DJ: What is this place anyway?
IM: Jazirat Al Hamra. It's a fishing village.
DJ: I don't see any fish. And not much in the way of people either… Just, er, spooky houses, dark corners…
IM: Legend has it that once the local residents moved out in the Sixties, ghosts and djinns moved in and have haunted the place since…
DJ: I don't like ghost towns. Look at all those holes in the ground, there are definitely snakes around here too.
IM: We've nothing to worry about, relax. In fact, my drive over in the Rolls-Royce was so relaxing, I almost fell asleep behind the wheel. The ride in that thing is just unreal, it's like flying on a magic carpet. How was your drive over?
DJ: No idea. Can't remember a thing. The Bentley is so supple it's like a teleportation device. I remember leaving the office, but then it's all a milky haze until I saw this abomination of a place…
Why did you have to drag me all the way to Ras Al Khaimah and this ghost town anyway? Why does it always have to be about you? The Mulsanne is named after a glorious straight at Le Mans' Circuit de la Sarthe. We could've gone there… But no, Imran wants to go ghost hunting in his fancy Ghost. It's just a BMW 7 Series with make-up, you know.
IM: So it shares around 20 per cent of itself with the BMW 7 Series, but those bits are buried in parts like the climate-control system and wiring loom. Otherwise, this thing is like a six-star hotel on wheels. It's so luxurious and rich, Rolls-Royce even insists on calling the buttons on the dash ‘the jewellery'.
Anyway, Amit chose the location. A poor decision really, especially with around Dh2.6m worth of cars. But since there's nobody around to nick anything, what are we so worried about? Unless, of course, you really think this place is… haunted?
DJ: Pah, I'm not scared. My Bentley is built like a nuclear bunker. But a nuclear bunker with its own butler, red carpet, and concrete walls covered in cowhide from Northern Europe. Ask me why these brave cows that willingly give their lives for a final resting place in a Mulsanne must come from Northern Europe?
IM: Why?
DJ: Because there's no insects up there, and that means the animals' skin doesn't have little mosquito bites ruining the suppleness and feel of the leather. How anal retentive is that?
IM: Umm, very. But my Ghost isn't much better in that respect. It uses A-grade bull leather, which doesn't have any scars or stretch marks. Then every inch of it is inspected — by eye — to make sure it's perfect. And it has wood trim from the same tree to ensure a seamless flow. Guess how many pairs of hands it passes through before it's ready to be handed over to you?
DJ: 60.
IM: Trust you to know that. But those hands don't belong to just anyone. They're attached to the most skilful craftsmen and women in Goodwood. Maybe even the world. You don't mass-produce a Ghost. It takes over 2,000 individual operations and 20 days to complete just one car. And when it comes to painting them, man do they take their time getting it right... It's got four layers of paint and a final layer of clear lacquer. Then they spend five hours hand-polishing it. There's just no room for imperfection in a Rolls.
All the more reason to be worried about manoeuvring it around these narrow lanes in this Ghost Town. What sort of stories have you heard about this place?
DJ: This one time, a German couple hitchhiked near this place and a Nissan Sunny stopped to pick them up, and when they got in, nobody was in the driver's seat! True story, apparently… If you see a Nissan Sunny, run.
But that's not nearly as weird as the ridiculous lengths Bentley goes to, to ensure this Mulsanne is pure motoring perfection. The interior alone takes 170 hours to craft, complete with bulls-eye polished steel air vents and ‘glass' switches… And the whole interior is encased in this ring of wood veneer. Some of the wood comes from the tallest trees in the world. Now feel this carpet, put your hand in there. How does that feel?
IM: Oh my, that's amazing, it's like I'm brushing my fingers through Burt Reynolds' moustache!
DJ: Riiiight. I'd say it feels more like patting a Labrador, but OK… It's actually pure wool, but it has an increased fibre depth and density, as well as a special weave. Told you these Bentley boys were weird… Now touch this...
IM: What?!
DJ: I mean this button…
IM: Oh… That's nice.
DJ: Yup, all the brightwork in the cabin gleams so brilliantly it can blind you. The chrome takes 10 hours to finish. Even my sporty four-spoke steering wheel is a labour of love, hand-stitched and perfected by one man working for 15 hours. Too bad about the Volkswagen switchgear and electronics, though…
IM: OK, so both these things are put together with more love than the swinging Sixties. My Ghost is such a high-class and beautifully constructed ride, you feel the need to take a long bath in camel's milk then don your most expensive robes before stepping on board. It isn't the sort of thing you should just jump into and go. James ought to chauffeur you to the doors of the finest restaurant in town where you're then escorted to your table, reserved of course, for a lavish five-course meal. It'll probably be finished with cigars of the finest quality while sharing amusing anecdotes with your equally wealthy friends. That is what this car is all about.
