauren says, citing popular psychologist Mark Cummings who has written several research papers on the subject, when children witness healthy conflict resolution, they can actually benefit, learning valuable problem-solving skills that help them navigate relationships later in life.

However, not all arguments are created equal. Some are particularly ugly and harmful in nature. As Lauren and Ramya Krishna, a Dubai-based psychologist point out, there are destructive patterns that leave lasting scars on children.

·         Verbal aggression: Name-calling, insults, and threats of abandonment

·         Physical aggression –Pushing, or any form of violence

·         Silent treatment: Avoiding conversations, walking out, sulking, or withdrawing emotionally

·         Fake resolutions: One parent giving in just to end the fight, without actually solving the problem, which teaches children avoidance, rather than resolution.

When children repeatedly witness these toxic behaviors, they don’t just see a disagreement, they absorb the tension, internalise the fear, and often blame themselves for the discord.

Gradually, this can lead to anxiety, trust issues, and struggles with emotional regulation. “Young children are in their formative years, meaning they absorb and mimic the patterns they see—healthy or not,” says Lauren. As they grow into adulthood, these learned behaviors often shape how they navigate both personal and professional relationships.

For instance, Krishna recalls a client who would refuse to actually resolve an issue with her husband, and resorted to silent treatment. “She didn’t know any other way; she saw her father stonewalling her mother in childhood after an argument, and thought that it’s the best way to resolve conflicts. Instead, these are all forms of emotional abuse, even silent treatment, which creates so much frisson in relationships,” she says.

The emotional toll, what children see but can’t say

In short, witnessing such harmful discord when growing up, has severe repercussions on children. As the psychologists explain, while some believe it is the norm, others can also can just turn destructive and get trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage, hurting their own relationships.  While toddlers may react with immediate distress—crying or clinging—older children often process conflict in silence. They might withdraw, act out in school, or develop chronic stress symptoms like headaches and stomach aches. Some even blame themselves, assuming they are the cause of the tension between their parents.

Krishna adds that sometimes the parents also vent their frustration on the child too, sometimes compelling them to take sides. “This puts another layer of pressure, as they’re caught in a complicated tug-of-war between both parents. You think that you’re ‘just clearing the air and sharing your version’ with the child, but instead, they start feeling confused about which parent to support. Who is telling the truth? Who isn’t? And they have to perform mental gymnastics to understand,” she says.

It’s the grammar of so many relationships, where both parents are desperate to bring the child to their side. “It’s just exhausting, draining and damaging the child psychologically, filling them with guilt, because it is very rattling for them to turn against one parent to please the other. And then, you have fear in the mix too, because some parents try to guilt-trip the child too,” she says.

Finally, another outcome is that the child starts blaming themselves for arguments and in time, battered relationships between parents. “That’s a painful, heavy burden for a child to live with. And what makes it worse, is when parents start lashing out at the children. So, the child starts wondering, ‘Am I really not doing enough?” says Krishna.

‘A sense of bitterness’

For some, bitterness and rage become the only lens through which they see the world, damaging their relationships.

Abu Dhabi-based Amulya Saha, a homemaker recounts living, growing up in an exhaustive atmosphere of constant fighting, gaslighting and bitter arguments. “I was angry and jealous of other classmates who could celebrate their parents 25^th anniversaries, or just go for holidays to exotic places to them. It made me so spiteful to them that I feel ashamed, when I think about it. I could only gravitate towards people with broken homes like mine. It took six years of therapy, which is still ongoing, to accept my family background and to finally cut off all ties with parents,” she says.

So, how do you conflict in front of your children?

Both the specialists explain a few strategies to prevent children from being affected by arguments:

Take a timeout: If you feel an argument escalating, step away and revisit it later in private.

Lower your tone: Avoid shouting or using harsh language in front of your child.

Show resolution: If your child does witness a disagreement, let them also see a healthy resolution.

Reassure them: Let them know the argument is not their fault and that they are loved.

Arguments are inevitable, but how we handle them around children can shape their emotional and mental well-being. The goal isn’t to pretend conflict doesn’t exist—it’s to manage it in a way that teaches kids security, stability, and the true meaning of love and respect. At the end of the day, what children need most isn’t perfection—it’s peace.