Let distance make the heart grow fonder

Ruth Kinzey and her husband, Joseph Gettys, expected to move when Kinzey was offered a position as senior vice-president in a retail firm headquartered in Massachusetts.

They put their house in Salisbury, North Carolina, on the market and began house-hunting.

But by the time their three-month contract with the broker ended, they still had not received an acceptable offer. They also discovered that a comparable home in suburban Boston would cost three or four times more.

So they decided to keep their house and Kinzey agreed that she would commute home on weekends.

Wait for the Sold sign

As the housing market slows, more families are finding themselves in similar situations, maintaining jobs and households in two locations while they wait for a “Sold'' sign.

Worldwide ERC, a relocation services trade group, reports a 40 per cent increase in commuter marriages since 2003.

“Commuter marriages work well as a choice,'' says Stephanie Coontz, director of research at the Chicago-based Council on Contemporary Families.

“But being forced into a type of marriage you didn't choose, just because you can't sell a house, can be a cause of marital and parenting challenges.''

Dr Coontz, who has had a commuter marriage, finds the arrangement “works out great'' for him and his wife. “We trust each other. It's renewing,'' he says.

Bothering questions

But because these arrangements are unusual, people often barrage a couple, particularly the wife, with questions, says Karla Bergen, assistant professor of communication at the College of Saint Mary in Omaha, Nebraska.

“They ask: ‘Couldn't you get a job in the same place? How can you have a good marriage when you're living apart?' Some women who are concerned about being a good wife and a good mother are bothered by such questions.''

Tina Tessina, author of The Commuter Marriage, finds that the spouse who is left at home may feel put upon because he or she must handle everything.

Similarly, the spouse who is gone might say: “You don't recognise what I'm doing for the family.''

Recently, Simon Kann accepted a job as an attorney for the Port of Los Angeles.

He and his wife put their house near Annapolis, Maryland, on the market. A month later he moved in with his parents in Los Angeles and started working. His wife stayed in Maryland with their three young kids.

“People would come up to me and say: ‘It must be so tough to stay apart,''' Kann says.

“I told them: ‘It is but my wife is with three kids, trying to keep the house spotless to show it.''' That kind of empathy for the other spouse can help to keep relationships intact, family counsellors say.

Despite their five-month separation, Kann says: “The positives of being out here outweigh what we had.''

For some, the happy ending hasn't arrived yet. While her husband works for Caterpillar in Peoria, Illinois, Annette Oppenlander, an account manager for a communications firm, maintains their home in Bloomington, Indiana, to keep her job and allow their twins to finish high school.

“He cannot find appropriate employment close to our home,'' she says.

“He works long hours during the week, drives four hours home on Friday afternoons and turns around on Sunday afternoons. It's exhausting and costly.''

But she adds: “Both of us experience a feeling of isolation during the week, so we love to see each other when he comes home.''

Maintaining separate addresses “does split some people up'', says Tessina.

“But if the connection between them is good, they've got a much better chance of handling it well.''

Regular visits matter

She tells of a man in New Jersey who was laid off in mid-career. He eventually found a job in California.

But because his wife needed to care for her mother, she was unable to join him. “They were seeing each other pretty sporadically and he was worried about losing his marriage,'' Tessina says.

“Then they learnt how to visit more often and enjoy their visits.'' Finally, he found another position in New Jersey and the family was reunited.

Research shows that couples who get together on a weekly basis tend to be most satisfied with their marriage, says Professor Bergen.

Yet the present high cost of travel means that some couples cannot see each other as often.

Tessina says that the first thing couples say to each other when they reunite is: “I'm glad to see you. I've missed you.''

That sets a good foundation for the visit. Linda Young, a psychologist who commutes between Bellevue, Washington and Houston, where her husband works, urges couples to communicate often.

Discovering oneself

Whatever the challenges, couples find rewards too. Laura Troyer of Woodland Park, Colorado, honed new skills when her husband accepted a job three hours from their remote mountain home.

“It was January and I stayed behind and plowed the road, shovelled snow, ran the generator as needed and conquered my fear of the dark,'' Troyer says.

“When the generator broke, I fixed it. I missed my husband terribly while we waited for the snow to stop and our home to sell but I view the experience as life-altering.

"I discovered newfound independence and purpose in taking care of things I had let years of marriage convince me were either my husband's responsibility or too difficult for me. It was an extremely uplifting experience.''