I have been told that I am a good listener. Perhaps because I am interested in people, I like stories, I like how every person adds their distinct flavour and make an event come alive when emotions get added to otherwise two dimensional information flow.
I don’t judge as there is no right or wrong in my mind how people choose to live their lives. There is action and consequence, sure, but no judgement. One should be able to share without having to consider whether their inner world is acceptable in the society or not.
After all, we are all different, and it is a good thing, how boring would life be otherwise!? But for some reason we want others to agree with us, no matter what. And this is why I mostly choose to stay quiet myself.
Listening for me is like holding up a mirror to another person, let me explain. Scientists say that we have thousands of thoughts going through our brains every minute. We are not even aware of most because of an autopilot we are running on, every so often we don’t even register what we do and why. We therefore need ways to organise and acknowledge what we really need and want.
Not judging appearances
This is when you reach out to a friend. By spelling it all out, you gain more clarity — as if you just took a good hard look at a mirror and know exactly what to do next — go to a hairdresser perhaps.
Mirror’s job is just to be there and reflect — not to compare their own look to yours, or tell you about the other person they know and most certainly not judge appearances. Your image is just there as is, can be taken for granted to be true, reflecting reality without judgement.
The mirror is a humble soul, knowing its place in the world, always truthful, never spiteful. I am thinking now about a famous fairy tale where a gorgeous woman faced a mirror and got told about somebody more beautiful out there. It drove the poor lady close to madness, trying to find and destroy the competition.
I would say that this mirror was clearly out of line and created a lot of trouble for at least two innocent souls. Anyway, jokes aside, it happens to all of us. When it is time to shut up and listen, we speak up instead and cause so much trouble, distorting the image when we should simply reflect.
Clarity through writing
Personally, I find my clarity through jotting down my thoughts. I have made writing a habit of mine to organise and figure out my next steps. This is not because I don’t like talking to people, but I am afraid that there are too many broken mirrors out there. Instead reflecting, they play a record of preprogrammed information that will only confuse my delicate thought process. Solitude is not my preference, being open is what I want.
However, when I gather up some courage to share my innermost thoughts, I am not looking for sympathy that most people rush to offer. When somebody responds with ‘I am sorry’, it will make me want to take these words and throw them back at their face.
And when I speak of my secret world, I don’t want to hear about anybody’s personal experience before I even get to fully share my own. When I open up to disclose my hurt, it is not an invitation for anybody to try to ‘fix me’ because I am not broken.
When I confide in you, I may not know the meaning of what I am going through, and perhaps there is no meaning at all. And is it at all possible that I will see it all differently once I am allowed to speak my thoughts out loud. And as I gain more clarity, I certainly don’t appreciate anybody accuse me of ‘changing my story’.
So, I opt for listening as a rule, perhaps I can help somebody to gather their thoughts instead. But truly, I could use a mirror myself — not for support nor approval, but help — because I could use an open audience to reflect on my challenges.
But because I don’t want to agree to general terms of engagement and allow others to trample all over my delicate inner life, I am left holding a notebook in the solitude of my home, hoping to find my own way through this maze called life.
Kairi Aun is a professional based in the UAE
