Only children are selfish and spoiled, middle children are always overlooked and youngest children are carefree and don’t easily shoulder responsibility. Are these myths or reality? Some psychologists say your character, values, how you strive for achievement, and your life success are all determined by what family position fate has awarded you. Just how true is this, and can people break the stereotype? Readers debate
Proper nurturing can overcome stereotypical traits
You are born into a birth order. You are either the only child, middle child or the last one and so on. But I believe that birth order doesn’t affect your personality, rather the way your parents nurture you and what society expects of you does affect you. For instance, the eldest child is expected to be the most responsible, whereas the only child is expected to be selfish, according to stereotypes.
I am the only child of my parents. I am independent, value relationships a lot and love to ensure my family is together, not because I am an only child but because I am like any other child. I am sure everyone has the same thoughts as me, whether they are the middle or youngest child. I have learnt to handle my own problems and take care of myself, as I know I cannot rely on anyone. This has made me stronger and there are instances where I have lent a shoulder to friends, who are the middle or last children in their families. But, again, I am sure this has happened to almost everyone and surely, birth order has nothing to do with it.
People are born with set personalities, which they alter as their circumstances and needs change. Yes, your home life can also change your personality. I personally feel an only child can be as spoilt as the eldest or youngest one. It is all based on the kind of nurturing he/she receives from the parents. Our parents, our society and we ourselves can change the notion that birth order affects our personalities.
From Ms Varsha Rajamani
Accounts assistant, based in Abu Dhabi
Parenting makes all the difference
There are lot of studies and debates about birth order and how it can affect you, but there is no concrete explanation on how a person acquires such behaviour. I believe parents have the most crucial role in a child’s life, as they are essential to their children – they are the moulders.
I am a middle child – the fifth of nine siblings. Being a middle child in our family takes a lot of courage, especially when it comes to how to deal with failure. My parents had four girls before I was born, and by virtue of being the first son in the family, I did not really feel like I was a middle child. In the Philippines, where I grew up, big families come with many responsibilities. Naturally, parents may lose focus on the middle child, when compared to their eldest or youngest child.
However, I think it is the duty of the parent to learn about the different personalities of each child and work with each one. Activities involving the whole family would help them gather information on how to unveil the true nature of their children. Every child is programmed to achieve, and their training ground is their experience, the teachings of their parents and their environment.
One of the reason why middle children have common traits, is because, often, they lack attention from their parents. They need more nurturing. Having said that, you might see similar traits in every child – whether they are the eldest, middle or youngest – if their parents don’t have the time to nurture them.
So, the characteristics of children are not based on their birth order, rather on how parents mould them to be.
From Mr Jeju Castro
Call centre agent, based in Abu Dhabi
People are born with set traits, which are hard to change
As an only child, I have always been fiercely independent. My mother instilled in me that I needed to be strong and not depend on others, since I had no siblings upon which to rely. Some perhaps may think this is wrong; however, I am grateful as it taught me to deal with most of life’s challenges. Growing up, I had many friends and consequently was never a lonely child, which sometimes may be considered a common misconception of ‘only children’.
Paradoxically, I have no qualms about being on my own. I love my own company and am never bored. It took my husband some time to understand and appreciate that I enjoy being on my own. At parties, it was often commented that the child dancing and actively taking part was an only child – me. This was perhaps considered strange, as the stereotypical ‘only child’ is usually seen and not heard. Not me. In my life, I have not engaged with many other only children, however when I have, they appear to be the same as me and not negatively affected, whatsoever.
I believe that people are certainly born with set personality traits, and proffer that these traits can be adjusted, but not completely changed. Good parenting is wonderful, yet like two sides of the same coin, both nature and nurture are significant and have a role to play.
From Ms Sandra Mitchell
Homemaker, based in Abu Dhabi
Only children have the highest priority in their family
Birth order definitely has an impact. I feel the first child in the family takes on more responsibility than others, and tends to be stronger. I am the eldest of three children. From a very young age, my parents have always asked me to take care of my sister and brother. I was taught always to share my food, toys and clothes, and to behave like an adult, when it came to protecting my younger siblings. The firstborn is more mature than the rest.
But there is a huge difference when you are an only child – like my husband. His parents treated him differently. Always, he would come first. As a result, he became someone who would think of only himself. He does enjoy his favourite food and books, but he does not have many friends and can live happily without any accomplishments. I think many single children do not have the chance to take care of others, and do not get the opportunity to share their things, or consider other people’s feelings and needs.
Another important factor is parents’ behaviour. If you are an only child in the family, sometimes you are treated like a child, even when you are an adult. Only children have the highest priority in their family so they may feel a sense of entitlement, later in life. Parents must not treat their only child like a king. They need to learn to care about others, do as much housework as they can, and to learn that they are part of the family and that others are not at their command. If parents are aware of how birth order affects personality, they can raise their kids differently and maybe break the cycle. It is not just about birth order – it is about how parents raise their children.
From Ms Xiaona Zhao
Sales manager based in Foshan, Guangdong Province, China
Poll results
Do you think a person’s birth order affects his/her personality?
Yes 40%
No 60%
Social Media
Social media users discussed whether they felt the full force of their birth order stereotype, and if they consciously broke free. Others were sceptical and said they were a product of their experiences, not fate.
@wordpoppy: Being fifth out of six siblings has shaped me. I feel at home in groups. I know allegiances change. I know someone will help, but I also know all about self reliance and fighting for recognition in a busy world. Solitude is necessary. Birth order can be fascinating.
@elizabethalbell: Fellow middle children, we finally get our day! August 12 was #MiddleChildDay. “What few people realise is that middle children are actually more likely to successfully effect change in the world than any other birth order.”
@katieallenn: My birth order does not define me but my birth order defines me. #NationalMiddleChildDay
@factretriever: Middle children are less likely to be spoiled and, therefore, they tend to be less frustrated and demanding of life.
@dramysheinberg: When it comes to you and your siblings, other factors (like divorce, or affluence, or poverty) might help explain the ways in which your family is different from everyone else. But birth order helps explain why you’re different from one another.
@wyn_o: I’m an only child. There are a lot of us, and mostly we turn out fine. There are pros and cons for every birth order!
@mxgolden: I’m thinking of all the oldest born I know, and none of us follow rules, we make our own. Also, I’m never on time! Only children are different depending on the parents, in my opinion.
Have your say
How much of an impact does one’s family position play in shaping personality? Are people destined to behave as their birth order suggests? Or does it have more to do with the way parents raise their children? Does one’s environment make a difference? Have you noticed people breaking away from birth order stereotypes?
To share your views on this topic or join future debates, write to us at readers@gulfnews.com
