Professor Tufflov: Hair dilemma

Dear Professor
My wife hates my ponytail and wants me to get rid of it. I’ve been growing it for about four years now. In the beginning I did it because I wanted to save money and avoid barbers’ tedious small talk about the weather and this year’s holiday destination. But after a while I began to really like it because it makes me stand out in a crowd.

I know that ponytails are associated with fading rock stars and hippies, and in this warm climate they’re a little sweaty and uncomfortable, but I don’t care, and I’m upset my wife is so vehemently opposed to it. Surely she should join me in celebrating my generous plumage? After all, not many 34-year-olds can boast such a fine head of hair. The other night I woke up to find her standing over the bed holding a pair of scissors in one hand and a Spinney’s carrier bag in the other. I’ve warned her that if she cuts off my precious ponytail against my will, it’ll be grounds for divorce. How can I make her see sense?
Norbert

Norbert, I won’t lie to spare your feelings, it isn’t the Tufflov way to tread lightly around matters of such grave importance, so I’ll come right out and say it. I think ponytails are the naffest of phallic symbols (novelty ties being the worst), which, on a man of 34, can look highly undignified.

Harsh words, I know, but there’s a marriage at stake here.

Some men like to grow what I call a ‘compensatory ponytail’ (keeping it long at the back to atone for a bald pate). I sympathise with them, I really do, but even this is unacceptable in an age where there are many fine follicularly challenged role models, from Jason Statham (tough, bad-ass movie star), to Alain de Botton (sensitive philosopher type and doyen of brainy women the world over).

As for your ponytail making you “stand out in a crowd”, that’s silly. Wearing pink rubber gloves and tattooing swastikas on your eyelids would make you stand out in a crowd (and get you lynched), but you wouldn’t do that, would you?

You mention, also, that in not getting a regular haircut you are saving money, but what about all the extra shampoo you are using to keep your locks in a state of silky luminosity? Unless you’re one of those unhygienic chaps who leaves his hair to get all matted and dirty, which is disgusting.

As for the matter of the carrier bag and scissors, are you absolutely sure your wife’s intention was to snip off your ponytail?

I can’t help but suspect she had a more vital appendage in mind.

Best put a lock on the cutlery draw, just in case. Sleep well, my friend.

Dear Professor,

I hate this time of year with a passion. All my colleagues talk about at the office is football, football, football. I used to pretend to be interested in whether Ronaldo would be fit in time to play Bayern Munich in the Champions League semi-final second leg, or whether Gareth Bale was good enough to play for Real Madrid. But now I don’t care. And yet, a dislike of the so-called Beautiful Game means instant ostracisation. How do I denounce football and stay popular?
Richie

Denouncing football is like saying you hate Elvis or dolphins. You can’t do it without alienating yourself from your fellow man – unless you live somewhere where football is considered effeminate, like New Zealand. Sorry, Richie, but you’re going to have to keep up the pretence.That doesn’t mean you have to know who won the Ballon d’Or in 1986 or the name of Spartak Moscow’s assistant coach. Simply throw in the odd remark picked up from the sports pages of your local newspaper, follow a reasonably successful team and don’t hang around the water cooler too often.

Dear Professor,
Hardly anyone uses the gym in my JBR apartment building, so most of the time it’s quiet. But occasionally one of the other residents comes in and treats the place like it’s his, playing loud rap music and aggressively charging about the place. To make matters worse, he roars like a wounded lion when he lifts heavy weights.

I can’t concentrate on my own workout when he’s doing all this. How should I approach him to tell him about his intimidating manner?
Vivek

What an appalling impingement on your tranquillity, Vivek. My heart bleeds. Maybe you should ask your building’s management to move the gym into your local library where you’ll get a bit of peace and quiet. OK, so this guy is behaving like an ill-mannered thug (I can see him now in my mind’s eye, all rope-veined neck and beetroot-faced), but ultimately this is a gym, not a funeral parlour. A bit of aggression is not a bad thing when you’re trying to bench-press 80kg. Perhaps you should use your rage to fuel your workout. As you curl that last dumbbell, picture his face and let the hatred flow. Mwahaha!