Readers Views: “I am a good daughter”

For so many of us who live as expats in Dubai, away from our aging parents, my mental worry is neither new nor foreign. I contemplate whether I should be worrying about not being able to do enough for my parents, or devoting my my energy on being mentally present for active solutions.

I don’t think I am alone in this, and it provides me with a strange sense of comfort. Guilt intertwined with doubt and an unhealthy dose of self-pity surrounds a large part of my daily existence. Like me, I know many of us are blessed with siblings who care, who do not demand and who continue to take active decisions in the best interest of our parents.

But I am always filled with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I should be doing more, I should not be questioning the decisions taken by someone else, in this case my sister, who is living physically close to my father. I am a silent spectator to many happenings and that has often taken away my own right to offer an opinion on a particular decision. This is making me feel helpless and negative. I need to replace this feeling.

I also toy at the idea of why I should be feeling guilty. Am I supposed to? As a daughter living far away, would not feeling guilty make me a bad person? By the same token, would I not do the same if roles were reversed, if I were there and my sister was here? I am glad that I can say for certain, I would. I wouldn’t flinch or shy away or find any excuse. I would support, assist and love, as she does.

I am conscious of the fact that when I feel guilty, I assume a powerless mode. I can hide behind the guilt and continue to feel bad about myself. But who am I helping? Not my sister, not our father and certainly not myself. Self-pity, self-loathing and inaction is a vicious cycle of despair, when there is no need for it. However, I cannot fight this guilt. But I realise that I can be more productive in my love for others by practising compassion towards myself.

Genuinely asking what I can do to help and openly listening are my options. Perhaps calling more often and encouraging more will also help.

I am a good daughter. I am trying to be a good sister. I am doing what I can. As and when I am able to, I do more. I need to have less guilt and less resentment. I need to redefine what ‘caring’ actually means to me. I need to stay calm and reasoned.

- The reader is a resident of the UAE.