Raising the bar in TV or ...

When my friend told me about a new TV channel that is being launched soon from Dubai, my only reaction was a bored, tired look.

With over 300 TV channels filling the airwaves in this part of the world, one more channel here or there is not going to tip the balance of my battered enthusiasm, to put it mildly.

But my friend seemed to know something I didn't when he curtly said: "This is different, check it out."

With my obsessive instincts wired up big time, I decided to investigate the matter fully and to get to the "bottom of things", as the Americans are fond of saying. So I went and met with Jean-Luis, the tri-lingual marketing wizard heading the new television venture.

Between frequent sips from his latte, pervasive glances at his Blackberry and occasional dreamy surfing lapses on his latest model lap-top, Jean-Luis was generous enough to offer the following insights on the vision behind the new channel, or in front of it, depending on your point of view.

"What's the name of your new channel and what's so different about it?"

"We're calling it T-TV, temporairment, but the name may be dropped for a jazzier, sexier name later on."

"T stands for...."

"Toddlers, we are calling it: "Toddlers TV" for now."

"Are you targeting real toddlers or people who have toddlers' mindset?"

"We would welcome those, of course. But we are mainly targeting real, newborn toddlers who are 0-12 months of age."

"How is that possible? Care to explain?"

"Our research has clearly shown us that all other age groups are heavily targeted with TV offerings except newborn infants, they are still pretty much a virgin territory."

"And you intend to change that!"

"Precisely, we have identified this gap in the market and we are moving fast to fill it."

"Fill it with what, if I may ask?"

"We want to fill it with the right TV content that toddlers want."

"Hmmm, other than eating, sleeping and burping, I don't see toddlers wanting anything, let alone TV content!"

"We see it differently; we believe that toddlers are untapped, under-served and under-represented in today's TV offerings."

"Shouldn't they be left untapped? All they really need is having their diapers changed every few hours!"

"Eh bien, don't forget that toddlers are in reality our potential future consumers. We, as broadcasters, have to grab them before someone else does, as they are pretty much impressionable."

"How would you make them watch TV?"

"Donc, we came up with a few plans. On the mass level, we are thinking of installing built-in small TV screens inside oxygen incubators - we secured the approval of the medical profession for that. Another plan on the individual level is to place a tiny portable TV screen during breastfeeding; a Japanese company is toying with this idea."

"You expect toddlers to watch TV in the middle of breastfeeding?"

"Well, you would have the perfect captive audience there, don't you agree?"

"Have you lined up any sponsors for this channel?"

"So far we got two leading car manufacturers on board. Research has shown that toddlers who crawl on all fours are more prone to invest in a four wheel truck later in life."

"What kind of programming will the channel have?"

"The whole enchilada, especially reality shows."

"Are you expecting toddlers to watch other toddlers? Doing what?"

"Doing the things that toddlers do all day."

"Who is sponsoring the reality shows?"

"A branded shoe company - they felt strongly that their tagline, "Just Do It", seems to fit toddler lifestyle and spirit perfectly".

"I certainly see your point. Final question: how do you measure viewer satisfaction?"

"We will have an improved version of baby monitors installed in bedrooms across the region, tied by satellite. We will know toddlers are happy with our channel as long as there is no crying. By then someone needs to change their diapers!"

Ahmad Zahzah is a media consultant based in the UAE.