So, remind me then, what the heck we're doing here? I sure don't have all-wheel drive or a lift kit. These roads, or whatever's left of them, are no place for a Rolls and Bentley. My 6.6-litre V12 has enough power to get me out of trouble but if Her Majesty caught me driving this car in this place, then I'd be standing on the gallows with my head in a noose.
Hang on a second, did you see that?
DJ: No, but it feels creepy here…
IM: I'm sure I saw something in the corner of that alley. Hang on, it must have been my Night Vision, which shows you thermal images to help you drive more safely at night. It's a clever bit of technology that can pick up body heat of pedestrians 300 metres away with an infrared camera in the grille.
DJ: Except that it's daytime...
IM: Yeah, but still, I swear this Ghost is possessed. While I was driving on the highway on the way here, the car automatically hit the brakes when I got too close to the Mulsanne's rear. And then it sped up without me doing anything!
DJ: That's the active cruise control with stop and go technology.
IM: I was just testing you…
DJ: Sure you were. But both these cars are loaded to the brim with technology, yet when you step inside either of them it's class and simplicity. Your Rolls dash is more clutter-free though, but I love our retractable navigation displays. Yet it's the stuff hiding underneath that's as impressive as the materials you feel and touch and the build quality. For example this Mulsanne has automatic ride height control sensitive to speed and load. So if you're fat, like rich people are, it adjusts to handle that five-course lunch you were talking about. It's not doing it now, because we're just malnourished journalists.
Then there's servotronic speed-sensitive power steering which still retains a great feel, and three dynamic driving modes — Bentley, Sport and Comfort. And even though you have a BMW V12 stuffed down there, I have a 6.75-litre twin-turbocharged V8 with more torque than a planet. With 1,020Nm, I can spin these 21in wheels so fast they create their own gravity field. Watch you don't get sucked in…
IM: That's a lot of firepower, but who talks about power and speed with these cars? Like Rolls-Royce likes to put it, "It's adequate."
DJ: Adequate is just another way of saying not enough. With an eight-speed automatic transmission and double-wishbone suspension, the Mulsanne is like Woolf Barnato's Blower for the 21st century. I feel like a Bentley Boy… I mean seriously, 5.3 seconds to 100kph and almost 300kph of top whack, in this? It's 5,575mm long, or about the same as an average bus, and weighs 2,585kg. It's unbelievable!
IM: Mine is just as incredible, if a tad lighter at 2,360kg. The twin-turbocharged Ghost has 563bhp but nowhere near as much torque as your Bentley, though there is nothing to be ashamed of with just 780Nm. But in a straight line race, I'd win because this hits 0-100kph in 4.9 seconds. Those figures may be better suited to a drag racer but it sounds nothing like one.
In fact, you can barely hear it, even when you bury your foot into the sheep's wool carpet. Fuel consumption doesn't matter to rich, fat people, but considering its sheer size and mass, it politely sips 13.6 litres per 100km. And then there's the ride. It's more like a sailing yacht thanks to the adaptive air suspension which sits on all four corners. The active roll stabilisation keeps it level all the time by reading sensors on the chassis and adjusting the suspension.
And with a ridiculously smooth ZF eight-speed automatic, you can enjoy a cup of Tieguanyin in the back without spilling it.
DJ: What's that?
IM: It's a type of tea. Quite expensive. Anyway, pick one, before that Nissan Sunny takes one of us away…
DJ: Why? What's the point? It's not like we're helping anybody make a decision. We just wanted an excuse to go on a road-trip in a pair of amazing cars, and talked Bentley and Rolls-Royce into lending us their works of art.
IM: You're right. Nobody really weighs their options up when they have this much cash to spend on a car. A certain kind of man, a man wearing hand-made loafers and a Breitling, will go straight to a Bentley dealership. The typical Bentley owner already has six or seven cars, and has decided he now wants a Mulsanne. I can't talk him out of it.
DJ: And I can't shift opinions either. If someone dreams of owning a Roller, the moment he can, he will buy one. Nothing else will do, only a Roller.
IM: So, coming here was a complete waste of time.
DJ: What are you talking about, we got to hoon three million dirhams all day long. Where else can… Imran, I think I see a Sunny in my rear view…
Specs
Model Mulsanne
Engine 6.75-litre V8 twin-turbo
Transmission Eight-speed auto, RWD
Max power 505bhp @ NA
Max torque 1,020Nm @ 1,750rpm
Top speed 296kph
0-100kph 5.3sec
Price Dh1.4 million
Plus Road holding, sporty character, torque
Minus Look at that face
Model Ghost
Engine 6.6-litre V12 twin-turbo
Transmission Eight-speed auto, RWD
Max power 563bhp @ 5,250rpm
Max torque 780Nm @ 1,500rpm
Top speed 250kph
0-100kph 4.9sec
Price Dh1.2 million
Plus Extremely smooth and sophisticated
Minus It's 20 per cent BMW
