Suresh Menon: Cry baby takes flight

I love children. I think they are vital to our eco system. They are the joys of youth and the consolations in old age. And if I give myself another ten minutes, I am sure I could come up with at least a dozen reasons why they are wonderful, necessary, delightful and so on.

I am all for children in schools, in parks, in planetariums, on ice rinks, at cricket matches and concerts – yet there is one area children (especially infants) should be banned from. And that is the long-haul flight.

“Any seat preferences?” the kindly lady at the check-in asked me in London, and I said sadly – because, like that of the Man of La Mancha, this was an impossible dream – “Find me a seat far away from bawling infants.”

On modern aircrafts there are, unfortunately, no seats far away from bawling infants. This was a huge aircraft – A380, in fact – which meant that no seat was safe. As the screams of one child faded away, the powerful ones of another picked up the strain. Focused attacks are bad enough, overlapping ones are unbearable.

It was sheer torture, and I began to think of long-forgotten crimes. That parking ticket I never paid in the 1990s; that last cookie I took from the jar when I was four or five; that library book I admitted to having lost while in reality I had it on my shelf – my life was passing before my eyes. And in strenuous detail too since this was a seven-hour flight.

Then I confessed to crimes I hadn’t committed. For starting the First World War, for shooting Abraham Lincoln, for being the second man in the JFK assassination and the third man in the Graham Greene novel.

And yet the screams went on, the bawling continued. After landing sleep-deprived for a brief stopover I nearly missed the connecting flight thanks to the snooze-inviting seats.

And then it started up again on the next flight. These bawling kids are so well organised, the Mafia can take lessons from them. Once again I was picked out for special attention.

“What will you drink, sir?” the steward asked politely. “Give me water, but can you give that child something to shut her up?” I responded.

This one was a master. She started screaming as soon as we boarded and didn’t let up until half an hour before we landed, when she abruptly fell asleep. It was difficult not to pinch her cheeks (and wake her up) as we were disembarking.

Hence my request to all airlines: Our flights are smoking-free, some are alcohol-free. Please have child-free flights and I will pay a first-class fare for an economy-class ticket.