Latest salvo in the battle for hearts

Lately we had an unfortunate interview with Dr T.Z. Bradley, professor emeritus of political sciences at Princeton University and celebrated author of the US bestseller PR, Politics and Image - Implications and Repercussions.

Some of you may recall (from my last article) that Dr Bradley accidentally gave us an outdated answer when we asked him about the US administration's plans for winning the hearts and minds of Arabs.

Blaming the mishap on his secretary, Mary, Dr Bradley contacted us later and offered the following updated insights on the administration's latest moves.

When asked if he had reprimanded Mary, Dr Bradley revealed to us that he went a little further than reprimanding her; he actually cooked up a fatty, fake accusation about a supposedly shady connection that tied her to a certain Islamic charity organisation and relayed it to the FBI. Mary was declared "enemy combatant" and was subsequently shipped to Guantanamo to "rot there for the rest of her miserable life!", as Dr Bradley put it.

Apparently, Dr Bradley is a firm believer in the principle of "Shock and Awe", and he also believes there's something about Mary! He explained his action against her as "purely business, nothing personal".

-"What can you tell us about the US efforts to win Arab hearts and minds?"

-"We have a brand new project called PPA, specifically designed to win hearts and minds in the region."

-"Do you mean PPA, as in Policy of Peaches and Apples?"

-"No, PPA stands for: Pet Psychology Approach."

-"Hmmm, what does "Pet Psychology" have to do with our topic?"

-"Americans love pets. Arabs love pets. The common thing between Americans and Arabs is obviously, pets. If we can work together, we will be able to increase what's common between both groups and decrease what divides them."

-"And how exactly do you intend to do that?"

-"As a first step, all our embassies in the region will be re-decorated to look like actual pet zones. Our diplomats will be instructed to behave occasionally like pets. By meowing, huffing and puffing, softly barking and whistling, our diplomats will stand a better chance in gaining the sympathy of their listeners quickly."

-"Are you serious about that?"

-"Absolutely, our extensive quantitative research supports this finding. Secondly, we will introduce a new immigration status for Arabs willing to relocate to the US - it will be simply called: pet status, similar to a student or worker status. It will be given to anyone willing to act, behave and think like a pet. Thirdly, all travellers and visa applicants will be advised that meowing, huffing and puffing, softly barking and whistling will not only be encouraged during interviews but it will be a crucial factor in the consulate's ultimate decision."

-"Are you telling me if someone meows like a cat, he or she will be guaranteed a visa?"

-"The only guaranteed things in life are death and taxes, but he or she will have an advantage over a non-meowing applicant, that's for sure."

-"What happens to those issued a pet status and how will they be treated inside the US?"

-"They will be treated like normal, valued and loved family pets. Who can resist such an offer?"

-"But no one in his or her right mind would accept being treated like a pet -that's subhuman!"

-"Actions speak louder than words. Let me ask you this, if you were in Lebanon during the summer of 2006 in the middle of the July hostilities, would you rather be an average citizen or a pet? Think before you answer. If you were a pet, adopted by a Westerner, a special airplane would have carried you to safety outside Lebanon. If you were an average citizen, good luck to you avoiding those landmines!

-"Are your officials happy with this new pet approach?"

-"Not all of them, Spiderman will replace Condoleezza Rice, Winnie the Pooh will replace Defence Secretary Gates, and the Pentagon will be redecorated and renamed Hakuna- Matata."

-"What role will the Israelis play in the Pet Psychology Approach?"

-"We don't expect them to be overly active; we only want them to carry the whip."

Ahmad Zahzah is a media consultant based in the UAE.