You must remember this, and you are, again ...?

I'm a guy who often can't remember where he parked his car, which becomes a moot point if I don't know where I put my keys, so I was the last person who should have competed recently in a national brain-teasing event whose name unfortunately escapes me. Wait, now I remember: the USA Memory Championship, which was held amid much fanfare and media coverage at the ConEdison Building in New York City.

Actually, I wasn't the last person who should have competed because, much to my shock, I did not finish last. I can't recall exactly where I finished, but let's just say that if I had any shame, I would have been humiliated.

Also, I was the only returning contestant from the inaugural USA Memory Championship 10 years ago and this time I was the oldest competitor (at 53, I am old enough to know better). That, of course, is not why I turned in such a pathetic performance, because many middle-age people have fantastic memories, except when it comes to finding their glasses, but I am not above making lame excuses.

As I parked my car in a garage a block from the event, I wondered whether I could possibly do any worse than I did in 1997, when I finished 14th in a field of 18. That included two contestants who didn't show up, probably because they forgot.

Primary purpose

When I walked in, I was warmly greeted by Tony Dottino, a management consultant who founded the USA Memory Championship. He remembered me even after a decade because, he said, "You are not easy to forget". With 41 contestants from across the country, the field had more than doubled since I last competed. Because the primary purpose of the USA Memory Championship is educational, there also were three high school teams whose members reminded me nothing of myself at that age, when the only things I could remember were baseball statistics and girls' phone numbers.

In a futile effort to get inside the mind of one of my numerous mnemonic nemeses, I introduced myself to Dave Thomas, a Brit with dual citizenship: He lives in Sandston, Virginia, and Yorkshire, England, from where he had flown for the event. Thomas, 38, is the author of Essential Life Skills: Improving Your Memory. There was no way I could have read his book before the competition started, so I asked for his advice. Thomas answered, "Relax." Easy for him to say.

The first of the four qualifying events, which would narrow the field to seven finalists, was "Names and Faces", in which we had to memorise the names and faces of 99 people. I was so totally lost in the recall portion that under the photo of a guy with a beard, I wrote: "Grizzly Adams." Under the photo of a cute blonde, I wrote: "555-1234".

Still, I scored 13.5 points and was doing much better than I expected: I was only next-to-last. My standing didn't improve after the next event, "Speed Numbers," in which we had to memorise 25 rows of 40 numbers each. My score: 0.

I couldn't help but do better at "Speed Cards," in which we had to memorise the order of a shuffled deck of cards. For once in my life, I was playing with a full deck. I didn't ace the event, but I did score 11 points.

I got 21 points in "Poetry", in which we had to memorise an unpublished poem, meaning I had gone from bad to verse. But it wasn't enough to put me in the finals. In fact, I finished a dismal 38th. The winner, not surprising, was Thomas, who will compete in August in the World Memory Championship in Bahrain. For me, it was a no-Bahrainer.

My only other consolation is that I actually remembered where I parked my car.

Jerry Zezima's favourite flower is the forget-me-not.